We've broke up but have to live together for the next 6 months.

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

Previous thread here

Briefly, my DP and I have been working on our relationship after I found out that he had been on dating sites, had a fake facebook profile, had a sexting relationship with a woman for (I'm pretty sure) all of our relationship and had issues surrounding his use of porn in lieu of a healthy sex life. I found all this out when our DS was 3 weeks, he is now 8 months.

The other night my DP stopped sex to have a wank over images of women. (More on this in the above thread).

We've had the chat tonight. I told him I meant it and I wanted us to split up, having almost come close a few times over the past 7 months.

We have agreed to try and spend as much time as possible apart and take turns spending time with our Son.

We have a joint tenancy, neither of us can afford to leave as of yet and neither of us has anywhere to stay in the mean time. We are expected to receive a large sum of money in roughly 3-6 months time, which we will use to go our separate ways.

I don't know how I am supposed to do this. How do I try and get over what has happened when I still have to see him everyday? I'm so disappointed that my DS is going to have separated parents, I didn't want that for my baby. It was my biggest hope that I would have a stable family home for my children.

I'm terrified of what the future holds for me and my DS. I don't even know if I can afford to live on my own.

I'm so sad. I love him to pieces but I just can't keep feeling so humilated. How am I supposed to get over the father of my child? The man I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with?

How the fuck do I do this?

Logg1e - by and large we have a good relationship, he has a great relationship with our Son and is a great dad, we laugh together and have fun with each other. We have problems, yes, but are specifically surrounding our sex life, his use of porn and communicating with other women in order to satisfy himself.

This doesn't mean we are constantly arguing or walking on egg shells around each other.

And if my posts have come across like there is some abuse going on in my relationship then I'm shocked, that was in no way my intention as it just isn't the case.

Set aside the issues surrounding sex and we have a good relationship.

If theres really no alternative, use this time to plan out the next part of your life, tying up loose ends of your life together and starting up the next phase. (Severing joint accounts, opening one in your name only sort of thing.) Perhaps start up some new hobbies, or join some groups so that when he leaves you already have stuff in place to do. Treat him as you would a colleague at work, with respect and dignity. Sort out any differences and chat while you still have the opportunity with a view to closure - make sure he knows its an ending , its not a come on to start the relationship again. And then when its time for him to go, firmly shut the door behind him. No - dont ever sleep with him!.

I too believe Offred has been unfairly treated. I found her comments balanced whilst ola the lawyer was scathing from the start.

I wish you all the best. However from reading your previous thread, there does seem to be some emotional abuse. I know you say it is only surrounding your sex life but being treated in the way you describe has a huge effect on you as a person. You say it is destroying your confidence in some way - his behaviour has been cruel and insensitive and he has ignored your needs, putting his own first. Him masturbating nearby over some dirty pics from a women when your baby was 3 weeks old? That was when you were at your most vulnerable and he still couldn't out you first. That's really sad, sorry you had to go through that.

I completely understand why Offred thought there might be emotional abuse after reading your previous thread.

I really hope you will be ok.

'Still couldn't put you first'

The OP is attacking Offred because she wants to leap to her DP's defence. The tone of her later posts has markedly changed and she now seems to think her DP is a tragic figure who needs saving. It's for this reason that I think living together will be very unhealthy. I'll be amazed if she doesn't backslide and they manage to live together as seperated people.

I agree with you ALittleStranger and that was the point I was trying to make about the change in posts.

Thank you wolves

ALittleStranger - I do feel like he needs help, I wouldn't go as far as 'saving'. I can see he is flawed and the reasons why, is it so bad of me to want him to try and sort his issues, to see if our relationship can be salvaged?

I apologise if I come across like I am attacking people, especially Offred. I would absolutely not categorise my relationship as one involving abuse, definitely not. Which is maybe why it raised my hackles.

I'm confused, sad and hurting. Veering from one feeling to another.

We do have a good relationship other than what I've stated. It's extremely hard for me to give up on our relationship if I feel there may be a way for it to be mended.

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone

I'm going through exactly this right now except no dc. I'm finding it really hard as it just feels like it did when we were together except we sleep in separate rooms. It just seems silly to each do our own washing and cook our own food.
Also finding it hard to put boundaries in place eg. No touching if we're both sitting on the sofa. And all his awful habits which made me want to leave him, I still have to live with!! Counting down the minutes until may 8th.

Happy it's not so bad for you to want to try and fix your relationship. But your OP was about how to live with a partner after you've seperated. You have to work out what route you're actually pursuing, not try and muddle through combining the two. That way madness lies.

If you're this unclear I actually think it's even more important that he moves out.

I did it for a while, it was fine as we are not volatile people and were just 'fine' with it. It was without drama and saved some money and kids were understanding of it. They knew absolutely that we were no longer together, it was just a short transition.

But do get weekend time away, dating even, outside of the house... but get a lock for your bedroom, just so you can secure your private belongings and papers when you're not there.

Oh and forgot to say, about a stable home... you will still be able to give you child that being apart. You can both still do that, it will be good in the end, honestly. Lots of us here have waded through these hard parts, not seeing the wood for the trees, but you will get there and you'll probably think, thank god, why didn't I do it sooner...?!?

Thanks for all your replies and comments.

Hopefully this will go smoothly and we can still have a good relationship when we go our separate ways.

It just kills me because it's not what I want but I know I can't stay with him if he refuses to get help for his issues.

I do think that the best way for you to get through this is to start dating. You need to make it very clear to your XP that the relationship is over, and that while you are happy to develop an amicable co-parenting relationship with him, you are going to get your romantic and sexual needs met by other men. Get yourself an online dating account, don't rub your XP's nose in it but don't hide it either - and (while following the ordinary dating safety procedures) don't worry about whether any of the men you date are suitable partner material - the point is that you are not sitting waiting for STBXP to transform into a decent partner.
If you carry on living in the same house without any signs that you are actually moving on, he's going to sit there with his sad face on. Indefinitely. Until you find yourself drifting into being his housekeeper and sexual comfort blanket again, and as miserable, rejected and insecure as you were before.
Because he is fundamentally selfish in that he will always put his own needs so far ahead of yours that your needs don't exist for him at all. You binned him for this, you did the right thing, and now you are trying to be fair and amicable about the separation, which is a good thing but you need to make sure that you get some pleasure out of life and develop a life that is not focussed on this inadequate, selfish man