Please help me to stay strong, phone call this afternoon with exH

[pinkfluffypoodleface]

Morning, I have a problem & I need to know whether I'm being unreasonable :) but I need the more measured response of posters here rather than aibu.

In short - left exH 4 years ago due to his alcoholism & drug abuse, also financial abuse & ea, we used to have an informal maintenance agreement that we stuck to then he stopped paying, various excuses so after a year of this I went to the CSA. He promptly became unemployed & for the past 3 years has paid me £10 per fortnight maintenance. Fair enough he's unemployed, has been through rehab & is now clean. Due to the financial abuse in the marriage I've since had to declare bankruptcy & now live with DP & my boys.

He's just had the DC's for a weekend & this morning DS1 told me about daddy's job designing websites. It is entirely plausible that exH has a cash in hand job, is earning & he has the mindset that he doesn't have to contribute towards his children.

So I couldn't let this info go as we struggle for money & texted exH this morning to ask if he has a job & we had a very nasty argument. He said he has a job but it is under 16 hours per week & doesn't affect his benefits or the CSA payments, he accused me of not getting a job if I was struggling so much (no term time work around, I've been looking for ages) & we I'm ashamed to say got a bit personal with each other & I accused him of being a shit husband & he accused me of stuff & said 'if I wanted it to get nasty then he could'. I hung up on him. I reminded him about the year that he didn't pay for his children etc.

Now he has texted wanting to talk. He's not used to me standing up to him as I didn't when we were married & he's not used to me being assertive. He wants me to call him back as he has a couple of concerns about the kid's home life while they were away. No idea why he didn't bring these concerns up when he dropped them off, I think he is trying to get me back in my box by throwing stuff at me & deflecting from him.

Please help me to stay strong, I need to phone him back & I'm dreading it & the adrenalin from this morning has left me shaking & non assertive. I need to phone him back & stay strong.

What a shit man.

Can you text him back and say, if he has anything new to say, put it down in an email.

Why do you need to phone him back?
It would be better just to ignore rather than let him tie you up on knots and start mud slinging again. If he has concerns tell him yo outline them in an email to you but that you are not prepares to get into a fight with him on the telephone.
Trust me when you are strong enough to do that to him it will be way easier. I refuse to engage in conversation with my ex apart from on my doorstep when he collects and drops off the dc. I can't make him be a responsible parent that actually pays proper maintenance and has the dc best interest at heart. What I can do though is refuse to deal with his shite anymore and change my reaction to his behaviour.
He doesn't have concerns about home life what he believes he has is another stick to beat you with.

Don't get drawn in, tell him to email you if he has anything to say. Avoid talking to him if you can, no good will come of it and he is just trying to get to you. Don't let him!

Thanks for replies :)

I need the air clean today really, the argument has really shaken me up & I don't want it to drag on & on into another day. Its all I can think about right now.

I think he thinks that the kids are clothed, fed & have shoes so he doesn't have to contribute. But he is the first to sling around what a great dad he is!

I really wouldn't bother with this fella who thinks he is a father by contributing £20 a month and being a shit to his kid's mother.

You know he is in the wrong. You know he won't admit it. Don't bother with him.

Right I'm going to phone him, then if it all goes wrong I'll tell him to email me.

I can't carry on in dread from a phone call from him today. Let's see what his parenting concerns are...

Just getting it out has been good

Stop enabling him to wind you up. Tell him to put any concerns in writing. Start getting the upper hand and not falling for his mind games.

I agree with the others - you do not need to phone him. How likely is it that phoning him will clear the air? I think it's more likely that he will just use the phone call to wind you up further.

Text him and say you do want to speak and to please email if he has concerns about the children.

Calling him will not clear the air it will only enable him to wind you up further. If he calls you just ignore and repeat the text that if he has an issue to please put it in an email.

I've told him to email me. It didn't go well.

Thanks

Good on you! Stay strong

He thinks he is the boss of you, that's why it didn't go down well.

Honestly, he sounds like a twat. The fewer conversations you have with him, the better you will feel.

Actually I think he's worried, just because he's working under 16 hrs doesn't mean he doesn't have to tell the dwp what he's earning and they do deduct money. I think he's working and claiming and is trying to start anther row about something else to put you off topic.

Ide dob the bastard in for benefit fraud, also google him and see what comes up if you don't already, perhaps he's silly enough to advertise.