humiliated, upset and a bit of an idiot

[workingtolive]

Hi, I am a regular user, under a different name as I don't want anyone in RL to recognise me.

My 'dp' is leaving me. This is not the first time, it is the 4th time he will be moving out. We have been together for 15 years - with the few exceptions when he has left. We have 3 dc.
He isn't happy and doesn't know what he wants. He loves his children but doesn't appear to like me very much.
He has repeatedly ignored me, avoided having sex with me, been dismissive and generally let me down repeatedly. Why have we got back together each time? because I'm a weak sad cow and each and everytime I have gone all out to get him back. I am guilty of the "pick me" dance on constant rotation.

He is a very good provider financially and he loves the dc. This is why he keeps coming back I suspect, for them and not for me. Yet when he comes back he makes the right noises, promises he will change etc etc and inevitably he never does.
Outwardly I am very strong, I rarely tell anyone in RL what is going on because I am always really ashamed that I have failed.

Please tell me how can I deal with this, how can I let him go without falling apart.
I see so many threads in relationships and I always think I wouldn't be treated that way and yet I live and breathe a really sad existence. I don't feel like he has ever really been my friend. I do everything at home and with the dc and I work. His counter argument on that is that he pays for it all and enables us to have nice things etc.
He goes out when he wants to, I never say no and have supported him through all his career changes and yet I just don't think I can do it without him.
I am falling apart and I feel so stupid but even I sense that this time things have got to change.

I just am not sure I can do it. I have let my children down and I can't imagine my life alone as being anything other than a miserable struggle.

Take it bit by bit, minute by minute and on your terms as much as possible.
Have you a support network to help you focus and give you strength.

See a solicitor about where you stand financially. Then hopefully that will give a base to build up your new life which will be a happier one for you and your children.

Will he do couples therapy things? That can help for both to move forward.

Oh i am sorry to hear this. I have no words of wisdom but just wanted to give you a virtual hug and say uou are not a sad cow at all. You are human and we crave company. Someone with clever words wi be along soon. Xx

You need to LTB and have a brand new fresh start!!! Focus, and learn to love yourself!

You say "I can't imagine my life alone as being anything other than a miserable struggle"- yet you also say: "I do everything at home and with the dc and I work." - if you survive doing all of that stuff yourself then you certainly do not need a useless DP!

Keep strong!

Without knowing you personally & just reading your post it sounds like you are miserable with him so why not take the chance & see how much better life could be without someone treating you this way.

You also come across a strong person I know sometimes the ones who sound strong are the ones really struggling but I bet in time you could build a much happier life for yourself.. & if mums happy dc's will be too.

Living with a man that has so comprehensively crushed your self-esteem with his false promises, rejection and hot/cold treatment is at the root of your problems. You're being emotionally abused, psychologically bullied, and it's a form of Domestic Violence. I'm so sorry.

Please tell someone in real life. It isn't failure to have a lousy husband and many people will identify with your experience. If you can share it with someone you trust... even if that's a GP... then it will give you confidence.

You might also consider talking to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247 and telling them about your experience. Just having someone validate that his treatment of you is abuse could give you strength.

At the moment you are sucked into all the stress and the drama and your relationship is based on him being distant and you running after him. I've been there in a very similar relationship (my exH eventually left me for another woman after I spent 30 years never being good enough). I do understand that he seems terribly important in your life and that your self-esteem is on the floor.

Please believe that once you have put a little time and space between you and all the emotional drama, you will start to feel so much better, stronger and happier.

It is crap living with a person who makes you feel inadequate the whole time. It grinds you down. Trust me, after the initial shock of the breakup it's lovely living without them!

Have faith that you are worth more than this and that life without this emotional abuser will be better in every way. Never forget that it is him who has broken up the family by his attitude. You don't have to live your life trying to appease the impossible just to stay in a nuclear family. My children are fine post breakup (2 years ago now) and yours will be too.

Wow, please say to yourself 'I have not let my children down' out loud - this is not your fault lovely - He is the one who is making selfish decisions.
as the above poster says you are worth more, for now focus on yourself, your children.

You actually sound really strong.

You have tried at this marriage. Given it your all.

And been a mother to your dcs.

Now it's time for self preservation. You cannot carry this man emotionally. He's not there for you. In fact he seems to pull the rug out from under you a lot.

Kick him out. None of this let him go bollocks. Be pro active. Get rid. You will see a big change in yourself. I bet your dcs are a lot happier too without the tensions.

XX x

To be honest, your life with him sounds like a miserable struggle.

Not saying going it alone is a breeze. But without an emotionally absent, deadweight of a partner dragging down your strength and self esteem, you might start to feel quite energised.

For now, take it one day at a time, and if that's too much, one hour. Set very simple, achievable goals. Expect to feel awful to start with - as if you were unwell. Be kind to yourself. Within a few days you may start to surprise yourself.

Yes, it does sound like your DP is emotionally abusive and you deserve more.
I'm no expert, but I can guarantee that in two years time you will not be able to understand why you put up with him for so long.

Meanwhile give yourself big treats, look up your friends and get all the help you can get, if needs be therapy.

Thank you for your replies, I must admit I was a bit taken aback by the response that the way he behaves is abusive. I have never thought about it that way.

I feel like I'm in a fog and its just so hard right now.
Financially he will support me I assume, I technically live in the house he has a mortgage but I'm not on it. I can pay it though without him here as long as I keep working and the combination of tax credits and his contribution but I will be very tight on money. Totally do able I know that but I'm just so heartbroken.

Thank you for your advice though, some things are hard to hear.

Financially he will support me I assume, I technically live in the house he has a mortgage but I'm not on it.

OK, you need to get legal advice ASAP.

Have you made any contributions to the mortgage?

Not contributions in kind, actual traceable payments from your account to the mortgage?

Oh sorry, I phrased that badly, we already have in writing that the equity in the house and the big deposit we put down when we bought it is 100% in my favour if we split while we have dependents and that I can/will stay here until the youngest is 18 or I meet someone else, pretty standard stuff I think. After that we split 50/50.
We have a joint account and make a contribution each to everything so yes I pay towards it.
Regarding the house I am secure, we didn't want to get married so we did that years ago. The only downside is that he is the mortgage holder and I couldn't get enough of a mortgage to take it over just yet so if he wants to move on he will have to wait.
There are no concerns with money and him providing.

Good, glad to hear that.

I am so sorry you are in this position. I know exactly what you mean when you say your head is full of fog. That's the enormous stress you're under, and the fear makes it really hard to think straight.

One thing I wanted to say, which I hope will give you some hope is this: however tough the decision feels right now, you will find that a load also starts to lift off you. All the times you felt used and second best because of his appalling behaviour, all the constant concern that he'd do it again, all the feelings that you couldn't be yourself because you were too worried how he would react are now lifted from you. Living with those uncertainties is no life at all. I know it's a wrench to make this choice, but you've created the possibility of a different future, one in which you no longer have to cope with that pressure and in which you can be more completely happy.

Not handling this very well at all. Drinking wine and crying about the future I am losing.
What happens if I just can't do this?

It would carry on the same way as before...being ignored, dismissed, let down, disliked. This is the future you're losing :(

Do you have any real life support? It's harder to make big changes without it. Friends can sometimes be more help than you think.

Sorry it feels so hard just now..

Thank you for replying. I know you are right but I'm in pieces. I am lucky to have great friends and I know they will prop me up.
For some reason all I can remember are the good bits and I can't stop crying.
I always thought I was strong. I think I was wrong!

No, I think you are strong. Apart from working, running your home, and bringing up children more or less single handed, you've put up with a draining presence in your life in the shape of your blow hot and cold partner.

While I've not had the exact same experience, I know a little of how it feels to be with someone who rewards you, just enough, that you think it's all about to work out, but it never does. It's like being trained, like a performing dolphin.

It's very normal to feel sad, even when you're losing someone who's treated you badly. It's ok to cry. It will lessen off, it really will

You've hit the nail on the head there. I've almost been good enough/thin enough/organised enough for him to love me but not quite. It's destroyed me. I know it has. I just feel scared.
Thank you for your kind words

I echo what wyrdy says - you must be very strong to have held up so well in such a soul-destroying relationship.

Of course you will feel sad and shocked, that's healthy. Just take it tiny steps at a time, do only what is absolutely necessary or what you enjoy doing, and let yourself find your feet slowly.

You sound like a strong woman. Your life and your dcs will be better off without him, leaving and coming back when it suits. You do not deserve to be treated like this. You are not a cow. You deserve a happy life without him bringing you down.

The ending of a relationship is a form of grief, and therefore the healing process takes time. Right now you are hurting and feel rejected. Don't let your partner see your vulnerability. Don't go chasing him desperately to try and get him back as its pointless if he only returns because he feels guilty. Find your self worth now. Start looking towards a future without him and how the many obstacles you will face can be overcome. Hopefully, if he sees you are indeed a strong, independent woman then there is a way forward to a place where you can communicate with each other, become friends and be the best parents you can possibly be but just not together. Be strong and i hope that happiness is not too far away for you all again.

crying about the future I am losing

What about the future you are gaining?

A future where you don't have to worry about not being enough for him.

Where you are good enough, thin enough, organised enough.

Where, once you stop crying and pick yourself up, you will be happy and do the one thing in life you've always wanted to do, but haven't had the opportunity.

After you get through this you'll be unstoppable.

Imagine how great you will be when you don't have someone always telling you you fall short.

A future where you will make new friends and do new things.

Where you will please yourself and your children and live without doubt and insecurity.

Where you will eventually start dating again and meet men who are interested in you and think you're amazing. Maybe you'll even fall in love with one of them.

Drink your wine and have your cry, but remember that there is a lot to look forward to when you're ready to stop feeling sad.