Husband upset by son's rejection

[Clover]

My two-year-old son has always been closer to me than my husband but this seems to be getting worse. He refuses to hug his Daddy at bedtime and often wriggles to get out of Daddy's arms and into mine when he wants comforting. Last night when he wouldn't hug his Dad before bed, I said he didn't have to as I think forcing him will just make an issue of it. My husband was then cross with me for saying this although I said he didn't have to hug me either, which he did once I'd said that!
My husband doesn't actually do anything alone with my son except for sometimes around the house. He has not been to the park with him alone, never mind swimming or into town. I suggested the park on Saturday while I was trying to cook our tea but he said it looked like rain!! My son goes to nursery 3 days a week and mixes a lot with other children, so he is not clingy with me, just loving. Anyone else have a similar problem? Any solutions?

We have had this, and just shrugged it off. Our ds would sometimes favour one of us and would reject the other. However, it has been easy for us to shrug it off because we both spend time alone with our son as well as equal amounts together! Sunday mornings dh and ds go swimming together and then go and visit grandparents while I have a lie in and a bath. Saturday mornings if dh is working then ds and I will go for a walk or do something else together. Wednesday afternoon we go to the library.

We have arranged it so we share things the best we can - so dh will drop ds at childcare and I'll pick him up. If I bath ds then dh will put him to bed and vice versa.

I'd recommend that your dh spends some time alone with your son soon. Perhaps you could go out for the day, or even for half a day, then your dh and ds are forced to spend time together and ds can't come to you, making your dh feel rejected.

Is your husband actually afraid of spending time alone with your son? Toddlers can be difficult to relate to - perhaps he's worried what they would find to do together. Perhaps you could come up with some suggestions, or set them a task to do like go into town and pick up some milk.

They need to spend together alone and you can help them achieve that. Good luck. I'm sure its just a phase. Kids can be so funny about who they like from one day to the next!

I have had 2 boys and a girl and my dh is finding our dd the last straw of being rejected ........ however when I go out she is no problem with him .It is mainly when I am around and if my memory is correct the boys were much the same especially at 2 years as they find their voices and personalities. I do believe it is a phase they go through and giving them space to develope helps. There is definitly a difference in how you react to it tho ............. if my dh gets cross she rejects him more ...same with my ds (who is 4) but if jokes with her or tickles her or makes a game of it they usually find away to make up ( I find I have to walk away tho as I am a full time Mum instinct is to go in and sort out ).

Hi Clover, we had the same problem in our house a few weeks ago and I got some really helpful advice on the Parenting: Baby Cries with Daddy! thread.
I know how sad it can make a partner when your child starts insisting on the other half. We have found that by
a) dividing the evening and weekend routines up evenly
b) comparing notes on these routines and making sure one of us is not a softer touch than the other
c) ignoring the hurtful remarks - your response was the right one - rather than reacting to them

things have got a lot better lately.
It's a phase, a phase, a phase - but mothers seem to be able to cope with this better than dads IMO.

I have to add to this thread because my ds (10.5 months old) now really favours Daddy if both of us are home and only turns to me when he is tired or hungry. I feel a little resentful of this because I spend a lot more time with ds and therefore do not have the energy to play with him in the way dh does (also we are still waking every 2 hours at night, dh sleeps through as he is in another room, which doesn't help). It looks like already the roles are molding (sp? moulding?) themselves into Daddy the super entertainer and Mummy the responsibilities person, well and the sleepy comfy person which IS nice I know... Do you think it's because ds is a boy that he identifies so much with Daddy as play person, or that he realises that he sees a lot less of him so has to make up for it OR, horror of horrors, that dh is a much more magnetic and vibrant personality than I am???
I also feel a little resentful because I VERY rarely get a break from ds - I love him dearly but I think that a break every now and then would do wonders for my energy and "play" capacity. Dh works sometimes 6 days a week and never takes ds out on his own as he is "scared" of all the logistics involved - one of which being that it takes AGES to get ds to sit in either his buggy or carseat and all manner of techniques have to be used. Literally since his birth, I must have been away from ds a total of about 5 or 6 times for 2 hours at the most. Anyway, I have various beauty treatments booked on Tuesday and dh is going to babysit for about 3 hours so that's a start.
Do you think that kids can actually love one parent more than the other?
Anyway, of course he is free to prefer either one of us but wondering what other people think.
Eugeniaxx

My ds definitely prefers dh in the evenings - he sees me all day, so I guess he wants a change. It is upsetting, when they cry if you hug them, or run to Daddy, but if dh only sees him for an hour or two each day, I figure it has to be really good quality time. I really would recommend your dh spends some time alone with ds to do boys things - if you're not there, your ds will have to rely on Dad!

My dd is also turning against her father. She sees him every evening and weekend and he is really good with her, he will play with her, read her stories, take her for baths, etc. Yet each time he puts her on his knee, she is trying to get off to come to me. If she falls, she cries for me, and daddy won't do. She won't hold his hand, doesn't hug or kiss him as much as me, hardly cuddles him. Yet he is very affectionate with her. I know it upsets him and it upsets me too, he is trying so hard with her! I feel guilty at getting all this love from her. The other day she told me she loved me without any encouragement, it should have been wonderful, but dh overheard it and though he would never take that away from me, I just wished she could have said it to him too. She will come round won't she?

Our ds spends equal time with both of us, together and on our own, yet at the moment (ds aged 1.9) wants 'Mum Mum' all the time. I would love him to want 'Dad Dad'!! I'm sure as he gets older, it will be dad that's the favourite and we are just putting it down to a phase. Our friend's 2 year old has always spent most of the time with mummy, and is a real mummy's boy and often says he doesn't love daddy. Yet on a recent holiday, when mummy made a point of not always being around, he wanted daddy to play and they had a great time. Perhaps kids need individual time with their mum/dad without the other parent being there, especially when one parent sees the child more than the other.

My ds has always been rather closer to me than to my dh, but now he is 5 there are definitely things he wants to do with his dad and not me. Dd has always been more equally divided in her affections towards us; now (at nearly 3) she is a dab hand at turning to whichever of us hasn't just told her off and cold-shouldering the offending parent. Because of this we have had to make sure that we take the same line on everything and communicate on all matters concerning discipline etc.

My DS is a realy 'Daddy's boy' and, quite honestly, that suits me! I am sure it is because he is with me all day, doing all the routine & boring things & then has a great time with dad at the weekends (DH works long hours so rarely sees him in the week) - they go swimming, on outings etc & this w/e the two of them went away leaving me ALONE - wonderful!! I am sure the important thing is to try as hard as possible to ensure that children have time alone with dad (great for mums too!!) - but not so easy if the dad is not keen!