How do you say enough is enough? - I have so much to lose

[mousebacon]

Hello,

I'm married to a very angry man. He has a very short temper and we operate on a cycle of niceness then nastiness.

It's been going on for years really but we have good patches and bad patches. I have resolved to stay and put up with him but it is becoming increasingly difficult.

The main reasons I stay are control over our two boys (I don't mean that in a negative way but I don't trust him with them), the possibility of him having more children, my pension, my house.

I've started to keep a diary of his outbursts. He is definitely emotionally abusive, he gaslights and will scream and shout at me until I leave - I stopped crying a long time ago.

I'm not even sure why I'm posting but I'm currently sitting in my bedroom after his latest outburst (which is my fault obviously) and I have no one to talk to.

Oh mouse, I haven't any wise words, but just wanted to hand hold and bump hopefully until somebody more knowledgeable comes along. Do you find writing down helps you process the situation? Is it all kept somewhere safe so he doesn't find it?

I'm sorry not to be able to impart much useful stuff but your situation just sounds awful. think you are wise to be keeping a diary of everything. hopefully someone more helpful will post soon

Thanks YouLove It certainly helps to write it down, he won't find it. It helps me know that I'm not going mad when he tries to rewrite history about what was/wasn't said.

Tonight, I tried to leave, just for some space between us, got to the car but then thought why the he'll should I go? It's a good job I went back because DS2 was crying, DH was ignoring and when I went downstairs after settling him, DH said 'don't you fucking dare bring him down here, if you get him up he can stay up there with you.'

He then point blank denied he had sworn. TBH his 'memory' the least of my worries.

Be very careful re the diary. Your safety is of paramount importance.

Mr "Angry" is probably only angry at you and is probably all sweetness and light to those in the outside world or at least quite plausible to same. He is abusive and such abusers operate on a nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is a continuous cycle.

I would suggest you talk to Womens Aid when it is safe for you to do so to get further advice and support. 0808 2000 247 is their number.

This is clearly no healthy environment for your boys to be brought up in as they could well learn from their dad that this is indeed how you treat a woman in a relationship. You really do not want them learning such a damaging legacy from their dad.

What do you think they are learning about relationships here?. Is this really what you also want to teach them?.

You can get this man out of your life. You state your house; is it yours alone?. You also need decent legal advice re the practicalities of separation because this person is not going to let go of you at all easily.

Thanks Attila

Sadly, no, the house is in joint names. I would hope to stay here if we were to split but I think he'd make everything as difficult as possible.

This is also why you need to speak to both Womens Aid and a Solicitor (whom they may also be able to recommend to you).

Do talk to them asap and when it is safe for you to do so. All calls to them are confidential.

Thank you

I sympathise so much with you. I hardly post here just lurk but I'm in totally the same situation. I live within a complete cycle of husband's niceness then nastiness. I too have resolved to stay, we have two boys, house in joint names, too difficult to split but not a day goes by that I don't think about it, not a day goes by that I don't regret regret marrying him. Sometimes the regret is so intense I can actually taste it. We've been married ten years. Just like yours my husband was having a nasty day today. Supposed tone a nice half term outing at the cinema, he ended up swearing at our boys, calling one of them stupid. Of course it's all my fault. I'm upstairs on my own now feeling wretched, He's downstairs drinking beer, watching rugby, no doubt thinking what a shit wife I am, how I wind him up etc ...

God Brenda I think we're living parallel lives. Married ten years here too. I just don't see us staying together anymore but I'm so afraid of being a single mum.

Sometimes DH works shifts and I love it when he's not here.

I get exactly what you mean when you're relieved he works shifts, mine works at weekends sometimes and often it's a relief, things ate so much more relaxed when just me and boys. It's fine when husband having a good day but when he's on one of his nasty ones there's a thunder cloud over everything. I feel tense, like I'm living on a knife edge. I'm not afraid of being a single mum but I'm afraid that if we split I would be forced to sell the house. I just cannot face putting my ds's through it. I would feel so guilty putting them through all that upheaval just because I made such a rubbish choice when choosing a husband. He's sweetness and light to everyone else. Not a day goes by that I don't curse my stupidity. I saw red flags yet like so many chose to ignore.

Brenda

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

There is no insurmountable obstacle to splitting. You are certainly afraid of him but no person is above the law of the land here, including him. Better to be alone than to be badly accompanied. There is certainly nothing wrong in being a single mother. You can live without walking on eggshells and living in fear of him and his next outbursts. None of my friends who have been abused by their menfolk have ever regretted for a minute leaving their abuser behind and living free of abuse within the home. Infact their only regret is actually not leaving sooner.

Seek help from Womens Aid asap; they can and will help you leave this abusive situation.

This is no life for you and your children and staying within this will only make you and them more miserable. It will damage them into adulthood if you were to stay. This is not the legacy you want to be leaving your most precious resource - your children. Would you want them to repeat with their ladies the same crap that is being doled out to you now?. By staying currently you are showing your sons that on some level this abusive treatment of you is acceptable.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not.

I would suggest that longer term you and the OP mousebacon enrol yourselves onto Womens Aid's Freedom Programme as this is for women who have been in abusive relationships. Such men can and do take years in fact to recover from.

"I'm afraid that if we split I would be forced to sell the house. I just cannot face putting my ds's through it. I would feel so guilty putting them through all that upheaval just because I made such a rubbish choice when choosing a husband. He's sweetness and light to everyone else. Not a day goes by that I don't curse my stupidity. I saw red flags yet like so many chose to ignore".

My friend did the same and ignored the flags.

My friend however, sold her house and now has a much happier existence post leaving her abusive man. I can see her coming back to life after years of having her spirit being crushed. She had to be the one to make the decision to leave; I could only as her friend listen to her, talk about what was happening at home (he controlled her every bloody move) and encourage her to look outwards. Her life as well as her DDs is a lot bloody happier; her daughter was also being damaged by her Dad too emotionally because her dad also used her to get back at her mother as "punishment".

A house is but bricks and mortar. It should be a sanctuary for your children; your house is anything but that due to your H's abusive behaviour towards you.

He is not all powerful and is not above the law of the land!!. Never forget that fact!. You are not powerless either although you are very fearful of him and what he could well do.

Any shame or embarrassment you feel at making a bad choice is all his and not yours to carry. Abusers like this man do abuse very gradually and so is either not noticed or minimised. You now however, do not have to prolong the error of judgment by staying within this. It will do you and your children no good whatsoever to stay within this and he will crush you all. It will also affect your children long after they have reached adulthood because it will also affect their choices in how relationships are conducted. They also won't thank you for remaining with such an individual if you were to choose to.

Do call Womens Aid; they can and will help you here. 0808 2000 247.

There is much to gain from leaving such abusive people as well.

Attila-thank you. I know that all you say is true. It helps very much seeing it in black and white and hearing it from someone else. I have no one in real life I can talk about this with.

I can't shake the feeling though, that the boys are better off with us together, because if he had them without me there then there's no one in their corner, so to speak.

He's very critical and can be very shouty and sometimes it does take me stepping in to calm things down. How much damage could he do unsupervised?

But, as it is, the boys have no sanctuary. They've no choice but to be in the house with you and their angry father - and watch you be damaged by him. You can't always be there for them even if you all live together.

If you lived apart from your husband, they'd have a safe home to live in - yours.

When it comes to contact arrangements, post separation, these are meant to be for the benefit of the children. What happens if it's not, I'm not qualified to say, but children don't just have to suffer at the hands of an abusive parent - I believe that's where cafcass come in.

Do have a word with Women's Aid, as Attila suggested. They can help you understand your options, and decide how best to proceed.

At the risk of being shot down in flames or boiled in oil here.........and of course emotional abuse should never be tolerated and it is never ever good to raise children in that atmosphere because you are bringing them up to think that is normal and probably to repeat the pattern ......... But exactly because of that, can I just ask - does he recognise his behaviour and the damage it causes? I only ask because of a friends experience. Her husband was bought up in a household of simmering anger from one parent 'managed' by the other. And guess what, he repeated the pattern but because his wife 'managed' his anger - defused, kept out of the way, pacified until he was calm, he genuinely believed that this was normal and just what couples did. He would often say sorry - sometimes not even that - because he saw it as no big deal. She ended up keeping a diary for a couple of months - logging what ' set it off' (minutiae usually) and writing down the hurtful comments said to her and the children, and actually secretly recording him in full rant on her phone. He was genuinely surprised that she was upset, believing that words said in anger don't count ("but you know I don't mean it!") and really thought that his wife was able to ignore/forgive/water of ducks back the angry bit. She then explained, with the help of relate councillor, exactly how it did make her feel. As did the kids. He found it hard to understand but did accept that how she felt was what was important rather than how he felt she should feel - if that makes sense. Tough times but he sorted it through counselling / anger management etc.
Anyway, just a thought?
Neither of you ladies should be taking this abuse - with sounding cliched - life really is simply too precious and too short to live with the regrets you WILL have if you waste years being unhappy. You can't get those years back. And neither can your children.

I would suggest that you contact a solicitor familiar with DV cases (possibly via Womens Aid 0808 2000 247) and pursue a separation whilst at the same time making your DCs' safety top priority. If you believe that he would harm your children if they were left in his care then you can petition for supervised contact only. Your diaries are the start of a case but it would be strengthened if there was police or GP involvement. Sadly, your DCs are already being harmed by living with him and by watching you being bullied.

Your boys are being taught by their father how to behave in a relationship . Do you want them to grow up thinking this is normal? because that is what they are learning . Far more damaging than going through a breakup .

I have very little advice but, as someone who has had to move house(&country) frequently, with two small children, the "disruption" is nothing compared to living in the atmosphere your boys will be processing daily. I grew up in such a house, when my parents eventually split, my god, the relief! We had very little money as a result but I was so happy to be free of that feeling (a mix of eggshell-walking and subsequent appeasement) that I can still remember it. Please do not underestimate either yourself or the half-measure your children are currently experiencing. I salute my mum for leaving my dad and in fact he was forced to grow up as a result as well. Good luck and stay safe.

It may well be worth keeping a diary and recording him and going to counselling. Then see how he reacts.
If he takes notice of your feelings or he continues with his behaviour.

But, if you split and because there is no one there to take responsibility from him he will have to step up. He doesn't sound like someone who will want the children for long and you could stop contact or have supervised contact if he is abusive.

But, again, they would have a safe heaven and you'd be showing them what we should do to abusers.

So sorry you are going through this Mouse. I grew up in a household like yours. I understand what Effic is saying however, in my experience both personally and professionally, he knows exactly how his behaviour impacts on you and CHOOSES to continue. If you stay, the abuse will continue and most often gets even worse so you have to decide if you can live like this. When my mother eventually left, the move was hard, as was the financial aspect where we had less money, but it paled in comparison to the relief myself and my brother felt at not having to live on eggshells anymore, and not having to feel like we were inadequate and failures and disappointments to him. I just wish she'd been able to leave earlier because it would have reduced the longer term impact on us if she had. But I get why she couldn't and I am so proud of her that eventually she did. Children only benefit from both their parents living together if the home is free from abuse. They see, hear and feel how he treats you. Also, his reaction to your DS crying shows that his abusive intolerance of others extends to them as well. I have to assume that in addition to witnessing his treatment of you, it's also directed at them. I hope you can find some strength in having posted here and that it helps you to see that feeling trapped is how the abuse operates. If you can't leave for yourself, leave to show the DCs what is acceptable behaviour and what isn't, and what feeling free from being controlled by the moods of others, feels like.

I know this is an old thread, mouse , but I lurked on this one and have been worrying about you.
I saw you pop up on another thread and am just hoping you are OK