How to pick your life partner...

[BOFtastic]

I've just read this rather good article on the subject, and thought it would make for interesting reading in this section.

What do you think?

I met a man then a couple of days later knew we would marry, quickly married and been great since then. Tips are never go to sleep on an argument, have lots of fun, and if you have an instant connection and just click,the rest is easy really as we are best friends and I fancy him.

I dont believe in rules, lists, planning as when you know you know to me.

I found finding a life partner easier than reading that article...

Did you? I thought it was pretty lighthearted- it is from a Psychologies-type US magazine, not an academic journal .

It's long.. but actually really good.

I thought it was interesting! It's good to be reminded about the importance of basic compatibility as well as/ over the grand gestures.

I read this earlier and thought it was spot on. Thanks for sharing it.

Long but interesting. Shame I didn't read this before getting married

I was being a bit tongue in cheek but I thought the article starts from the premise that there is a life partner out there for you if only we can find them - rather than find somebody you are happy with and maybe grow to be life partners. I not certain the wider search pool - online dating, compatibility tests, etc actually help the process - as we ended up endlessly searching for our 'one true love' like some Disney film

Yes, an interesting read - and one with many valid points. I can think of several marriages where some of those things were ignored at the outset and now I see the couples rubbing along together for the sake of the children and actually spending increasingly large amounts of time apart.

I do think pushing the internet dating angle is a bit much though and ignores the fact that many happy and truly compatible relationships are forged with the girl or boy next door. Throwing your net open really wide in your search may be a good strategy in theory, but when you know you have unlimited possible options it can be hard to make a commitment to just one person. I used to live in NYC, a city of limitless dating opportunities and my single friends skipped merrily from one person to the next without ever really giving anyone the chance to make a real impression on them. The tyranny of choice!

I was with x for 18 yrs and never once felt as safe and contented as I do with dh.
We talk about everything even if its difficult.
I'm always shocked on threads where people are worried about something they've seen or heard and don't tell their dp.
We love each other so much that stuff like getting up early with kids or housework are just naturally shared because neither wants the other to be tired or stressed, therefore no arguments to be had.
Lots of physical affection and nice compliments also help.

I thought that was good. I liked the cartoons especially, "other people, versus my gut - sorry they are bigger than you."

Its very general isn't it, and seems to be pushing that old line of widening your personal boundaries and considering people you wouldn't normally fancy.

Equally, you could logically argue that a life long relationship is unrealistic and a bonus if it happens and that relationships shouldn't be viewed as unsuccessful because they break down in time.

And being realistic, how many people have that much choice of partner anyway? For many, its who will accept them, not a choice from a multitude of willing candidates.

The article is also very critical of personality types but how many people are there with no personality flaws?

I think it is pretty clear that we are all flawed, but that we should just decide whether we are ok with the flaws in our prospective partners, bearing in mind the long haul.

I do see the issue with the "tyranny of choice" though- great phrase . I'm also ambivalent about the online dating as a cure-all; nowt wrong with the old agony aunt advice of taking classes and joining clubs around your interests, IMO, but I might be old school! I met my partner at an art exhibition.

Someone kind. I've never forgotten a Nora Ephron quote: "Never marry someone you wouldn't like to be divorced from" because it's so, so true. Most people are lovely in the early days - but life throws curve balls, and shit will hit, so look to see how they treated their exes, how they treat people they don't like, and how they treat staff in shops and restaurants etc. - basically, what they're like when not on their best behaviour.

Common values, interests and intelligence helps. But kindness is IMO essential.

That is such a great way of putting it, thanks!

What perfectstorm said. Kindness is so important and yet completely underrated. I married my DH because he was kind. To me, to children, to animals, to complete wankers sometimes.

perfect that is so true. My exH is still a friend, he's a kind decent man (we married maybe too young, he was immature) but my exP has always had a nasty, unkind streak. Spoke about all his exes with contempt (I'm probably spoken about like that now ha) and was quite a viscious person.

Kindness and being decent are very important!

Is not fully in my control though because I need to find someone who is also interested in me.

This would be a good article to show people in unhappy relationships that going single is a step chooser to happy coupledom than whet they are now.

What perfectstorm said. My mother also always said kindness was a non-negotiable.
Dh is a pain in the arse at times, but he's inherently decent and kind, and has integrity. His good points far outweigh his bad.
I, of course, am perfect.

DH is a nice man, and although he has many qualities I adore I always come back to the niceness as the reason I picked him.

It's important.

waitbutwhy.com/2014/02/pick-life-partner-part-2.html

I think that the first part was more revealling -- the essentials of a good relationship..

Aww skimmed the article i will have to go back to it another time when im a bit more alert but i find this sort of thing realily interesting.

I have almost been with DH 8 years and i knew there was something special about him and he says he knew strate away i was special. Weve always had such an amazing relationship there has been a couple of issues that weve had to deal with but touch wood we will carry on the way we are.
I guess everyones different but with us i think the factors that make us happy are, we enjoy the same things, we enjoy each other company, we still have that original physical attraction, can talk to each other about anything, if we have a little argument the next minute we will be laughing our heads off at each other, we are supportive of each other and care for each other etc.

I cant imagine my life with out him remember when we first got together and had to spend more than 1 night away from him i missed him like crazy it hurt, it may not be as dramatic but i feel like that now when ive been stuck in all day with kids and tooing and throwing from school/nursery run all i can think of is seeing his big chirpy grin walking threw the door. I know i sound so soppy but hes just as bad i can assure you

It was a really good article but I have no idea to find my partner for life cause nobody really likes my personality

Marissa951 - dont be so hard on yourself. There is somewhere out there for everyone :)