If so, how on earth can we go about salvaging it?
My counsellor suggested I write a letter to DH to express my feelings about our relationship. I wrote it in December but haven't given it to him. I've copied out below, sorry it's quite long.
My counsellor asked me what would happen, how you would react, if I wrote you a letter explaining how I was feeling about our relationship. I thought you wouldn't read it all, and wouldn't respond. You would perhaps say that you couldn't be arsed with it, and ignore it.
However, you said: no, to write it. That you would respond.
This is the hardest of letters to write. I know so much of it will hurt you, but my feelings are what they are, and I have felt this way for quite some time. In some ways it is good to write them down and get them off my chest, but I am worried that you knowing the whole truth about how I am feeling will have an irreversible, damaging effect on the status quo.
Mind you, I am not happy with the status quo.
Be prepared for a very honest, raw account.
I think you probably are aware that I have thought seriously, for a long time, about ending our marriage. The times you have crossed the line with your behaviour to the kids particularly, but also the longstanding lack of any sort of relationship between us leaves me sad and lonely.
I think the heart of the matter for me is respect.
I have lost a lot of respect for you, for many reasons, including
-debt : racking it up, not knowing or disclosing what on, and not telling me
-failure to take any responsibilty for the debt or any attempt to pay it off, other than using money I earn
But mostly
-that you seem content to be sitting at home, not contributing fully at home, and not contributing financially at all.
It puts me in mind of your mum and dad's relationship. I used to wonder why on earth she was in a relationship with a man sitting at home, while she worked and did most of the housework, and he ran up debts! And here I am now , wondering why I am doing the same.
I am supporting the family and have so much responsibility and you are so passive. I need you to step up and take responsibility for finding some work, providing for us and contributing.
I am working in a job causing me stress and making me unwell, and you sit around a lot, spending a lot of time on your computer and your hobby. You get 4 child free mornings per week. You have a lot of time. I spend my work free days tidying up too often instead of spending quality time with DS. I feel like a fool, being taken advantage of.
There is a huge imbalance here. It makes me feel resentment.
I find it hard to believe that in over 2 years you have been unable to find any work at all. You can't afford to be choosy. The right thing to do here is not rest until you have something, whilst continuing to work towards your dream career.
It's difficult to be attracted to someone you don't respect.
In addition, the 'look' you choose is not attractive to me (old,scruffy clothes and long, untidy hair). There are days you don't wash. Sometimes, I am embarrased to go out with you.
At the moment, I find it hard to find you physically attractive.
When we have been intimate, it has been disappointing. Not always, but when we have sex it is. You know there is a problem there - losing your erection/premature ejaculation. We have spoken about you talking to the doctor, but it seems you don't want to address it. That leaves me...well, frustrated. I miss sex. I want sex.
I don't want to remain in an attractionless, sexless marriage but the power to do anything about this seems to be entirely yours. If you don't want to address it, it seems my choices are accept this and live an asexual life, or find another partner. What a choice! My first choice would actually be fix the problems in our sex life, but that is not within my power.
Someone asked me: if I left, what would I most look forward to. It was easy to answer. A partner. Someone who took equal responsibility and made equal contribution.
You used to be such a patient, affectionate, fun father. There are still glimpses of that, but much of the time you are exasperated, snappy distant. Another thing which adds to my sadness is that I want another child. I can see that, in this state, this relationship is not one to bring another child into. You have been clear that you don't want more children. I would definitely have another child in a happier relationship.
I honestly am not sure whether I love you any more. I want to. I hope we can resolve some problems and find love again. I know I love the man you were, and that is what I am clinging to. I hoped the man you had become was a temporary persona while you were ill. I am not sure if you are still depressed or something else. You seem flat. Lost. Drifting. The longer you do the further we drift apart. I would not have chosen a partner with these characteristics and feel as if I am living with someone I would not have chosen. Please step up before it is too late. Find yourself again. This situation can't continue indefinitely.
Love from me x