Found poppers!

[Poppersincupboard]

This is a serious post, but I've n'chd as DH and others know my regular nickname.

I found poppers in DH's clothes cupboard months ago. I know he used them in the past (in last marriage), and I also discovered that he used to say that he used them, in adverts looking for no strings gay sex.

I confronted him, he denied he wanted, or intended, to use them, and only got them as he was 'curious' as to their availability He made me watch him throw them away.

So today, whilst he is out (I know where he is & he is in public, so no chance of him being up to anything), curiousity got the better of me, and I decided to check again.

There are several tiny little bottles in his cupboards. Some with just a liquid, some with a liquid and two little round tablet looking things.

In his bedside drawer there is also a bottle of Eagle and Iron Horse.

Google confirms these are poppers.

I don't know what to make of it. Our sex life is crap (originally because he could never 'come' with me, then the repeated feelings of not being good enough/desirable, got the better of me, and I just don't want to anymore).

There is also the knowledge that he used to look for gay/bi sex behind his first wife's back (though denies he did anything).

So I'm confused. He never gets the opportunity to get up to anything, but how could he use poppers alone? I am quite naive in all this.

How did you find out he used to cruise for gay sex? Did he tell you?

I'm really sorry but it's so clear he's having sex with other people. I know how painful that is for you to hear, but you are really better knowing.

Op since you have been having sex with him and it looks like he may well be having sex with someone else ( if he's been abroad with them). You seriously need to get a sti check. And maybe star to work out where you stand and. What you want to happen before you confront him.

OP I feel so sorry for you. To live with that rejection must have really knocked your self esteem.

I hope that once you have got over the initial shock you will see that this is totally his issue and nothing to do with how desirable you are.

He is clearly gay. Straight men do not advertise "looking for no strings gay sex."

I am assuming you have no DC? Please get checked out for STIs and think about how much more fulfilling your life could be away from this man. It really isn't fair for him to use you like this.

Another one here who thinks you should get an STI check. Sorry.

So sorry op but I think your dh is leading a double life & is being a total dick head.. Sounds like you have lots in the past to try to be sexually compatable, when he has been less than honest with you.

You deserve better

Hampton - I do agree that it sounds like he is playing away, but lets not forget that it is possible to be bisexual.

The man sounds a twat, though, whatever his sexuality.

He's gay Op. He's using you as a beard. I'm sorry.

The reason I think he is gay is that, put simply, bisexual people enjoy sex with either gender. This man does not appear to enjoy or even be able to manage to have sex with the woman he has married. OP says their sex life is crap as he has never been able to come with her.

It is just an educated guess though of course.

Yeah, I think you are right actually.

It was just the 'he must be gay because straight men don't look for gay sex' that bothered me, sorry.

OP, I think your suspicions are correct. It sounds like your DH is gay. The slut comment presumably discouraged you form taking the initiative with him again.
The thing is, it sounds like he's gay, it sounds like he's trying to suppress it, he may find that difficult BUT the point is YOU deserve better.

You deserve honesty from a man you married. You deserve to choose your relationships based on the facts. While you are with him you are limited, your confidence is being eroded, and all the while you could be happily single, happily in a casual relationship, or happily with someone else and maybe in the future having DC etc if that is what you want.

Even if he says he's not sleeping with anyone else (why would you believe him?) he has still betrayed you.

Some of my gay friends use poppers, yes, as a muscle relaxant. Many of them use Grindr (app to find other men available for sex) and have told me that they have met with gay guys who turned out to be married to women.

It's time for you to think about yourself, if you have a good trusted friend to confide in call them, or your parents, siblings, aunt? People may be a lot less shocked than you would think.
If you don't feel you have anyone at the moment keep posting here.

Thank you all.

We do have DC, I conceived DD1 very quickly after we met, DD2 was conceived during one of the rare times he did come. She died.

I found out that he looked for gay sex, by searching google for a nickname he uses on different forums (he wasn't imaginative to use different ones).

I found him asking on Google groups for men to come around when his first wife was at work. He also had a profile on a few gay sites, such as Gaydar, and even had one after he divorced, so very shortly before we met.

I confronted him over it, and he denied all knowledge, till I showed him the proof, then he refused to talk about it, saying he was mad. Ever wince then the sex just died.

Is he into clubbing? It might explain the poppers and the pills? In fact it's the only hetro reason I can come up with for them.

When clubbing its common to take pills and use poppers, even in a hetro (but hardcore) club. I used to be a clubber, I used to frequent a lot of gay clubs and yes there are married men looking for casual encounters.

Before you talk to him about this (and you know that you have to) have a serious think about how you would feel if he is gay. About how you want to continue your life.

Some gay men don't want to be gay, I have a gay friend who wanted a relationship with me as he loves me and felt it might be a way not be gay anymore. It's complex. To you it's unfair, it is unfair on you. Get a trusted friend close to you right now.

I have just seen your latest update. I think that he is gay. It's time for him to be honest with you.

"Things are great between us in every other way since the sex has disappeared."

This isn't true if when you try to talk about difficult things he gets very angry and you're now scared to bring things up.

Calling you a slut was awful, absolutely awful.

What you seem to be saying is "he treats me well/reasonably when I do things his way" - ie ignore the sex problem and his blatant lies.

I think the issue is not his sexuality here. It is that he is behaving abusively towards you.

His repression of his sexuality may be the underlying reason but he is choosing to express this by emotionally abusing and controlling you (not giving you the right information so you can make a real choice about the relationship because he wants to protect himself).

Most abusers have an underlying reason; childhood trauma/abuse, desire to repress sexuality, anxiety etc but it is never ever ok to abuse someone else to try and alleviate the effects of those things.

Bisexual doesn't mean promiscuous or irresponsible sexually. Being abusive may. I always think though if you suspect a partner may have cheated get an STI test to be sure you are ok.

I almost pity him for not feeling like he can be true to himself. Almost.

He's gay.

Does he have a 'publicly respected' job that might be preventing him coming out?
The guys I knew who were married and gay were policemen and firemen. They both dumped their wives on retirement. Done thing to look forward it huh?

So sorry to hear about your DD :(

Unfortunately he's a few steps ahead of you here OP, and taking the piss a bit really isn't he? It's obvious he's got another agenda, whether that means fully gay or not. You know it's over don't you? If you get on great in other ways, I suggest you split now and try and keep things amicable.

Honestly,I think your fella might be bi-curious.But don't be worried about a few bottles of poppers.Im straight and have sniffed them during sex/masturbation to get me or my partner to the next level.they're used worldwide and basically just give you a short high/little pleasure boost.if you're up for it,try to have a night together and let him know that you want to try it with him.sometimes people may get bored of having the same partner,however horrible that sounds,but it's usually a case of getting to know how to get to know each other again sexually.this is where poppers can help,trust me.

I think someone who continuously changes his story about who he is, sexually, and who has some history of lying to his partner or himself is not the safest person to be around, healthwise and he is hurting you emotionally too.

I feel a bit sorry for him that he sounds so confused and ashamed but he's being an arse getting you, the kids and his ex mixed up in his mess.

Steve - I think this is way beyond bored! I agree with other posters OP - I think he is gay. So sorry about your DD btw.

You alright op?

I'm with Suicidal I think he is as gay as a yellow duster.

I am also with other posters that say his sexuality is almost irrelevant as he is abusing you and that needs to be addressed but his sexuality is important in addressing it IYSWIM. Could you get to have a frank discussion with his ExW? She might hold a lot of answers. he's hiding somethingbut you may well be astonished at the extent of it.