wwyd? In this situation

[chefpants]

Man I've been seeing for nearly 6 months two weeks ago told me he was married by the way of informing me his wife is pregnant. Semi casual relationship due to my work/family. Recently told him I love him and in all honesty if I didnt feel so shit about it all I would feel so terribly broken hearted.
I had no idea it's like I've been hit with a truck. Have had no contact and that alone is hard enough to deal with considering we spoke more than several times a day.
This all sounds so stupid and I've made such a mess of it all. But I've just today found out I'm pregnant (i was on the pill) about 2months and his wife Is about 5weeks. I havent told him yet and not sure if I should. What does it all achieve?
Is it ever ok for an ow to tell the wife? Can I give him an ultimatum to tell her or I will?
If I was I Her shoes I would want to know considering the circumstances. I've just made a massive mess of it all and want to hide away. I don't want to hurt him I really don't but so confused.

You don't need to make any rash decisions or moves, other than to decide if you want to go ahead and have this baby (or not).

I would make yourself and (if you choose to continue with it) your pregnancy the priority here. The guy and his wife and his messy life can be revisited when you've made your plans and decided on what you want.

I wouldn't have the baby
I wouldn't tell his wife
I would take more care in future

So just post that, Greybrows, everything else was just superfluous nastiness.

On another thread today a poster is being clearly and repeatedly (and crudely IMO) told she's putting cock before her kids. In this case though the OP has said she's got pg by a casual shag when her baby is 9 mo, it's all poor poor you - why is that, because he is the ultimate slimeball according to MN, the married man? And she therefore can't be reminded to take responsibility for her own actions? Unbelievable!

Of course she can be reminded, just there is no need to be so unkind about it.

Greybrows - I do see what you're saying, I just think that as the OP has asked for opinions on MN, it doesn't help to judge someone that we don't know. There are ways to say things a bit kinder, especially as it's not helpful to her now being in this awful situation of deciding whether to keep her baby and not to forget there is a DW involved in this too whose world is about to be shattered.

chefpants - can you talk to an impartial professional about your options? If you are 2 months gone then there is a limited time for decisions but you do need to take time to make the right one.

Just to add as well, I wouldn't tell the DW, she is innocent in this and I wouldn't want to be responsible for her having such stress that she is at risk of MC.

She will find out but you need to think about your own situation now and focus on that.

Only back to say that whilst I'd normally be against telling the DW I have mixed feelings.

Both DW and OP are pregnant by the same man, in a relatively short space of time; I hope that the man responsible has not impregnated anyone else. I really think an STD test may be necessary, for both OP and DW as this married man clearly has problems keeping his cock to himself.

Sorry OP, I don't wish to sound at all harsh, or judgemental, but your health is very important - particularly with two young DC's to look after.

Maybe the wife wouldn't want to have a baby by her cheating husband and by not telling her she hasn't that choice? Other people making decisions about lives that aren't theirs again.

The wife may know already.

Apparently it is quite common for a cheated on wife (in the know) to become pregnant. I know it isn't one sided but some do think their husband will come back to them then.

There's no way I would want to have a baby a) when I'd only just had one, and b) with such an odious lying shit: remember that you'll be shackled in one way or another to this faithless tosser for years if you decide to go ahead. I really wouldn't recommend it.

It is a harsh lesson to learn, but I'd strongly suggest cutting all ties with this bloke and moving on with your life, your studies, and your two children.

You are all making it very clear he is an idiot and I should really care less about him.
I got std tested when I found out I was pregnant.
I was completely blindsided and had no idea what so ever and I never intentionally got pregnant.
Greybrows is right if I had better judgement (not been such a slut) I wouldnt be in this mess. I obviously have a rather small moral compass.

I don't really have anyone I can talk to about this in rl and wouldn't dream of it now considering the circumstances.
I haven't spoken to him at all since it all unraveled and now don't think I ever will again.
You are all being very supportive and I thank you so much. Even greybrows for being so honest and saying what I already think of myself.

Chefpants I'm sorry I came over so harsh, I was irritated at all the initial responses being all about him because, well even if he wasn't married you'd still be in a bind. I hope you'll find the support you need to make a decision, and I'm really sorry you don't feel you have anyone to talk to in RL. I don't think telling his wife will make you feel better, take care of yourself and your DC.

You are not a slut!

I can see the argument for not telling his wife, but I'm currently pregnant and if my husband had got someone else pregnant three weeks ahead of me, I'd sure as hell want to know about it for all kinds of reasons. I think you need to tell him that he tells her or you do, to be honest.

Confused. You said you only found out you were pregnant yesterday , but have since said that you tested for STIs on the day you found out you were pregnant - that would be yesterday surely??

I would want to know if I were her, but equally if I were here I'm not sure I'd believe someone who came up to me to tell me she was pregnant with my husbands child, not unless we had issues/I suspected.

Part of me things, write a letter... but that's so cowardly. Meeting in public would be beneficial for both in terms of feeling safer, but she would be put in a real spot.

I think if you were to tell her I'd go in person (with a friend waiting in the car) and my opening statement would be something like "I'm so sorry. He didn't tell me he was married until X day. I've been dating [husbands name] for 6 months and he just told me you're X weeks pregnant. He doesn't know yet that I'm X weeks pregnant. I don't know yet what I'm going to do, and I have very little time to decide but I wanted you to know. I'm not staying with him and broke it off as soon as I found out. I never would have been with him if I knew he was married. If you want to talk about it, contact me via this e-mail/number whatever. If you want proof I have X, Y and Z."

The problem I see with HIM telling her, as opposed to the OP is him lying. Him saying something like it's not his kid, or covering his tracks. Of his wife thinking the OP is a home-wreaker instead of an innocent party in this.

That's why I would tell her. She might not believe it, but at least you tried and if you do keep the baby she'll know for sure once the DNA test is done.

wow typos... ...equally if i were her

"Part of me thinks"