What to do about PIL situation? Abusive FIL towards MIL

[MrsMoon76]

This is a truly awful situation. Some background - DH and I are together 4 years. I wouldn't have a close relationship with his parents as they are quite difficult and there has always been some kind of drama in the family with fights. fallings out etc. Over the years I have realised that DH has come from a very abusive and difficult family. This has a negative impact on our marriage but we work at it and DH is very self aware and knows he has picked up "wrong" behaviour and has slowly been changing. Not easy but he is doing well and I am very proud of him.

He is very protective of his mother because she has suffered physical, emotional and financial abuse over the last 45 years. Things have become worse recently though between her and FIL due to a falling out between her and dh's sister and dh is frightened and doesn't know what to do. He has other siblings who don't talk to mil so he really struggling.

Thing is - we have tried to persuade her to leave, have offered to have her with us (short term because neither of us could live with her long term as she is very controlling), have tried to get her to go to gp, counselling and womens aid. The situation at home is horrendous and dh is afraid to confront fil incase it makes things worse.

I don't know what else to suggest. I know she is impossible to talk to but she keeps phoning and texting dh and I about what is happening there but we can't get her to leave. Her own sisters have tried as well. FIL comes across far more together and pleasant than her but I have heard him scream and shout at dh when he tried to intervene so I know he is an abuser. He has been violent in the past - both mil and dh have told me this and still makes threats.

What the hell do we do? I have suggested calling the police but dh freaked out. I can see why. She doesn't seem ready to walk away and I could see that making things worse unless she herself calls them. She did one counselling session and didn't go back. I think she lives in fear and is so used to it she is too scared (and feels too old) to take that step.

Earlier in the thread you talked about trying to get MiL to talk more to you than him. Does she talk to you? How is your relationship with her? Can you talk to her (in a non-accusatory way) about the impact it is having on her son?

Thanks for the replies.

Hissy - I agree, he needs someone to talk to. Part of the problem is that both mil and bil have had counselling and have a habit of picking the bits from it that suit and ignoring the rest so he has no time for it. I have explained that he doesn't actually have to treat it the same way. I have explained that he needs to disengage but he is deep in FOG.

Abbie - I am going to suggest that, thank you.

Fare - I have been seeing her more than he has lately to try and give him a break. This was the first time in over a month that he saw her and it was just horrendous. Its like she saves it up for him - which means she really doesn't care about the impact. He phoned her yesterday evening just to see how her day was and got a 20 minute rant about his father.

This is a bloody disaster.

hmm.

I suspect that your MIL has developed extremely strong, even impenetrable, defenses to survive being with her husband. Because of that, the chances of getting through to her are very low indeed. It's terrible when people get so beaten down that they retreat into a sort of self-pity just to survive and then can't get out of it once circumstances change.

At a guess psycholocially she's going to carry on like this or even get worse.

Therapy, skilled therapy (there's some mediocre or even bad ones around :s ) would help your husband if you can get him to go. Especially if he can take the hard-to-hear things and face the unwelcome realisations that come with good therapy.

But the practical stuff is also essential. Is it possible to restrict the amount of time that you have contact? To gently encourage her to start going out and making contacts elsewhere (old people's clubs if she's a bit older, for example, or if she has any interests). To not let her come around too often, be busy a lot. Or make it so that you only visit there, not her to you. And calls only every couple of weeks, and fortify your husband.

it helps to think and predict how the course of calls will go and how it will make you (well, him) feel, and how to handle that. It can take the edge off the awful feelings. Sitting down and planning how to handle things seems to give a bit of emotional distance and a sort of crutch for going through the difficult event

He maybe ought to go to the doctor too because the mental strain is clearly unsupportable.

If all else fails could you consider actually moving away even. Extremely drastic, but from the sound of it possibly necessary.

He phoned her yesterday evening just to see how her day was and got a 20 minute rant about his father.

he needs to learn to STOP her.

Say, Mum, I love you, but I didn't ring you for this. I understand that you are angry etc, but I am not the person to talk to about this as I am too personally involved. Can you call WA? They are really good at this stuff.