Fellow introverts and people who like being alone: how did you cope when you had children?

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I am in my early thirties and am feeling increasingly scared of the future. I have no family other than my (wonderful) parents but when they are gone it will just be me, unless I have children. The idea of being alone in the world with noone to love or to love me scares me so much but at the same time I have a bunch of health conditions that I think might make child rearing very difficult. To top it all off I am an introvert (something which I have only recently realised because I am outgoing and confident and have a lot of friends). Thus I feel I really need a lot of time alone and the idea of having to be around people every evening sounds awful. Did anyone else feel this way and go on to have kids? Is it different when they're your family? In some ways I think I'd be a good parent. I'm a nice person and kind and caring and I'm not judgemental over stupid things. But when I read on here about yet another man who's just packed up and left and become a part time McDonald's dad because he couldn't handle family life I do wonder if that would be me. Being a part time mum would suit me fantastically but I know it isn't really an option. Has anyone made parenting with a similar personality type work? Or would it just be really selfish to have kids? I'm single so this isn't a choice I'm facing at the moment and might never be but I feel I need to find some clarity.

Thanks for all your answers guys - it's really interesting to hear how different people cope! I like the opt-in opt-out idea plumppartridge but I don't think I would get the same loving relationship with animals. I like animals but I crave a deeper connection. All for for thought though!

I'm an introvert and it is hard sometimes, but not as hard as I thought.

It is absolutely crucial to have the right partner, someone who does everything equally, so you can go off on your own with no fuss. You don't want one of these guys who can't put the kid to bed by himself.

Having only one child makes life easier, at least for me. I think I would have a nervous breakdown with two.

If you're lucky your child will also be a bit introverted and you can potter around at home together -- I've had the same experience as castlist. From reading MN you might think it's all baby groups and soft play and mum cafes but I've never done any of that.

So I wouldn't give up on the idea, no. Just make sure you do it in a way that feels right for you.

introverty I find being an expat soothing as well! I remember the first time taking a tram, not being able to understand a word anyone was saying, and thinking ahhhh, bliss.

Hooray: I saw this thread the other day but didn't have time to read it and it's been on my mind ever since. The issue of being an introvert with children has been on my mind for ages.

I'm an introvert, full-time SAHM, with two children, 7 and 4. I find it hard. Not all the time, and not as hard as it used to be, but still. My daughter always wants me to be smiling and super-duper enthusiastic 24/7, like she is, and I feel awful because I'm just not wired like that. It used to affect me really badly when she was 3 or 4; I was always worrying that I was putting on a totally fake version of myself, and I hated being fake to her.

Both mine went to nursery a few mornings a week from age 2, to socialise and be around genuinely enthusiastic, energetic adults. It was good for them. I'm not saying that to make myself feel better; they loved it, settled in without tears, and used to skip there happily (and were really happy to see me afterwards; they weren't desperate to get shot of me). We both liked the break.

I am not sorry I had them. They are amazing. They bring total happiness to my life. And I know I'm a good mother because I have happy, kind kids who love each other and care for other people and I often get told I'm doing a good job. Introversion doesn't ruin everything. In fact, being a quiet listener who thinks about things deeply makes you a very, very good parent when your kids have problems. We've helped our daughter really well with some difficult things at school because we really listened for all the hours it took for her to talk, and we thought hard about the best thing to do. (DH is an introvert too.)

But I wish I were livelier. I don't know where my daughter got the idea that mothers are sunny and energetic and outgoing ALL THE TIME, but she wants it of me and gets really, really concerned and downhearted when I'm quiet or exhausted. I worry that she tries too hard to please me and cheer me up, and I worry that the worry is making me more reclusive and argh. She often asks why I'm 'sad' when I'm not, I just need time out.

Having a second child was the best thing I ever did. They love each other and LAUGH together until they can't breathe. Having one makes you the sole focus and fun-provider of your child, and that's exhausting. Have two. Seriously.

It's getting easier. They aren't babies or toddlers any more. They don't need watching all the time. I can go to my room for a quiet 20 minutes mid-evening. My daughter loves 'quiet time' in the evenings, when I dim the lights and we snuggle and read together. I do balance out the quiet times with times of enthusiasm. I just wish I could keep those up longer.

I hate mother & toddler groups. That's the other thing. I just can't stand in a kitchen and talk about fitted kitchens and whether my child will eat peas. I can't. I wish I were more extravert; everyone around me seems to be.

Sorry for the long post. I'm really, really happy to hear I'm not the only one. Thank you. x

Don't even consider having a kid unless you have a partner who is truly, truly able to do his fair share, and who is able to respect your own need for personal time as much as he does his own.

this.

some people might shoot me for this, but you can also consider part time nursery. I'm in the same position as you, introverted and need alone-time, plus health problems. this isnt switchoffable, i wish it was, I really do. But as it is, we've had to work around the health problems in particular. Our solution was -some- time in a very nice nursery. Which he thrived on, becuase he's a very sociable little bugger (god knows how we two managed to produce him) and loved nursery then playgroup til he was old enough for school.

Kind of afraid I'll get a lot of criticism here for putting him in nursery some of the time so I'll make it clear it was only about 10 hours a week, but it was just enough to let me keep going on both the physical and mental front.

Papa is a very hands on dad too which helps a great deal.

Meerka, your fear of being flamed for putting your child in nursery a few hours a week (which you shouldn't feel bad about, at all) brings up another issue for me.

I personally feel that the model of parenthood pushed so hard today is essentially one for extroverts -- or at least, people who are not very introverted.

You are supposed to take as long a maternity leave as possible, spend all your time entertaining your child and going to baby groups, baby swimming, baby yoga, have coffees with other mums, etc. God forbid you leave your baby to go out for an evening, never mind a weekend. The answer to so many problems is co-sleeping or sling-wearing. It's absolutely verboten to ever put your child in front of the TV or in a playpen for a short time so you can get some things done. So many women write they don't even have time to pee during the day.

I think it's fine if you are happy with this but for an introvert this parenting model is an absolute nightmare. Yet it's hard not to feel bad sometimes for failing to do these things.

So I would say being an introverted parent also means finding a way to be okay with not doing things you are 'supposed' to do, of finding your own path. But this is entirely possible, so don't be too scared of what you read on MN sometimes.

I agree 100% dreaming! One of the biggest things I struggled with was that the thing that everyone said "saved their sanity" (mother and toddler groups etc) is one of the hardest things to do for me. I still prefer the activities that minimise that actual interaction required (we go toddler swimming where other than the occasional smile I can tune everyone but DD2 out).

I'm an introvert, love being around people and having them here but I need lots of time to recover. I find it tiring to be around people all of the time.

I have two dcs who are both fairly quiet and like their own "me" time which helps. DP also likes a lot of time to himself.

So, I escape to my office and shut the door, DP goes into his and the children have the run of the rest of the house. Works for us.

vvviola yes exactly when I was struggling in the early days, mostly due to sleep deprivation, everyone kept telling me to go out more, go to baby groups, etc. absolutely the last thing I wanted to do. And if I mentioned missing just being able to go out on my own and do things, people would just say: well that's over now, you just have to adapt.

It wasn't until about 3 months in that I started feeling better, after I just decided sod this, I'm going to do things my own way. I nested happily at home with DS and went out sometimes in the evenings when DH was home, and I felt so much better.

How are you introvert?

If you are sociable and have lots of friends surely that would ruin what an introvert is?

Being an introvert doesn't mean you have no friends. Basically the difference is that an extrovert gets energy from interacting with others, whereas an introvert will find it tiring and need to recharge.

So it's possible to be a 'social introvert', have lots of friends and go out, but then need time alone to recover from it. Whereas a non-introvert would feel energised by it.

I have known all my life that I could never be a SAHM. Ever. I have 2 children aged 2 and 3. I work full time andhave a nanny. If I couldnt have afforded a nanny or didn't have a DH who would take on the stay at home role I wouldn't have had them.

I love my children but as an only child from a very small family and a dedicated career person I don't find dealing with small children either easy or really enjoyable. I love it when I do bath and bedtime and sing and cuddle them. But spending an entire day with my own kids is massively hard for me.

Its easier when DH is here but he works away for weeksat a time. Hence needing the nanny.

But I was in the same position as you. No siblings, ageing parents, very few relatives, friends all having kids. I didn't want to be old and alone either.

I don't at all regret having my kids and I love them very much but it was always going to be a mixed blessing for me.

fortunately I do better with older children than toddlers. I was fine when they were tiny babies too. Its a challenge but overall is worth it for what they add to your life and family.

But it is not easy.

I'm also a sociable introvert. Things that help me:

Having a part time job and one in which working from home is an option

Being very routined about bedtimes so evenings are adult time

Going running, having evening baths and sometimes sleeping in separate rooms

Having two DCs now so they entertain each other!

Remembering that the toddler years are temporary and greater independence will come

And yes to the knitting.

I would not be without my DH or DCs for anything, but nothing could have prepared me for the level of selflessness needed. The old MN phrase of "this too will pass" does help!

I'm a (fairly) sociable introvert, so I understand your concerns, I think. I'm also married with toddler twins. I have adjusted quite well to having the constant presence and noise of my children around, and I adore my sons more than I imagined would be possible. I think my children are quite introvert themselves, which probably helps. They're often happy to play quietly whilst I'm in another room, which breaks up the periods of "mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy mummy". And when they napped, that helped. But I don't want to make it sound as though I'm avoiding them, because I'm not! Somehow, they're in a different category from everyone else in my life, so I just don't need much space from them.

I loved maternity leave, mostly for the chance to be with my gorgeous boys, but also because it was time away from my very people-focused job.

And now I'm back at work part-time, I tend to take my annual leave at different times from when my husband takes it, because we're both introverts who just need some time completely and utterly alone. It works for us.

What I'm trying to say is, lots of introverts have children. And if it's what you really want to do, you'll make it work for you. There are different ways of doing things in parenting, and children themselves vary so much. We're all just figuring it out as we go along.

I am hugely introverted and have suffered from depression for the last 2 years as well, which makes my need for solitude even greater. There have been times when I have wanted to run away from family life and never return, but those have been times when my needs have been neglected for a prolonged period of time.

Now that ds2 is at preschool I have 3 hours to myself 5 days a week and it is bliss! Prior to him going I really struggled with having dependents, and I even felt that I was the 'wrong mummy' for ds1 who is extremely extroverted. The way he is is just not always compatible with the way i am. I love them both immensely and now ii have some time to myself I can cope better. Dh takes the dc out as much as he can when i'm having a bad time and is very supportive in that respect.

Having children is not really the solution to your problem though. I had kids because I really wanted them. I was broody and dh and I were ready to start a family and I still found it the hardest thing I have ever done. Have you considered that any future children of yours may not want to be your 'company' as you get older? They may be busy having their own families, or live on the other side of the world. My dm sees me and my dc as hers, and behaves in a way that suggests she believes we are responsible for preventing her loneliness and keeping her entertained. I resent this pressure and expectation massively and no longer allow her to impose her presence on us.

You have a lot to think about, OP.

Thanks for everyone's input. Puttheshelvesup - I'm not looking for company when I'm older - I quite like being alone as I have mentioned several times before! But I feel that contact with loved ones every now and again is a necessity more than a luxury. They can go and live abroad and have their own families but at least I know that there are people in the world that do have that deep love for me, and who I have a deep love for even if I don't see them very often (although while I like being alone I would never turn them away if they needed me).

I am working to make my life manageable and gearing up for the possibility of having children even if it may never happen. I work from home now and it is absolute bliss! So I guess that may make things easier for me if I can continue to do so.

It is encouraging to hear so many fellow introverts have made it work! I shall come back and reread this thread when I have stress-outs in the future!

Sorry, I think I was projecting a bit there! What I was trying to say before my own problems took over was that you need to want the baby years too. They are so hard and relentless, even for people who longed for a baby. If you can think about the weeks/months of sleepless nights and days of no respite, and still find the idea of children appealing then go to it. If it fills you with horror then there is the very real possibility that you will end up resenting your children for taking away your solitude.

I'm a popular, sociable, outgoing introvert. I hadn't recognised myself as such when we had dd. I was (at that time) socially isolated as we'd just moved to a new area and I had no car. I have to be frank I and say becoming a mother was a very difficult time for me. I've always been great with kids and expected to slip into the role with ease. Instead I felt shellshocked by the birth, swamped and trapped by the high needs responsibilities of being with. Newborn, and trapped by and and afraid of a child who I was scared to let cry in case I scarred her for life. I do look at myself then and laugh to be honest. I'm not sure WHY I thought it would be a breeze to be a parent. It's a slog at times, very repetitive, you get no time for you for a long time if you have a non sleeper. (First child was 2.5 years old before she slept through the night.) and we did crazy things to try and get her to sleep.
I ended up resenting her and getting angry with her quite often in the beginning, something for which I still carry a lot of guilt about now. I didn't ever, ever hit her, but I used to shout a lot...i was desperate for some time alone yet I couldn't bear to let anyone else near her for fear they'd do something to jeopardise that nights sleep.

I realise this paints a shitty picture of me, but I was also often very loving, I gave my all to her, adored every inch of her and was overcome by how much I loved her right from the first moment she was born. Looking back I think not being able to drive and being too scared to go to toddler groups (because I was scared she would cry and everyone would think I was a crap mum, and I hated the idea of toddler groups anyway) were the things that made it such a struggle for me.

Now things couldn't be more different. I have several lovely groups of friends who we regularly socialise with. I drive, I work a couple of hours a day, I run my own business too, we had a second child (albeit a while after the first) which was a totally different experience. I now love being with my kids, we have a great relationship with one another...and I make sure I get a night away once every few months and nights out when I Need space.

I'd say the necessary elements to coping with parenthood as an introvert are.

Be able to drive...driving cars often make babies sleep and audio books and a full tank of petrol/a sleeping baby can save your sanity

Get out for at least half an hour a day, and make it half an hour outside if you can.

Don't go to toddler groups if you don't want too. Your baby needs only your to begin with.

Do get your family or close friends involved. Having somewhere to go for coffee just to get you out of the house once a day makes a. Big difference.

TV will not kill your child, but Half an hour of it a day may well stop you killing your child. ;)

Don't give a toss what anyone else thinks about your parenting...because no one else gives a toss what you think about theirs!

Realise that it doesn't last forever. It felt like I had condemned myself to a life sentence of never sleeping or having any life ever when we had dd. It passed, she slept, I got my life back.

Get help if you feel like I did for the first 9 months. I was clearly depressed. I will forever feel guilty that I couldn't admit it to myself. It would have been better for gorgeous little dd and I to have some help in those days.

I love being a mum now. I mean wholeheartedly and completely love it. I am a happier, healthier person for it. And my kids are the most hilarious, incredible people I have ever met...and I am now a good and happy parent. It all worked out fine. :)

Oh and childcare helps. We really turned a corner when dd started nursery at 2.5. She slept then too and I learned to drive and suddenly I loved being a parent!