mil's dp makes me uncomfortable - in fact I hate him!

[HelenHen]

Mil is wonderful, she would do absolutely anything for us and ds loves her to bits. However, her long term partner makes me feel very uncomfortable. He undermines me any chance he gets and makes me angry, I often end up ignoring him. At family gatherings, he's always trying to take ds to another room and I say no. When ds stays over, he still insists he sleeps in cot in their room even though he's 19 months and they have a spare room. Mil told me he likes to let ds run around naked. He's constantly fawning over him and saying 'oh he's lovely, he's gorgeous' and it makes me cringe. I'm not suggesting there's anything going on but he makes me very uncomfortable and I hate even being around him. He makes dh uncomfortable too! He keeps trying to give us money which I feel is inappropriate (mil can give dh money if she likes but mil dp shouldn't be offering me money, I only take money from my dad)

I guess, at best, I feel like he's trying to muscle in on the grandad role (both granddad live abroad). Unfortunately when ds was a few months old, mil asked if he could call dp grandad and I agreed. I've regretted it every day since.

Mil asked if she could come over tonight and I said yes. Then she replied saying 'we'll be there at half five' so obviously he's coming and now I feel all anxious. I wanna tell her I'm feeling Sick or see if dh can come home early.

Am I being dramatic?

Please, please trust your instinct and protect your child. Nothing else - no upset or hurt or being wrong or anything stacks up against protecting your child. You are having these feelings for a reason.

FWIW I feel the same about my MIL's husband.

Just poking my head in to agree with the 'trust your instincts' folk.
And milk the pregnancy hormones for all they're worth!
Your way or the highway!

Don't cut the mil's partner any slack just because he had a shitty childhood. I constantly fell for this with my ex and used it to excuse his behaviour. Go with your instincts, as everyone has said.

What do you do about it snowaway? Yep, thanks perplexedpirate

Oh Lisa, I don't, dh does... If anything, his past makes me judge him even more. I know that's not fair either but I don't care.

You're all right though. Fwiw... I can be quite dramatic at Times which is why I wanted to check here to see if I'm maybe unreasonable. But yep, I cannot risk ds or dc2 ever!

Hi OP, again another poster saying 'trust your instincts'. I'm sorry if this seems overdramatic but I felt a little alarmed when you wrote that your ds would be with them during your labour. I was abused by a family friend when I was a toddler, I think my dm was even in the house at the time (and still has no idea about it), and it began and ended within a couple of minutes.

If something feels off-kilter then go with your gut. Again, I'm really sorry if my post appears to verge on hysterical.

Can you hire a nanny for the labour/birth and tell your mil that you don't need them to look after ds, that it's too much to ask of them and you've made up your minds?

No way i'd let my ds go somewhere with someone I felt thaat uneasy about.

Ok puttheshelvesup, you've just put the fear of God into me!

What do I do about it?

In a nutshell, I make sure he is never, EVER alone with my children. I insist on this to the point of hurting the feelings of others in the family. I trust my instinct on this one. Fortunately I have two great sisters in law and they both agree with me that there is something not right about him and do the same.

I know our instinct is always to be polite and not make things uncomfortable, but unfortunately that is EXACTLY the kind of thing that leaves children vulnerable to abuse, and I'd never forgive myself.

I've chatted to dh about it cos he was asking if mil could take ds this weekend and we go out. So I've explained how I'm feeling and, while he doesn't agree, he totally accepts that, as a mother, I have to go with instinct and he was quite good about it really! He just pointed out that he's never had any suspicions (and he's a brilliant judge of character) and that dp sees his kid, grandkids, nieces and nephews regularly. I know I'm more than likely being dramatic as in the past couple of years there have been abuse issues in bils family and

Phone!!!!!

And in dads dp's family. I've made several plans for when I go into Labour and they all revolve around when and where it happens! One of those plans is ds staying with mil. If this plan happens, short of dropping ds off in a hotel for the night, there's nothing I can do. So I'd appreciate it if you'd all stop making me feel like a terrible mother for having to do that. I've looked into all other options, some may work some may not but all will be dictated by the speed of Labour and possible complications afterwards.

Love, if our concerns are making you feel anything (when nothing has happened) then it's all the more reason for making damned sure that nothing DOES happen.

I know this is a hideous situation, but you would not forgive yourself if your instincts AREN'T too far off.

You are worried, and you are talking about it and looking into ways around it. That in itself proves that you are NOT a terrible mother.

Thanks... I think

I have already limited contact without ever having to suggest anything or make too many excuses.

Of course I would never forgive myself but there is one situation where I may possibly have no other option but to put him in the care of mil who I trust deeply! What good Will come of having me terrified, whilst in Labour, of something that would probably never happen? I have no family here, very few friends, none of whom are in as position to take him anyway, dh cannot look after him whilst attending the birth of his child. In any case dh usually works s couple of hours away and is not guaranteed to even be here on time. Do I just take him to delivery suite with me or leave him in the care of somebody I don't know which also poses it's own risks? I can talk with mil beforehand and ask that all the caring be done by her as I want things to stay as normal as possible for him. Other than that, what can I do? Pointing out my concerns does not solve the problem!

Could your mil take care of ds at your own home instead of him going to theirs? That way if her partner is around at least he won't have the comfort of being on his 'home turf' IYSWIM. People are automatically on their best behaviour when staying in someone elses home.

BTW, people have only responded to your OP with their own experiences and stories. Nobody has said you are a bad mother or cast aspersions on your parenting skills at all. They have merely given you their take on the situation, which is what you asked for. Lashing out because the answers upset you isn't really fair.

Maybe so but, in my original post, I didn't mention Labour at all. I asked if I was being dramatic but then suddenly it seems that I'm willingly leaving ds in the sole care of a known sex offender when there are plenty of options available to me. This is not the case. The man makes me feel uncomfortable... That's it. DS May be in the care of mil when I'm in Labour, that's it. Maybe I asked for advice in the wrong place!

Thanks for the idea and its possible she can watch him here but again, it will depend on where and when I go into Labour.

Well, reading the first paragraph of your OP made me feel queasy.

So I'll join the chorus which says, trust your instincts. Please do read the book toodles recommended, and don't assume what you're concerned about would probably never happen. You can't really know.

I'm not sure what to suggest about your labour plans, except to say, how would you cope if in-laws were away on holiday that day, or incapacitated?You need a contingency plan for the care of your DS.

The only reason people shared stories and concern about potential abuse is because you came in with that angle yourself in the OP. People just ran with what you started.

her long term partner makes me feel very uncomfortable. He undermines me any chance he gets and makes me angry, I often end up ignoring him. At family gatherings, he's always trying to take ds to another room and I say no. When ds stays over, he still insists he sleeps in cot in their room even though he's 19 months and they have a spare room. Mil told me he likes to let ds run around naked. He's constantly fawning over him and saying 'oh he's lovely, he's gorgeous' and it makes me cringe.

In short; no you're not being dramatic. The reasons you gave for the man making you uncomfortable are all concerning his interest in your ds. I hope you manage to find a solution to this that you are completely comfortable with. All the best.

Speak to your Midwife, and/or health visitor. Explain that you need an emergency back up.

Can you find an aupair, have her spend some time with ds and have her on standby?

Maybe even a night nurse for the first week, starting with the labour childcare in your own home.

There are options, you do however seem scared to overly rock the boat somehow. You've got by up until now, but this is a challenge that will possibly bring things to a head. You havve to prepare yourself for this. This is parenting, not a popularity competition within your ils.

You make a plan that excludes him, and you will feel better. If mil is the one to look after ds when you have ds2, then it's at your house, and only she comes.

If it's suggested at all that her dp goes, then you state that it's childcare for the birth only, not a 'jolly' and only overnight at yours.

If she's not comfortable with that, you'll make alternative plans.

This feeling you have about her dp will never go away, so you are going to have to decide your boundary and state it to your H and expect it to be adhered to.

You can do this. If this isn't your prerogative, then whose?

My family will do and say whatever they want to get me to 'buckle'

I won't.

I think you are hoping (as I used to) that if you drop enough subtle hints, they will get the message.

People like this won't get the message. You are going to have to be a little more bald, to state your decision and stick to it.

We've decided and that won't work for us. And then refusal to allow negotiations with a flat out 'no'.

You don't owe anyone an explanation. Ever.

Thank you for your replies and I know you all mean well so apologies if I seem ungrateful. I'm never afraid of rocking a boat... I'm not in the habit of going around accusing someone of being a sex offender though just cos I don't like them! That's pretty dangerous and would only result in isolating us from in laws who have been nothing but brilliant! I will see about asking mil to stay over saying that I want things to be as normal as possible for ds and I can make up the single spare room for her. But again it's all about when and where! If he's already asleep she will just come to the house anyway so that would be easiest! I have mw appointment Monday so, without mentioning specifics, I may mention that childcare options are few and see what she comes up with.

Don't be too hard on yourself Helen, you're bound to be a bit sensitive because it is something hugely important to you x

I have absolutely zero experience of anything like this but all I can say is I have learnt from my own bitter experiences, and talking to other people, that our instincts are generally right, to an extent. It may be nothing as serious as some of the allegations being suggested on here but there's something about him that makes you uncomfortable so, in answer to your question no I don't think you are being dramatic at all, you are being a mother.

Like you say, you can't plan for exactly what is going to happen practically when you go into labour so what you suggest in your last post is, I think, the best you can plan for at the moment. And let's hope you go into labour when your little one is fast asleep at home so your mil has to come round.

Good luck with the birth by the way, hope it goes smoothly xx

Sounds like a plan, and yes, accusations like this can't be made on only a feeling.

That's a good idea to have a word with the midwife, HelenHen.

Just to reassure, you don't have to accuse anyone of anything to set your own boundaries as you see fit.

My own DM kept me safe from a career paedophile when I was a child. She didn't know he was one, of course, otherwise she'd have been talking to police. She simply felt uneasy, without knowing why, and quietly kept me away. Other children weren't so lucky.

....and I'm not saying that you definitely have a problem with MIL's partner, only that you can set your boundaries as you choose.

Thanks Morley and hissy

Best case scenario, I go into Labour about 9pm when he's asleep, mil comes here and dh takes me to hospital and we're out the next day! This will probably not be an issue. Once I'm out I'm in complete control then and with dc2, they won't have the capacity to take both kids anyway so babysitting in house will be only option.

Wow wyrdybird... Fair play! Looking forward to setting plenty of boundaries in the coming months

Setting boundaries is bloody hard!

Having kids is where we kind of have to, to make sure they have enough sleep, quiet time etc, but also to be the protection they need.

Your ds is not even 2, so you'll not have been forced to make too many decisions about what you find acceptable or not. When your boy is older, you can talk to him about private areas/places and his rights, but right now, you are the only chance he has of being protected IF someone with mal-intent comes into his life.

Some of us have had to police the feeding of crap to our toddlers, or dad's not pulling their weight or respecting the well-oiled routines.

I've had big boundaries to fight with my own parents. To the point that I had to go no contact with them all. Not a decision I wanted to take, but sadly had to.

Nothing like the feeling you had, but insidious drip-drip events that all together make a sorry story.

You will never be wrong to trust your instincts.

Let's hope for the best for the birth and it all works well with timing. :) getting details agreed now with H will help you relax a bit I think, and the HV appt will help too!

wyrdy's mum's a hero! :)