Would you warn her?

[FinallyCanHearMyselfThink]

My STBXH is seeing a woman with children, and he has told her our separation was amicable. I actually kicked him out because of emotional and physical abuse directed at our DCs and myself. He says it every time he visits the DCs (supervised contact only), talking about how "amicable" we are being, when actually it's just me walking on egg shells trying to get the visit over and done with, as I've had to make him leave early quite a few times due to aggressive and nasty behaviour.

He claims they have only been seeing each other for a few weeks (although I suspect it has been much longer), but that they are going to move in together. He hasn't even told his family the truth about why we separated, so they wouldn't be able to tell her.

I'm torn. He would know exactly who it came from (I know her name and could message her on FB). And honestly, if I told her and she disregarded it, I wouldn't be offended, as obviously it's her choice. But I would hate to see someone else get put through what we did.

Would you warn her? Or just stay out of it? I don't want to look like the jealous ex here, as the main reason I'm concerned is because she has a number of children, and it was our children that the most aggressive behaviour was aimed at. Then of course I'm worried about the obvious shit storm that will come down on me if he finds out I've told her. That will not be pretty.

if he is only allowed supervised access with his own children, phone ss to warn that he is involved with another family.

Social services are a very good option.

In other circumstances, and only if you felt safe, I would warn the new person briefly, in as low key and neutral a way as possible. Something like, he is not what he seems, the split was not amicable, take care - then say absolutely nothing more. A short statement like this could not be mistaken for the rantings of a mad and jealous ex.

I don't think fear of looking bad should stop a warning, if you genuinely feel moved to offer one. Only safety reasons. The new person would probably be wary of you no matter what you do or say.

I'd have to say something. Even if she doesn't believe you, thinks you're just jealous or tells you to fuck off, at least you know you've put a seed of suspicion in her head. She will remember what you've said and recognise it faster than if you'd said nothing.

SS sounds like a good way to go too and it won't look like it's came from you if he only has supervised access to his own kids.
Do whatever it is you feel comfortable with.

I would want to know personally. Having been in abusive relationships I would take a warning from an ex seriously.

As said, you will have planted a seed at least.

I agree with cog. Most cases of abuse and neglect involve a womans partner who is not the father. Tell SS and tell her. It will plant the seed in her head and make her more careful even if she gives you an earful. I would definitely want to know.

I suggest some kind of third party giving her the heads up. Could be SS or simply another person in the loop.

She won't be happy but it will make her alert to early signs. Yes, safeguarding is everyone's responsibility.

Keep quiet, I doubt she would believe you anyway (people often only hear what they want to hear, and can get pretty nasty if its not what they want to hear). If you are really worried about his behaviour then do you have any mutual friends who could warn her? That way you haven't actually said anything. But as things stand they are both adults and I think it could seriously back fire on you despite your good intentions. I'd leave well alone.

I'm going to tell SS and let them follow it up. That way it isn't coming directly from me and hopefully there will be less backlash against me from him. I don't want to do nothing, as I know if it were me, I'd want to know.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 22-Feb-14 16:36:03

*Nine times out of ten, when some poor baby is in the newspapers because it's been battered to death in the home, it's rarely the birth father that's done it. Usually it's the vicious new boyfriend.

This is everyone's problem*

I agree 100% with Cognito.

I have never been in your situation but I HAVE contacted SS to protect 2 very small children. I make no apology to the Dad - it had to be done. Whilst he won't speak to me (nor I him), the Mum thanked me as she now has additional support and we still get on well.

I couldn't ignore what I heard and saw and, therefore KNEW.

You KNOW from experience .......

I would want someone to tell me if the bloke my kids and I were moving in with hit and swore at his biological kids! Imagine how he will be with step kids!! Oh those poor kids, life is really going to be awful for them.
Personally op if he's having supervised contact then surely there's no smoke without fire so she may listen to you. If not tell ss so they can investigate and hopefully someone will think of the children.

cognito is spot on. You are 100% doing the right thing by protecting innocent children from potential anise but it is fundamental you protect you and yours at the same time.

If SS don't follow it up and you have concerns you could go via the NSPCC.

Well done OP. 'The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing'. You're doing the right thing.

It's a lot easier for her to dump him before your ex moves in.. but if they have been together a while, I cant help but think she'd probably seen some of his behaviour already and is ignoring it?

I like the calling ss idea, also just getting some feed back on what you should do

I agree with cogito and frogslegs Frogslegs' wording is good, you could consider adding that you keep quiet in order to stop anything kicking off; that might or might not be a good extra bit to put in.

Warn her. Her children are defenseless.

Even if she ignores you for now, she'll unconsciously be warned for the first time he starts to be violent / abusive towards her children. She may think of you as the bitter ex for now, but she'll be forewarned.

Well done for telling SS.