I Have Abandoned Mentally Ill Friend

[MrsSandshoes]

She has bipolar, NPD & is an alcoholic. She has sole custody of her 2 DC (?)

I have been trying to support her, both practically and emotionally for almost a year no and she is not getting any better. She has stretches of sobriety during which she can be ok (but always unstable & ready to 'flip') but then she will go into a manic episode, drink and things will happen. Dreadful, crazy things. Then I will help clear up the fallout & life begins again with her being the victim and her children having witnessed most of the horror of it.

Social services did act when she got fired from her job for drinking and odd/paranoid behaviour and gave her (abusive) ex's family custody until she became better. There was a plan put into place for when I was worried about her behaviour/if she had been taking drugs or drinking and they've since taken her off her plan & don't even check on her any more.

Last week she turned on me after I asked her about her drinking, behaviour etc. She was violent and threatening to me. Telling the DC that I was going to get them put into care and other disgusting things.

I have seen this side of her many, many time but never directed at me & I was frightened. Later she took to vile, threatening and abusive text messages - then facebook. I hardly slept that night.

The problem is that there is a 'procedure' I should follow to make sure the children aren't there while she needs time to get better. I did not get that support. I felt like it was me on my own, against her & her family and I was forced to leave the house while the children were there and she was clearly on drugs (and drunk?) and going through a nasty and severe manic episode. Her parents said they were going round but I later found out they were lying & her ex was too busy to collect his children. I'm disgusted but if something happens to her or her children I'll feel terrible.

She's a violent alcoholic drug-user. It's not 'grassing', it's saving some children and if SS over-react they're just doing their job. Mostly SS will try to keep DCs with parents and that's why there's such a fuss when another poor kid is battered to death. When SS take children into care it's usually to go to foster parents, most of whom are very good people.

I don't think it's 'grassing' hence the quotation marks - it's what it will be considered by them. I believe they're there to help people, not punish.

If I hadn't been told not to by her family then I might have called them last week. It's been a week & I don't know what the situation is right now. I promised everyone (inc myself) that I was done with her.

It's only been a week since you witnessed her unstable behaviour.... it won't have changed that much.

This:

'Don't police usually say they would much rather be called to check on someone or someone's children, than be called for some sad emergency when it's just too late?'

Yes. Always. Always.

Saw is totally correct - call police they will check on the children's welfare!!

I think you know this needs to be reported OP. It will be on your conscience if you don't.

Consider this - you can walk away (acc you are right to do so). Her children can't do that. Please don't turn a blind eye because you are concerned at being gossiped about.

I think that you've been a solid and true friend to the children and, as far as she will allow it, to her.

At this point, I think you have to weigh things up carefully. Beyond a certain level, you have to look after yourself. It's clear her nastiness last night shook you. It's also clear you care for her children and their lives, now and in the future. I would advise sitting down and thinking about what you can live with now and in the longer term and what you can't. You also need to talk it over with your husband if you have one.

From what you say there -is- a chance of harassment if you report her. It might be just talk, there's a good chance of that, but equally it just might be more than that. You can be aware of it and just keep alert. And speak to the police if you think it necessary. Definitely tell SS of the family threats. However, when all is said and done, the threat has to be weighed up against your own well being.

Equally, I have a feeling from the depth of your concern that your conscience may well stay with you for a long time if you don't report them, regret for the children's current lives, what they have to endure and what damage it may do. I admit that I hope you find it possible to report this to SS, but I'm not in your shoes and you, definitely, are the best (the only) person to decide.

Good post Meerka. Apologies if I appeared too strident. I know it's hard and I understand what it's like to be scared of repercussions and of course it's easy to say "do this", much harder to do it when there are RL consequences. I wish you the best OP, whatever you do.

It could take years for your friend to get better, and there is no guaranteeing that she ever will.

It is absolutely not on for children to be dependent on such an unstable individual.

I think you need to consider how you would feel if you had done nothing and something happened to these children...

I hate to be so negative because I honestly don't know the woman but in general with someone who drinks or takes drugs or has bipolar disorder (not even putting these things together) they can be very unstable.

You say you don't want the kids to be away from their mother as because it's home and what they are used to which I completely understand. But somewhere scary? You do realise that your 'friend' could possibly hurt your children without someone around, don't you? I don't mean that to pull you back into the situation as you have to look after your own and shouldn't have to put up with anyone treating you like this.

If she did hurt them you'd wonder why you didn't do anything and you may say she wouldn't, but you honestly cannot know that for sure.

So she talks shit about you - who cares. I don't mean to be rude but words are only words and if they aren't true I can't see her having any proof. If they are true then you still need to do what's right by these children.

So hard I know, because you are trying your best but this isn't what those poor kids need.

Mrssandshoes, i'm bipolar, and during a manic episode am not safe around my children.

I once nearly set my parents house on fire, I thought all my friends were part dog, I thought my own dog was God. I thought I was meeting the dali lama, that I could drive a bus without touching the wheel.

I was very strong, very aggressive to anyone that didn't follow, and god knows what I could have done with the kids if I got it into my head they needed to be saved or sacrificed or something awful.

A child is not safe around a manic parent. Her parents sound useless, they may be happier in the short term near their crazy mum but not safe.

My nan was bipolar and my mum said when she was high it was terrifying as a child.

You sound like you have been a good friend. But she has the choice not to drink, which only she can stop and maybe temporarily losing the kids will help her realise that.

The kids might now know they are at risk (I don't believe that by the way, children can adapt to fear and trauma with survival mechanisms) but that doesn't stop them being at risk.

Apparently she has been to the doctors. She won't have told them the truth but it means she's come down from the episode at least.

Because the social services focussed so much on the alcohol last time, she's taking drugs now & thinks that's fine.

I will speak to a few people this week make sure they're going to school etc & what her behaviour has been like & make a decision later in the week.

I have discussed this with DH and he's more worried about the consequences of telling social services than I am. He thinks she might come 'round breaking windows or something and the effect this will have on our DC. This said, I will do it if I have to.

Hope you told your DH that if she did come round breaking windows, you'd involve the police. She'd add criminal destruction to her violent, drug-taking and alcoholic score-sheet and wouldn't be able to wriggle out of it.

Telling the children's school the truth is a very good idea. Schools have strong links to Social Services.

With proper medication and treatment the Bipolar should not be an issue as she will be in control of herself. When she's refusing to take responsibility for her own actions such as heavy drinking and drug taking (difficult when in an episode I know) and she's not getting the correct treatment then the story you outlined is all too sadly often the case.

You didn't have to do any of those things for her and you certainly don't have to be involved with her ever again. It is not your responsibility to look after and when someone is as ill as she is then the professionals need to come in and take over which includes SS for the kids. You have gone above and beyond and deserve a medal.

Even putting the Bipolar to one side, leaving her in charge of kids whilst taking drugs is something very serious. I understand the fear of comeback onto you and your loved ones, but often threats are just that. Block on Fb, don't interact with them ever again and call the police. Families like that will blame everyone but themselves for their own shortcomings. You're doing all the right things

Does she have official dx of bipolar and NPD or have you internet dx'd her? I'm just saying because if she has these issues then she should have a CPN or be under the care of the CMHT, she may have been discharged but it sounds like they need to be involved again if so. I would call and tell them your concerns too, they may not be able to give you any info but they should be aware of her deterioration anyway. They should be visiting her weekly really, you can't manage this episode alone.

She has an official dx for bipolar (NPD is mine) but no support. They haven't even got her medication right - she's just on anti depressants but I think she needs something to bring her down when her episodes start. She was self medicating for a while with mogadon (nitrazepam) and that worked (she just went to bed) but she's ran out & they won't prescribe her anything like that.

Anyway, she's totally on her own now and I feel really sorry for her. The children are going to school so hopefully she'll be spending the day in bed...

I'm so tempted to ring her & get back involved. I'm not angry with her anymore, I just feel sorry for them.

She needs a mood stabiliser first. Once her ups and downs are controlled then they look at anti-psychotics etc. That's what I was informed anyway. Sort out mood swings first then see what else needs doing. I am on lithium and don't so far need anything else. She needs to be under the care of a psychiatrist not her GP although they of course need to do the referral.

Agree with pp you need to speak to the community mental health team and get them back involved. You don't have to mention the children just the mood and drugs. And you can do it anonymously. They will understand.

There's really very little you can do if she is in an episode. She won't listen to you. I understand how worried you must be but really it sounds like it's gone well beyond anything you can do. She needs professional advice and support. I hope she gets it as coverage for mental health services is exceedingly patchy.

sorry unless she is hallucinating etc. Then they introduce different drugs at the same time. Only a good psychiatrist can identify that. And it will take a while whilst they play around with the right combinations and types of drugs. It doesn't sound like she sees a psychiatrist?

You could also contact someone like MIND or Bipolar UK for more advice on what to do.

In know you've been living and breathing this OP, so you know a lot about what is going on. However, you are not at all qualified to make a judgement on the situation with the children. I can't underestimate enough how life changing this environment will be for them.
It will seep into every part of their being and later effect every aspect of their lives to varying degrees.

Whether or not you have judged them to be happy in their ignorance, you know from your own family what their lives should be like.
I don't want to put any more pressure on you but you really are the only one who can help them.

I know a couple of foster carers and absolutely guarantee that live with them is more consistent and safe than their current situation. It might not even come to that, but it's not your judgement to make. The decision should be purely based on an assessment by professionals...but they can't do that if you don't let them know.

I think you have been amazing and I can only imagine the burden you have faced so far. Please make that call and then take some time for yourself. The stress you have been under is huge and you really need time for yourself.

You can save those children.

I grew up in a violent and very any since home. I used to pray someone would take me out of it and rescue me. Always quietly. I never let on how bad things were at home. One adult spotted it and moved to protect me.

When school finally realised I was 15 1/2. We were taken into care that day. My brothers had been held against a wall by their throats with their feet off the ground. I will never forget the looks of terror. The screams of my brothers and the horrors we all lived with.

I ask you to call social services. The horror of my childhood lives with me 22 years later. We were out into a home and the one enduring memory I have is... How peaceful it was. I had proper food and didn't walk on eggshells

I know how hard a place you are in but a smear campaign ... Tell them to bring it. The faces of those lovely children should keep your on track.

They are entitled to their bit of peace too. If only until mum is back on track

Do you know which school the children go to ? If sp can you ask to speak to the designated person for child protection? The school will be aware of SS involvement and should have more direct access to the services involved. You do need to do something.