Confused - sorry, long.

[confusedanon]

I need some advice - I have lurked on this board for months now and have seen some excellent advice given to people in a similar situation to me, but I need help as to what to do next.

I've been married 11yrs, 2 children aged 9y and 6y. For 11yrs I have been unhappy, but things have got worse and worse. I can finally admit to myself and everyone else that I am being emotionally abused, as are my children. Up until 4 months ago, I did what I could for an easy life. I always used to say however, that if he was physically violent towards me, that would be it. But, he never has been. He has been rough with the children - but the emotional abuse towards them has been worse. He has sat them down on numerous occasions and told them 'this is your fault (the two of them and me)'. He has isolated us from seeing my family.

Things are coming to a head. 2 weeks ago he got frustrated with me for not making an effort with our relationship (I have been silent, because he doesn't listen so there doesn't seem to be any point in talking, unless it is to agree with him that he is right and/or that I am wrong). He then, at 1am, broke one of the railings on our bannister. I got the blame for that too, 'at least I take my frustrations out on something. I can fix the bannister, can you fix our family?'

Last weekend he rang my sister and told her not to visit (as planned) - she has always been aware of how he has treated the children (from what she has observed - he thinks it is nothing wrong, just his parenting) but I have now told her everything. This weekend he stopped us all going to visit my brother/mum. When I tried to raise the point that I wanted to go, he said, in front of the children, no, I need to value the 4 of us before everyone else.

This last week he has spent following me around the house at bedtime so I can't be with the children on my own. When my son asked if we could go and sit upstairs on his bed together for 5 mins before bed he said that he thought I was being rather manipulative.

Today my sister rang to talk to them - he didn't let my son talk to her on his own - son was v quiet on the phone (he was upset as his dad had just been going through his school report and focusing on the negatives rather than the positives) and she asked whether he wanted to go somewhere else and talk to her. When he went with the phone upstairs he got pulled back down. I took the phone and said we would ring her back.

He then proceeded to tell me and the children that she was trying to find out too much information about what was going on in the house and she was not our family. Later, he took them both separately and said that she (she has got a legal background) was trying to find out information about the family so she could tell the police and put him in prison.

So - I am confused because the children, despite all this, love him, and when he is good with them, love being with him. When I end this, he is going to be vindictive and manipulative.

I have sought legal advice because I am a f/t working mum - he was made redundant 4 yrs ago and has set up his own (failing) business so has been SAHD by default. I have supported him and the family and he thinks he is too good to get a part-time job working at minimum wage. He has never had a good work ethic.

He controls all of his family too. His sister spoke to me about all of this 4 months ago - it finally gave me permission to accept the truth. However, since then, he has told me that he has 'told her off' for talking out of place, and when we met up after that, she didn't mention a thing.

I am frightened that he will try and take the children from me.

Work are great and are letting me change to school hours. I was hoping to wait until that was securely in place for a few weeks before ending it. I don't know if I can wait any longer.

I haven't logged the bannister incident with the police, WA or the GP yet. I have either been really busy at work, or with him all the time.

How desperately should I do that? Who should be around when I tell him? I don't want to make a scene in front of the children, and I want to make it as pain free for them as possible. I would love to be able to sit down with them and just say, 'M&D don't love each other anymore so we are separating', but I know that he won't do that.

I am planning on telling school after half-term.

Please help.

Does your solicitor specialise in domestic abuse?

Have you spoken to Women's Aid?

Are there opportunities while your husband is out of the house for you to leave with the children? Can you stay with family?

I think you have to move fast. He seems to know what you are up to and he will be doing all he can to stop you from leaving.

I think you can record personal calls as long as one person who is having the conversation knows, ie you knew. However I found this:

Can I record telephone conversations on my home phone?

Yes. The relevant law, RIPA, does not prohibit individuals from recording their
own communications provided that the recording is for their own use.
Recording or monitoring are only prohibited where some of the contents of
the communication - which can be a phone conversation or an e-mail - are
made available to a third party, i.e. someone who was neither the caller or
sender nor the intended recipient of the original communication.
Do I have to let people know that I intend to record their telephone
conversations with me?
No, provided you are not intending to make the contents of the
communication available to a third party. If you are you will need the consent
of the person you are recording.

So it looks like you were on the wrong side of the law by sharing with your friend. Get them to delete the email or whatever, as your DH wishes. The upside of this is he then has no proof unless you've acknowledged it to him by text or email.

When you leave him let your work know the situation and warn them to expect malicious communications from him.

My solicitor specialises in family law.

I have done more reading and realised the same -that sharing it with a 3rd party means it is against the law - but as it was done as a form of protection I do not think I will have issues with work. I will talk to them anyway.

Have you made sure that he can't find your posts on here? Do you log off etc?

I don't want to overly worry you but the time around leaving someone can be a very dangerous time.

Have you got an exit plan? I understand that in situations like this leaving without telling them first is best but again I'd advise speaking to Women's Aid, especially with the new developments where he is sussing out your plans and snooping etc.

Also specialising in Family Law is not the same as specialising in domestic abuse family law. I got some bloody awful advice from a (admittedly very newly qualified) family lawyer. they might know the law bit, they don't necessarily know the 'escaping an abusive relationship' bit so well.

Anyway, I'm not saying you should go to a different lawyer as long as you are happy with your current one. But I would make sure to call Women's Aid too about the getting away bit.

Call WA today.