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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Loss of libido post birth

20 replies

lilymolly · 08/08/2006 15:20

Although I have never had a huge sex drive, after the birth of my daughter 7 months ago, following BF abd episiotomy, I quite rightly went off sex, however I have stopped BF and everything has healed, but I have totally lost all my sex drive and we do not do it at all. Going to relate to try and resolve it , but very sceptical about ever being normal again. any advice?

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PrettyCandles · 08/08/2006 15:30

It can take a lot longer than people realise for your body and your head to come back together again. It's good that you're trying to deal with it without letting it drag on for long - and believe you me, 7m is not long at all.

You will be 'normal' again - though whether you will be the same as before is another question that nobody can answer.

Do you share affection with your dp? Physical displays of affection, even if only touches rather than sexual behaviour? Do you get bogged down in the details of jsut getting on with life? Do you make time for each other when the LO is asleep, or do you (both/either of you) rush around getting the things done that didn't get done during the day, or alternatively flop in front of the TV or PC?

Sometimes yo need to make the effort to change your direction sot hat you have a chance to relate to each other as a couple once again, and get back into the habit of loving each other (note that I don't say 'making love to each other' that comes later).

BEing a parent isn't necessarily easy, it can be very draining, and just as people assume that giving birth, or breastfeeding, will come naturally, people also assume that maintaining the couple relationship will also come naturally. But it doesn't always, and you may find you need to work on it, just as you may have needed to get help with birthing, or to work on breastfeeding.

A lot of us have been there...

JessaFreedomFighter · 08/08/2006 15:31

um...it's only been 7 months since birth? My advice is try to not to worry too much about it.

Someone on another libido thread pointed out that once you get out of the 'habit' of having sex...you have to try quite hard to get back into the habit again...and if you are tired from breastfeeding at all hours or looking after a young baby then there is even less impetous and inclination to put the effort in...

fishythots · 09/08/2006 21:54

I can completely relate. I am in a similar situation - I feel tired after a full day and it seems difficult to create the mood and space required to get into things.

lilymolly · 10/08/2006 18:55

Hi Thanks for advice, yeah I know its only been 7 months and that I should give myself a chance, but too be brutally honest, I was never highly sexed pre baby, so can not make it an excuse, but relate therapist thinks I may have a deficency in testosterone post birthy, as I have lost all desire full stop! Just wondering if anyone had had this diagnosed and was there any treatment.

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nicnack2 · 10/08/2006 19:08

i completly lost m sex drive afterds1 took me a year to even consider it. with ds2 its been 5 months and i again really couldnt care whether i never had it again.

lilymolly · 10/08/2006 19:23

what did husband think of that! although mine is vv supportive, I keep thinking he will go off and leave me- he is only 25- 5 years younger than me

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PrettyCandles · 10/08/2006 19:37

I've heard of this (often wondered about myself as you sound like my echo IYSWIM) and I believe you can get hormone supplement treatment, but that it's not easy to judge the dose right so that you get just your sex-drive without facial hair and a deeper voice.

Want to post more about other ways of going about things (from my own experience) but am being called to help keep the peace between two over-tired chidlren. Back later.

lilymolly · 10/08/2006 21:47

dying to hear more- think i am only one out there who is suffering....... IS IYSWIM if you see what I mean?

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PrettyCandles · 11/08/2006 12:12

OK, first of all, as everyone has said, 7m is not long - bet you've read in the books about waiting until your 6w checkup, as if leaping upon each other should be uppermost in your minds. Erm, not quite true. Yeah sure some people do, but far from everybody does. Not even him - he may also be tired and overwhelmed.

Hormones - even though you've stopped BFing, you're still not back to your pre-pregnancy hormone levels, and that can take months longer to even out. So desire can be affected by that as well.

Fatigue - need I say more?!

Habit - well, you've got out of the habit, and if your drive wasn't particularly strong in the first place, then you don't really have the impetus to make the effort to get back into the habit.

Busyness - there's so much to do. But do you prioritise yourselves at all, or are you doing what you think needs to be done: laundry, dishes, tidying, shopping etc? Truth is, it can all wait, and you're not bad parents for being sloppy from time to time, or even always.

Love V Lust - he loves you, and that lasts longer than lust. And, while lust is good, it's not the be-all and end-all of a strong relationship. You're trying to do something about this together, he sees your commitment to changing this situation, togetherness is the most important thing.

What we did...

Reconnect with each other: First of all, we banned the TV. Unless there was a particular programme we wanted to watch, we didn't switch it on. And we switched it off after watching said programme. No more TV dinners - supper at the table, facing each other. After telling each other about our day, telling dh about ds, we decreed a baby-free hour, when we talked about other things, trying to recreate some of what we had before having a child.

Take off the pressure: We agreed not to have sex. But instead we made sure to give each other lots of displays of affection - also the little inimacies, like clearing dh's blocked pores, dh giving me a foot massage. Bringing home little presents, flowers from time to time. Making sure to talk to each other on the phone every day. Making sure to kiss each other and hug and touch each other. Knowing that I wasn't going to have more demanded of me than I was able at that point to give, made me feel so much more relaxed and affectionate. I think affection is the crucial thing at this point.

And if and when you decide to make love, remember also that you don't need to go 'all the way' first time. As long as both of you agree so that nobody is pressured or disappointed. Also, you can make love without being in the mood. You may want to do something special for your dh - I know this isn't a particularly 'liberated' point of view, but if it feels right to do this, then why not. You can bolster yourself with a drink, even make it part of the foreplay (navels and liqueurs ). Take a bath together to help you into the mood. Have some lube readily available to help you along.

Eventually, I found myself making the effort to make love even if I wasn't feeling like it (though not if I felt that I really didn't want to). Usually it was me who initiated, probably because dh didn't want to put me under pressure, but gradually dh began initiating. And I found that the more I made the effort to make love, the more lustful I began to feel, and the more I enjoyed myself.

A long spiel, I know, but I hope there are some helpful pointers in it. Please try not to feel guilty about this, and be open with your dh about your love for him and that he is still desirable, even if you struggle to express that desire physically.

lilymolly · 11/08/2006 12:29

Thank you sooooooo much, was there ever I time you thought that you simply did not fancy dh any more? even though you loved him cos that gos through my mind, and terrifies me!

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PrettyCandles · 11/08/2006 12:38

Oh yes. I even worried that maybe I had mistaken lust for love and that perhaps deep down the truth was that I didn't love him. When I think now of how deeply committed we are to each other, I feel sad that I doubted my ability to be a full partner in this marriage. It didn't help either that I had PND and didn't trust my own instincts.

Men aren't too good at expressing their emotions, and I suppose we tend to assume what they are feeling. When dh was able to open himself up to me, it helped me deal with my own feelings of inadequacy (over both the PND and the lack of libido). Although this issue is yours, I don't think you can resolve it on your own - it is too deeply inside the whole relationship to be dealt with in isolation.

Bugsy2 · 11/08/2006 13:07

Top tips from PrettyCandles. I tried Agnus Castus, which helps balance female hormones & that really helped too.

joelallie · 11/08/2006 15:52

Totally agree with prettycandles's tips. Basically keep the channels of communications open - physically and emotionally. My libido has been very variable since i was first pregnant 10 years ago. Most of that time I've had to force myself to have sex with DH - more often than not it was great when it happened but that still didn't make me want to do it again. There were times when I could feel the tension between us like a stretched wire - I was afraid that if I touched him he would hit me or yell. So don't let it get that bad - do as PC suggests - show affection, with words, touch and kisses, do nice things for each other. Make some kind of connection. You can't make love to someone with whom you have no connection. Going from not talking and not touching, to full sex simply doesn't work.

Also explain to your DH how you feel so that he knows what's going on in your head.

nicnack2 · 11/08/2006 19:33

my husband get very frustrated about my lack of sex drive and it surfaces in arguements. Thing is i dont feel desirable. Sometimes i do want a cuddle but if i suggested that he thinks its a green light for sex and it ps me off and puts me off sex even more. maybe i never enjoyed it and now it has served its purpose i can live without it. Also my body has been someone elsed for the last 4 years through 2 pregancies and aftermath and i would like time to reclaim it for myself.

lilymolly · 11/08/2006 21:16

interesting though - I actually tolerated sex when concieved dd- dh often says tongue in cheek- i have got what i wanted, but I am sooooooo not a manipulative person, but maybe sub consciously i did..

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lilymolly · 11/08/2006 22:43

anyone out there tonight got anything to add to help me or had similar experience? Feel like leper (spl?)

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NotQuiteCockney · 13/08/2006 07:58

PrettyCandles makes some excellent recommendations.

I'm a bit startled by your relate therapist jumping to the conclusion about testosterone. I'd be very cautious before taking some sort of supplement, and want to be sure I'd explored every other possible avenue. From what I know of testosterone supplimentation, it permanently changes your brain structure.

The standard sex therapist solution to this kind of problem (I thought) is an exercise called sensate focus. Here is a link explaining it.

In my view, a low libido 7 months after having a baby is perfectly normal. Not worth worrying about at all! I had an excellent libido pre-children, but lack of sleep, stress, changed focus, etc etc all affect things.

Questions, not necessarily to answer if you don't want to, but at least to think about:
a) do you masturbate? Did you used to, before you had kids?
b) do you still find your DH attractive? If so, when?
c) do you find other men attractive?
d) do you feel attractive, yourself?
e) do you get time off, with no responsibilities?
f) do you get time with your DH with nothing else going on?

NotQuiteCockney · 13/08/2006 08:05

And to let you know you're not alone, read these threads:

here

here

here

here

here

here

here

lilymolly · 13/08/2006 10:23

Ahh thats so kind, NQC,

To answer your concern over relate, we are starting sensate focus in next few weeks, just at history taking point at the moment, I just think the therapist wants to rule out any physiological cause.
question a- no, but used to pre baby!
b- yes still find him attrtactive but in cuddly way
c-no
d- no hate jelly belly
e- No have not had any free time at all away from dd apart from 4 x couple of hours when I rodfe my horse, but I am desperate for 1 day to myself.

Thanks for threads, nice to know I am not only one out there.

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NotQuiteCockney · 13/08/2006 11:24

Hmm, I'd bet if you got some time off you'd feel more like yourself. Ditto if you were happier with your body.

It's normal to feel pretty crap when you have a small baby, imo.

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