Lost all my confidence....feel so insecure!!!

[Hitchy83]

So, I've been with my DH over 12 years, married for 5. We've always had a good relationship, I trusted him 100%, he is in my eyes a perfect husband and daddy to our DS. Why am I posting then?! About 18 months ago I found out he had gone to a strip club on his stag do and had a fully nude private lap dance. I was absolutely heartbroken....given I was 7/8 months pregnant at finding out, shortly after having our DS my confidence hit rock bottom, I hated my body and how I looked and couldn't get the idea of this beautiful naked stripper being all over my husband. I posted on here and had some helpful advice, we ended up going to a counsellor to talk things through. My husband has always apologised for what happened, wished it hadn't, he was drunk and never drinks, says he loves me and my body is perfect in his eyes. He says all the right things which SHOULD reassure me. Part of me just wishes I could accept what has happened, learn from it and move on....but in my mind I'm just not the same person anymore.

So here's my issue. Now I just can't get the idea out my head that my DS fancies every pretty woman out there, I'm stupidly jealous, even over celebrities, I'm obsessed by seeing what Kelly brook looks like in th latest pics on daily mail to see what my husband is oogling at?!? How ridiculous is that! We take our DS to a soft play centre, and all I'm thinking is that there are loads of pretty mums here that he must be fancying! When we are intimate I'm thinking, he wishes I was the stripper. I can't understand why he is with me when there are prettier women he could be with.

It's stupid isn't it?!? I've honestly gone from one extreme to another, we used to be so secure together, I trusted him and knew he'd never hurt me....I guess then he did and now I'm just turning into this crazy super jealous wife and I hate it but don't know how to stop!

Don't know whether I should go back to counsellor on my own? Any other suggestions or advice greatly appreciated!!

Re: it being erotic. Remember he was drunk too.

I always recall that story about Ashley Cole shagging some bird when he was really pissed and her saying that he threw up on her during the act!!!

OP I think Ledkr is right. You and your hub need to sit down and have a real discussion about how you both feel about it, with a view to putting it behind you. then get some counselling if you still feel you need to.

I hate the sex industry, both the women involved and the men who use it. I know it is supposed to be cool these days, emotionless sex, but I loathe all of it, including porn. Prudish old fossil I suppose. ;)

Two different things i suggested hitchy, one a book by anne dickson. It says its about assertiveness but it helped me make sense of self esteem.

Also, loads of great workouts avaiable free on line. Fitness blender! Start with a 12 minute wirk out!?

Im a fan of jillian michaels myself. To quote jillian michaels quoting ernest hemmingway (!) You can be strongest where u were broken.

Me too allifafumble, the pressure on women to be "cool girl" and accept porn and lap dancing and sexualused pop videos etc, turns me OFF men and sex. In a general theoretical way that is.

The lapdance had nothing to do with you. It was entirely unrelated to you.

It sounds to me like you are having a crisis and the lap dance has just become a focus. I think you could be helped by cbt. Speak to your gp asap as the waiting list will be months.

In the meantime, have you thought about taking up running. I know it's a bit left field but it's free, can be fitted into any kind of schedule and is pretty empowering. There are loads of couch to 5k or 10k apps for your phone. It is also very popular and there will be a running club near you for sociability. Your body becomes strong and you feel strong.

It is really good for the mental health. You can also download self help audio apps to listen to while you run if you really want to kick start your confidence boost.

I would not be afraid of pushing him away. If you need to talk about it then he needs to accept that it is as a consequence of his actions and deal with it for as long as it takes for you to feel better. Perhaps you could think of a more healthy way to bring it up than little digs though? I can be a "digger" and recognise that it isn't helpful.

We do talk about it, I'm honest when I'm having a 'bad day' of thoughts and worries and he is really supportive, he's been really good about it and accepts that its something I recognise and want to deal with, he'll support me in any avenue I take whether it be counselling, talking to him more, meeting new friends, new hobby etc. I couldn't of asked for more from him to be fair. I'm at last resort now tho as I know he's getting fed up of the digs, I know they're not productive, just a supid way of punishing him I guess!

I'm going to look for the books you've suggested, and maybe yeah running could help, even if its just for a bit of 'me' time, time to reflect on my own.

Thank you x

Well running is great for the me time and clearing of your head. And can I suggest something? Stop thinking about it?

I know that sounds daft but really there is nothing more to be thought that you haven't already thought. You are habitually turning it over in your head.

You need to STOP. And I find a good way of doing that is the elastic band but you could do anything. Have an elastic band round your wrist and if you notice the thoughts float in ping it against your wrist and have something else to think about, a good thing, a fun thing you are planning or have something stupid to say like "I am strong sleek and beautiful" say it in a funny voice and make your lips smile and consciously think about something else.

I know that sounds nuts but I took that advice from someone else about a similar type thing and it worked brilliantly. I've used it on other stuff since and it works a treat.

And running is the best head clearing me time. It is amazing for my overactive thought process.

Well said rainbow.

Not stupid at all Rainbow , they are positive affirmations. Very healthy for replacing negative thoughts.