I think I made a mistake

[PrincessTeacake]

I got together with J last year. We've been friends for a long time and he's a great guy, but I'm regretting ever entering into a relationship with him now. On the one hand, he is very respectful of my boundaries (I have issues with sex after childhood abuse) he'll drop whatever he's doing to help me out with something and he clearly adores me.

But (and there's a lot of buts) he is very thoughtless. For my birthday he got me a drink. For Christmas he said he had a bottle of wine for me but it is yet to materialize (and it annoyed me in the first place because I'm not a big drinker at all). There was nothing for Valentine's Day, and when I was down with him for the weekend he promised to treat me to dinner, but forgot and only paid for himself. It's a bit petty, I know, but I take gift-giving very seriously and gave him very thoughtful presents for his birthday, Christmas etc. I wasn't looking for anything pricey, just something to show he was thinking of me, and from what it looks like he doesn't seem to think of me at all.

I have OCD and it's triggered big time by scent. His personal hygiene, to be frank, is substandard and I hate staying in his flat because it makes me feel filthy afterwards. He smokes, both regular tobacco and spliffs, and although I've asked him not to smoke around me (I have lung problems on top of the OCD) he frequently forgets, and he always smells of smoke. I think the cannabis contributes to his thoughtlessness, and he has no intention of quitting.

I've tried talking to him several times about these issues, without seeming like I'm nagging him, but he doesn't even try to make changes, and I'm just tired of it all.

A tight-fisted pothead with personal hygiene issues... Surely you can do better?

Well you're essentially asking him to change pretty big parts of himself, his lifestyle and his personality that, presumably, he is quite happy with.

Sounds like it's time to show J the door. Great guys don't necessarily make great boyfriends. Onwards and upwards?

I think you made a mistake too. 'Tired of it all' sounds like a good reason to move on. Have a good sniff of the next one first!

Yup you made a mistake. It's a shame he's not right for you butdon't waste any more time on him.

You can't change him so if you don't like him the way he is then move on and find someone else and let him find someone who will love him. On the other hand, if he did adore you and was totally in love with you then he would have made a big effort to change things himself. The not buying you presents for birthdays and Christmas doesn't sound like a man that is into you at all.

I had an ex who was rubbish at gifts. Didn't 'get' them at all. He wasn't really interested in gifts he was given, either. Caused a few upsets at first until I realised it just wasn't how he was, but I did make the point that it was important to me - the thought, not having money spent on me - and he tried as best he could. I got absolutely nothing for Christmas one year, too. After the dishwasher for my birthday fiasco, I used to basically give him a Santa's list of what I might like. It was something I didn't like about him, but not a dealbreaker.

But I can't say he ever managed to take me out for dinner and forget to pay for me. How on earth did that happen? He offered to pay, it wasn't a going Dutch night, and then paid half and waited? That's beyond not feeling the same way about gifts and into downright weird.

Smelly? Bad hygiene? Yuk. Dealbreaker for many of us.

Come on love, throw this one back.

He doesn't really care, does he?

You deserve better than this.

Yes you have made a mistake.

If you care about someone you are aware of their feelings. Doesn't mean you have to change who you are but it's not exactly a huge task to have a regular shower and change your clothes is it?

And the thoughtlessness - sounds like couldn't-care-less-ness to me.

He's not invested very much in this relationship. Time to move on.

And if he is a smoker - he is going to stink of smoke. (I'm a smoker).

If you are hoping he will give up smoking for you, it's not going to happen. Not successfully. You can only give up for your own reasons, not outside pressure/influences.

It's hardly a mistake, as you probably wouldn't have known all that before entering a relationship. A mistake would be to keep seeing him.

I knew to an extent, I didn't know how bad it would be. I made changes for him and I did love him, so I thought I could put up with some of the other stuff but it's the constant carelessness that really gets to me. I have one foot out the door already, but I have trouble breaking up with men (related to the childhood abuse issue, I'm having therapy for it but it's a long process) and it's like this is the fourth time I've started a relationship with someone who seemed normal and then turned bonkers. When I ended my last relationship the guy told me I was physically hurting his heart and bombarded me with texts for a month. I'm a bit gun-shy.