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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

lost and confused

8 replies

muggins · 10/03/2004 14:51

My dp is making me really sad. I don't know what the answer is. There are loads of small issues that we end up rowing about at times but the biggy is sex. The mood in the house and the treatment myself and the kids get from him is all dependent on whether he has had any sex/fondling and i can't stand it any longer.
The pattern is always the same, we have sex and for about a week after he behaves like a normal, nice person but any longer and he's awful. Shouting at me for basically nothing, doesn't want to go anywhere etc etc. He says that if i don't want sex (which i often don't, v low sex drive ) then i should pleasure him in other ways but i don't want to because i feel blackmailed into it, he reckons it's his right so it's a viscious circle and it's making me really sad. The other thing he has said to me is that he's not happy spending all weekend every weekend with us, he wants to go to the pub with his mates some afternoons. I always say no way, that he can go at night when the kids are in bed because i don't want to do all the childcare at weekends as well as in the week. When my youngest son was a baby he was in the pub every sunday for hours and hours and eventually i told him he had to stop or that was it for us because he can't just go for a couple of pints it's a big session. Am i being unreasonable? I think he regrets getting tied down and if we had no children i don't think we'd be together. Sorry for the moaning but i have noone else to talk to.

OP posts:
nutcracker · 10/03/2004 14:57

Sorry you are feeling so bad Muggins.

My dp acts in exactly the same way, regarding the sex anyway. He will also be nice, for a while after but then he's back to his grumpy, selfish self. I too have v.low sex drive, but refuse to be pressured in to it, and have told him so. The more he moans the less likely he is to get any.

I don't have the same problem regarding him going out though. He never goes out. I think you are in the right though saying for him to go out week nights when kids are in bed.
Either that or could you take it in turns, with him going out one weekend and you the next ??? HTH

muggins · 10/03/2004 15:08

thanks for replying nutcracker, feel better knowing someone is listening to me. How do you make yourself feel like doing it with him when he's moaned and complained when you haven't? For me it's all completely put me off and i'd be happy never to do it again! He turns into the nastiest ba**d ever! Feels like emotional blackmail doesn't it, I'll only be nice if we are having sex a few times a week. Might be a sound arrangement for some but makes me not want him anywhere near.
I have slept with him in the past, really not wanting to as it all felt very pressured but thinking of my children,not wanting them to have to live in a sh**t atmosphere or even a one parent family (he's threatened to throw me out before now). Now hows that for having sex for the wrong reasons!!

OP posts:
nutcracker · 10/03/2004 15:12

Blimey Muggins, thats awful. Dp is always on about it but, i just can't make myself do what i don't want to do. I have done it before when i haven't wanted to but never again.
This may sound silly, but do you still want to be with him. If you didn't have kids would you leave ?????

muggins · 10/03/2004 15:12

Nutcracker, just read your other post about the trouble you have had with that woman. Sorry to hear you are having a bad time too.

p.s i'm a regular but had to change my name

OP posts:
muggins · 10/03/2004 15:16

I think i would leave. We are too different. I am not the person i was when we mwt but i was really young then and have grown up. When we first met i was sooo naive and went along with whatever he wanted, i liked the fact that he was a bit of rough! He still is rougher than me and he now thinks i'm a snob and too goody goody for him. He has changed alot but obviously not enough. He is the most fantastic father and a real hardworker though, i just wish we were more compatible

OP posts:
Evita · 10/03/2004 17:01

Dp is the same about sex, i.e. it makes his mood SO much better that I kind of think it's almost like a medicine. Although I'm deeply ashamed to say this and he would be mortified if he knew, I do often go along with it just to make life a bit happier. It's not because I don't fancy him any more it's jsut because I'm doing so much looking after dd and having no time to myself that I feel I don't have anything left to give. I give so much love and affection to her and feel depleted. But I do know that in the end I want to be with him and that at some point I'll have more 'me' time and so I feel v. conscious of trying to keep our relationship on an even keel.

percy · 10/03/2004 17:12

muggins
dh and i had a long phase like this a while ago - it is so true that when someone pressures you then the desire goes because it becomes a chore. interstingly, our sex life is now the best it has ever been. i'm not sure what changed which i'm sure is no bloody help to you at all. i think if you can make him understand that if he pressures you his chances become nil, he may stop. his stopping may make your desire return IYKWIM.
bit graphic here also, but perhaps you could get involved in a very minor way to ease the pressure, ie. he could sort himself out while perhaps you spoke about fantasies etc to turn him on and make you feel in some way involved? (runs away embarressed now)

Evita · 10/03/2004 21:18

'sort himself out'?

percy, I do like these shy ways people talk about sexual things!

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