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Original poster

Last night my DP 'came out'

87 replies

NameChangeExtraordinare · 27/02/2014 12:53

I've nc'd for this.

Last night, after ten years together, DP told me that he 'thinks' he is bisexual. It didn't come as a surprise to me to be honest, I'd found things; internet search history and an interesting tumblr account he didn't think I knew about. I've had an idea for four years, I was just waiting for him to tell me...

So, he's finally told me. I asked him whether he'd ever been with a man and he said he hadn't, or been unfaithful. I believe him.

Where do we go from here? I've told him that it changes nothing and that I still love him very much. But does it change things? He says he doesn't want anyone else, wants our relationship to stay the same but he felt like he had to be honest with me. Can things stay as they are now that's out in the open? He said he doesn't want to see what it's like being with a man. I don't really understand that.

It was late when we talked, so I'm sure we'll talk some more about it. But I just wanted to see if anyone else had been in this position and what, if anything, changed within your relationship. TIA.

OP posts:
str8tothepoint · 27/02/2014 20:09

Why did he decide to say after all this time is my biggest wonder?

Does he now want an open relationship so he can try with men?

Good that he's being honest but he's had a long time to say something before committing to a relationship

tawse57 · 27/02/2014 20:16

You should consider yourself fortunate that he has admitted this part of his sexuality - it shows that he loves you and needed to share it with you.

There are plenty of married bi-sexual men and women who have not told their partners and then, sadly, they have flings, encounters or affairs on the quiet in order to satsify their bi-sexual needs.

However, I would strongly suggest that you talk through some of his from a sexual perspective as, frankly, he may have sexual needs that need fulfilling - it would be best if you could help fulfill them than him becoming frustrated and going off behind your back with another man.

There are things that a woman can do for her man sexually that will go some way to fulfilling such needs. I won't go into them on here but you can do a google and read up about them. Perhaps by taking those extra few steps sexually you can fulfill any bi-sexual need within him and thus he will no longer have any need to consider looking elsewhere - if that makes any sense.

Best of luck.

YellowTulips · 27/02/2014 20:41

I fully agree with many posters that a bi person is no more or less likely to cheat than a straight one - this forum is surely testament (sadly) to that fact.

What's not clear is why he told you now.

Is it because he has perhaps struggled with his sexuality and having come to terms with this he wants to share this as part of a committed an honest relationship?

Is it because he has known this for some time and is looking to test your reaction with a view to gaining your permission to experiment?

Is it because is actually gay rather than bi and wants to break the revelation more gently?

Is his sexuality "fluid" - by this I mean he has periods of being more attracted to one sex than the other at various life points rather than an equal attraction to both all the time? Is this the reason for the disclosure?

On the face value of your posts there is no reason for your relationship to change or to be under any more threat of infidelity than before this conversation.

However I think it's impossible to give you any guidance until you really understand the emotional trigger for his declaration. Thanks

Helltotheno · 27/02/2014 20:43

by taking those extra few steps sexually you can fulfill any bi-sexual need within him and thus he will no longer have any need to consider looking elsewhere

Oh please. Is it absolutely beyond the bounds of possibility that OP could just continue doing what she's doing to 'keep' her partner, since that's what attracted her partner in the first place??

Original poster
NameChangeExtraordinare · 27/02/2014 21:10

Tawse I don't think I could live with myself if I changed the way I behaved to prevent him straying. I don't think he'd cheat on me, but I'd rather he did it on his own terms without humiliating myself in the process...

OP posts:
YellowTulips · 27/02/2014 21:22

Well said OP.

tawse57 · 27/02/2014 22:37

Helltotheno - You are naive IMPO. But then it is not YOUR husband who has just come out as being bi-sexual is it?

NameChangeExtraordinare - I wasn't suggesting that you humiliate yourself. I was just suggesting that perhaps you can offer him something a bit more in your sexual relationship that will fulfill his needs and avert any chance of him ever going elsewhere to have those needs fulfilled.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/02/2014 22:41

tawse are you joking? What would you like her to do precisely?

Seriously, I am intrigued!

What a load of tosh.

ethelb · 27/02/2014 23:11

Oh i dread to think what tawse57 is suggesting.

Would u suggest a husband change his sexual behaviour if his wife said she was bisexual?

Helltotheno · 27/02/2014 23:56

But then it is not YOUR husband who has just come out as being bi-sexual is it?

Well if you read and understood my posts, you'd know I wouldn't actually care if my DH came out as bisexual; it's not high on the scale of things that bother me. And no I wouldn't be purchasing a supply of dildos and vibrating plugs just to make sure he didn't jump the postman. Sheesh.

You're the one who's naïve if you think people need to start performing sexual acrobatics just to prevent their partners straying!

Heebiejeebie · 28/02/2014 00:07

I think that were he saying 'I find other women sexually attractive' and cruising lots of straight porn, people would be more aggressive. My limited experience of people coming out to their partners, well into a relationship, is that they no longer wished to suppress that part of themselves. First emotionally and then physically. I would want to know why now? And what now?

shoom · 28/02/2014 01:04

My first impression on reading this wasn't about him, it was about the OP. Quite frankly it's a bit of bombshell, or at least could have been if you hadn't seen the internet signs over the last few years. I think that has to be considered alongside the comments about how lovely it is that he can be honest with you (now). What about you? How do you feel? How did you feel during those years when you suspected but didn't ask him about it? Okay it's maybe not up there with discovering he is into Dire Straits but it is significant thing, and feeling that you are not exactly delighted with the news is in no way homophobic. It's too late at night for me to find a suitable analogy, but if you dislike the idea of your DP looking at gay porn (or whatever he was doing on the internet) then you can be honest about that. There could be lots of discussion about what each of you want and will accept from the other. It sounds like you want to downplay it and move on, but now is maybe the best time to lay the foundations for your relationship going forward.

best wishes.

ClaudiusMaximus · 28/02/2014 01:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/02/2014 01:37

Well some heteromonogamous people are actually perfectly OK with having a bi partner who sometimes has or seeks sex with people of the other gender. And plenty of bisexual people are deeply monogamous, but (as lots of other non-fuckwitted posters have said) prefer not to have to keep an important aspect of themselves hidden from those they love.
You know your partner, OP. YOu know how well your relationship works. THe world is full of stupid, heteromonogamy-obsessed mundanes, but it's safe to ignore them and carry on doing what suits you.

KissesBreakingWave · 28/02/2014 03:16

What SolidGoldBrass said. Thin end of the wedge my muscular and manly buttocks.

yourehavingalaugh · 28/02/2014 08:55

The fact he has told you now is significant. He obviously can't conceal his feelings any more. What he does with them next is the issue. Is he preparing you for something?

NotNewButNameChanged · 28/02/2014 09:00

Claudius so presumably if your husband heard you and your friend discussing a film you've been to see with, say, George Clooney, and he hears you say that you find him very sexy, your husband should leave because clearly you are going to go off and shag George Clooney?

hookedonchoc · 28/02/2014 09:01

I disagree entirely that the timing has some sinister significance. It is most likely imo that this is simply the first time he has felt able to broach the subject after years of trying. Some people come to terms with their sexuality quickly, but for others it can take many years before they are able to accept themselves and still longer before they pluck up the courage to mention it to anyone else. From the information given, there is no reason to presume that he is about to act on his feelings.

DayAfterYesterday · 28/02/2014 09:51

Some horrible assumptions on this thread. I came out to dh as bi fairy recently I'd be lying if I said it was easy on us there has been a lot of upset and confusion and fear understandably. We have been together more than 10 years since our teens it took me a long time to even notice I was bisexual and even longer to accept it myself. I did a lot of soul searching, googling, reading bi forums etc before admitting it to dh this wasnt me being secretive but accepting it myself first. To use the earlier comparison I'm probably leaning 90% towards women 10% towards men but I categorically do not want to end my marriage or go elsewhere or have any intention of being unfaithful.

I didn't come out for any sinister reason but because I needed to admit and accept who I am. If your straight you probably have no idea how difficult it is to hide a whole side of yourself, to be aware of every glance or comment you make to feel unable to express yourself and have others assume your something you are not. Finally realising your sexuality is a massive thing especially if your already in a commited relationship, its like a second puberty hormones are racing, thoughts consume you and you have no outlet, sharing your sexuality with your partner gives you that outlet before I told dh I wasn't sleeping, constantly angry felt like my head would burst. Of course its difficult for dh too I'm sure he would rather I was straight but he loves me regardless.

isitme1 · 28/02/2014 09:58

Flowers op I think you have a very loving open relationship and I believe your dp

AMumInScotland · 28/02/2014 10:10

HeebieJeebie to my mind it is different if a heterosexual man suddenly starts looking at porn when he hasn't before, or suddenly starts mentioning that he finds other women attractive. There has usually been no reason for him to keep that aspect of himself 'closeted' during the relationship, so it's sensible to look for a 'reason' for the change in behaviour.

The attitudes in society in general, and here on this thread, leave it perfectly clear why a man probably would feel uncomfortable about admitting to bisexual feelings, and why he would do his best to suppress it. Even with his reluctance to speak about it, the OP has seen signs throughout their relationsip that made her wonder.

Therefore the only thing that has changed is that he has finally decided that it is better to be open about it with her. So - no need to assume he is going to want/need to take it further, until and unless that happens.

AMumInScotland · 28/02/2014 10:20

tawse I find your last few posts quite odd, tbh. Bisexuality means feelings of sexual attraction towards both genders. Obviously, the activities you choose in bed may vary with the gender of the person you are with, but 'sexuality' and 'sexual needs' don't arrive in neat little boxes with a label on.

Yes, a man may enjoy some things that female partners don't immediately think to offer, but the fact that he finds other men sexually attractive doesn't automatically mean that he wants specific things out of sex, and the fact that he doesn't find other men sexually attractive doesn't mean that he wouldn't like those things.

People want mutually-satisfying sex, within the context of a positive and supportive relationship. So long as that is happening, someone bisexual isn't going to feel a desperate 'need' to have sex with another person, whatever their gender or sexuality, any more than a straight person has a desperate 'need' to be unfaithful.

str8tothepoint · 28/02/2014 15:43

I think you should just talk to him, none of us have the answers.

Plus some are not being very nice, your partner has the answers

DistanceCall · 28/02/2014 15:52

There is a difference between having homoerotic fantasies and actually wanting to have sexual relationships with a man. And even having sex with a man would not necessarily mean that he is not heterosexual.

I agree with other posts that you need to talk and see how this can fit into your life as a couple.

Rebecca2014 · 28/02/2014 15:59

If my husband came out as bisexual that would be a huge issue for me. He properly has never had a same sex encounter so it is likely that him telling you he is bisexual is the first step and the next will be the talk, the talk to ask if he can explore his sexuality.

I also think a lot of bisexual men end up with men unlike bisexual women where the majority stick with the opposite sex.