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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Final straw: DP fritters £500 a month gambling online

19 replies

Brozzer · 08/08/2006 15:15

What would you do? My dp is a financial nightmare and I'm being dragged down with him. He pays £1000 a month to service credit card debts and a personal loan, 90% of which he ran up before we met.
I agreed to pay the mortgage out of my part-time salary for the last ten months so he could put the cash onto his credit cards. I also agreed to pay some other bills, leaving him responsible for council tax and gas bills only. I have spent ten knackering months commuting part-time to London to earn cash, trying to be a decent mum to our lovely two yr-old ds and doing 80% of all the housework as well. Here's what he's done:

  1. Didn't pay any council tax without telling me. We now have a court summons.
  2. Didn't pay the gas bill. Debt collector letters now arriving as well as disconnection threats.
  3. Didn't pay off a single extra penny of his credit cards.
  4. Has been spending £500 a month on Ladbrokes.com (I found out last night).

I think my son and I deserve a bit better than this. Has anyone been through this? I want to leave him and separate our finances.
Thanks for any advice.

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expatinscotland · 08/08/2006 15:18

You've answered your own question at the end of your post.

He's getting you into serious trouble which will ruin your credit for years and leave you homeless.

You already know what you need to do b/c, yes, you deserve better.

Piffle · 08/08/2006 15:18

Definitely you need to seperate your finances, he is taking money that would benefit your child, while you work your tits off away from home to fund his selfish lifestyle.
Now on the mitigation side, he is obviously an addict.
If he seeks help and allows you full control of all finances, then perhaps you can salvage something.
I would leave personally with a footnote, I'm not coming back to you until this addiction is sorted - he needs to get himself out of his own mess.
Good luck, awfil position to be in

FrayedKnot · 08/08/2006 15:21

Very and for you.

Is your mortage in joint names?

bluejelly · 08/08/2006 15:28

Have you tried contacting Gam-anon, the group that supports gambler's families?

bluejelly · 08/08/2006 15:30

My ex was a gambler, very annoying I know.
I decided to leave after years of dealing with the after-effects of gambling. It's tough but my life is so much better now

Brozzer · 08/08/2006 15:33

Yes, mortgage is in joint names. We've had arrears a couple of times so he's already affected my credit rating. He wants to put his credit cards on to our mortgage but I'm really thinking we should sell up and I should take my half and get the hell out. Start again.
I don't want to be a single mum but I feel so let down by him and full of dread at the idea of working for years just so he can pay off debts and bet online.
I hate him for being so selfish, particularly when he's on a good salary and we could have had a nice life and a secure future.
Does anyone know how you work out fair maintenance payments? I don't want to throw the book at him but I think he's got to contribute something of his £78k salary to his son's upkeep...

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rickman · 08/08/2006 15:38

Message withdrawn

catsmother · 08/08/2006 15:55

Brozzer .... I am so sorry. You must feel heartbroken.

My ex was a gambler too (though we split up because of his affairs). He was spending up to a £1000 a month at the bookies 15 years ago, and it was only because he was on a very good salary that we didn't get into serious trouble. As it was, we had a crap old car, rotten old carpets, no holidays etc. I tried to reason, tried suggesting a certain, set amount of money each money that he could spend as he wished - but no more, yet nothing worked. Basically, all the nagging in the world won't do unless he wants to give up.

In my case, at least I was a SAHM and I wasn't physically earning the money that was going down the drain. In your case, addiction or not, you are being used and your son is being deprived. To suggest his debts go on a remortgage would never work unless he's prepared to stop all this because you know that he would just run up more ....

..... as Piffle suggested, the only way it might work is if he relinquished all his cards to you, you gave him pocket money and paid all the bills, but I can also see how that could easily lead to him resenting you and it'd be very easy for him to get new cards, set up phone accounts at bookies, borrow off friends and so on and you'd be back to square 1.

Forgive me but you say he's paying £1000 a month on c/cards & loan, and £500 a month at Ladbrookes ...... but he must be taking home about £4000 on £78k pa, so where is the rest of his money going. I'm astounded that you are taking full responsibility for everything except council tax and gas bills (what's that? .... max £250 a month ?). There is a huge amount of "missing" money here.

You've told us what's he's (not) done: Council tax, credit cards and gas ...... but you haven't told us what his reaction to all this has been (apart from suggesting it goes on the mortgage).

Is he contrite ? Does he admit he's been selfish and a liar ? How does he suggest he's going to get out of it ? ...... again, with that sort of take home, I shouldn't have thought that sorting out 10 months of gas and council tax should be too much of a difficulty. Makes me wonder if there's other stuff you don't already know about ...... my ex had telephone accounts with all sorts of bookies .... we'd get calls from them chasing him up for money at all hours.

I know that very few women want to be a single mum but I think there's a very good chance you will dragged down to rock bottom if you stick with this man the way he lives now. There is only so many remortgages you can make ..... and, if you have bad credit, even that idea might not be as easy as it sounds.

You sound as if you're a capable strong woman who is already holding the household together financially all on your own. As for child maintenance, the CSA would assess it at 15% of his net salary per month for 1 child (less maybe some variation if he had child overnight more than 52 nights a year). See csa site . So, you'd be due around about £600 a month.

Whilst it might be explained as an addiction, I still can't help feeling so angry on your behalf 9and your son's). It's such a selfish thing.

Brozzer · 08/08/2006 15:58

Thanks, Rickman.
I'm definitely going to contact Gam-anon, BlueJelly.
Hope there's light at the end of the tunnel...

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Brozzer · 08/08/2006 16:30

Catsmother
Thank you for your post.
I agree about 'missing' money. We've sat down so many times and gone through it and I've never understood where it all goes. Last night was the first time I forced him to show me a bank statement and realised that I was subsidising his visits to Ladbrokes.com. He swore it was a one-off as it had been his birthday but then refused to show me his betting history on the site. Then confessed he gambles 'a few hundred' every month.
He is a bit contrite and says things like 'everything's going to change now' and 'I've learnt my lesson'. But I've heard it all a million times and he never changes. He always says everything will be OK but never does anything about it. He's actually tried to remortgage once and we got turned down, despite salaries.
In truth, I don't want to be this sad, nagging, preaching figure. I want to go out with someone I respect, who respects me. It is just so sad that we share this delightful little boy who loves both of us so much. I feel like a total bastard for choosing to send his father packing. But I want a better life than this.
Anyone who's had money problems and debt-collector letters knows how it rips your life apart and sucks the joy out of your relationship.
We earn over £100k a year between us - and should think ourselves f*ing lucky - but I've currently got £30 in my bank account and have drained my salary by paying bills and transfering him extra cash. I literally can't go to work this week cos neither of us can afford to pay the childminder!! It's like a black comedy.
He is a child.

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Brozzer · 08/08/2006 16:30

Catsmother
Thank you for your post.
I agree about 'missing' money. We've sat down so many times and gone through it and I've never understood where it all goes. Last night was the first time I forced him to show me a bank statement and realised that I was subsidising his visits to Ladbrokes.com. He swore it was a one-off as it had been his birthday but then refused to show me his betting history on the site. Then confessed he gambles 'a few hundred' every month.
He is a bit contrite and says things like 'everything's going to change now' and 'I've learnt my lesson'. But I've heard it all a million times and he never changes. He always says everything will be OK but never does anything about it. He's actually tried to remortgage once and we got turned down, despite salaries.
In truth, I don't want to be this sad, nagging, preaching figure. I want to go out with someone I respect, who respects me. It is just so sad that we share this delightful little boy who loves both of us so much. I feel like a total bastard for choosing to send his father packing. But I want a better life than this.
Anyone who's had money problems and debt-collector letters knows how it rips your life apart and sucks the joy out of your relationship.
We earn over £100k a year between us - and should think ourselves f*ing lucky - but I've currently got £30 in my bank account and have drained my salary by paying bills and transfering him extra cash. I literally can't go to work this week cos neither of us can afford to pay the childminder!! It's like a black comedy.
He is a child.

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lemonstartree · 08/08/2006 16:35

What does he say about this ? Is he sorry ? ashamed? does he see it as a problem or does he thnk you are making a fuss about nothing? it seems to me that if he is really 'sorry' and understand why you are so upset (and I would be spitting!) then you have a chance to work this out.If not........then i think its inevitably going to end in seperation

lemonstartree · 08/08/2006 16:36

sorry X posted

catsmother · 08/08/2006 17:54

Brozzer, I know how you feel. It sounds dreadful.

It's very easy for me to say but maybe you have to decide what's the lesser of 2 evils here ? ..... you splitting up and your son having parents who live apart, or staying together until (quite possibly) you all end up losing everything.

Splitting up doesn't necessarily mean depriving a child of a father. Where both adults involved genuinely want what's best for the child, they can grow up balanced and happy. My son was 4 when we split - now he is 16 and doing fine. I've never bad mouthed his dad to him (despite being tempted) and always offered open access.

At the moment, you are effectively enabling his addiction because you're always there to mop up after him. You're his safety net - so there's no real incentive for him to get things in order. Without you, he will sink or swim .... because he will have to house, feed and clothe himself and there will only be his name on the bills. Quite possibly, he might have to "sink" as low as he possibly can before he actually realises he needs help but that isn't something you or anyone else can force him to decide.

But at least you won't be tied to him and dragged down at the same time.

No-one knows what's going to happen in the future and it might well be the case that once he has to face up to his problems on his own and actually deals with them, that the pair of you might reconcile. But he comes across as a sinking ship right now .... and potentially your son might be more affected if you stay on board so to speak. How will it affect your son if you ultimately end up losing your home ? .....

..... I know that sounds melodramatic but some gamblers do, literally, end up losing everything.

I'd be very suspicious I'm afraid if he won't show you his betting account. A "few hundred" in my ex's speak usually meant a "few thousand".

Brozzer · 08/08/2006 18:22

CM - thank you so much, I really appreciate it. I really do worry that one day we would have had to sell our home to pay off all his debts. I think he has a problem. I think he expects me to stick with him no matter what and doesn't see the gravity of the situation. His mum has bailed him out of trouble all his life so I don't think he's yet had a chance to grow up (he's 28).
It's never black or white tho is it? There are many lovely things about him and I would have liked things to be different. I think it's more important, however, that my two-yr-old is assured some kind of security.

Leaving him may be the best thing I ever do and may indeed make him grow up fast. Hope we will become good friends.

Glad your boy is doing well and thanks again for your wise words x

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bluejelly · 09/08/2006 09:51

My ex's mother bailed him out all the time and he never really grew up. I think it might be a trait of compulsive gamblers.

Just to second what the catsmother said, my dd has a good relationship with her dad now and we get on well. Splitting up doesn't have to mean the end of a happy family life...

Xtine · 09/08/2006 10:58

Have just read through this post and although my (soon to be EX) DH is not a gambler, he took out a secured loan on our property last year to pay off debts and then was unable to pay it and many other bills. LIke your DH he is on a good salary. So in effect he did gamble with everything.

I should have put my foot down about this loan but didn't. We has always handled our finances separately with distinct areas of responsibility and he has reneged on most of his. To make matters worse he said that he would be receiving extra money from work to pay some of the arrears bu this money has never materialised. This has caused me untold misery and grief. I have been bailing him out for quite a while now and in the end it had to stop. From paying council tax to him asking me for a loose change (like a beggar) to him using my son't mobile phone. We have had our phone cut off, problems with gas and electricity etc etc

Now we have had to sell our house and will be moving in a couple of weeks. I am moving to rented property with our two young children and he despite saying he would have nowhere to live has found a flat.

Since I found this out just before last Christmas life has been hell and although the future is uncertain (I doubt whether I can afford to buy again in this area) at least I will be in control and although I am not that good with money I will always make sure there is enought to pay for the essentials. This is what I couldn't understand about him how he could do this and at the same time not alert me to the situation so that we could do something before it was too late.

He has been apologetic some of the time but at others has been quite aggressive about it. And it has taken him until the final hour to take steps to deal with the situation. ie changing his bank account and contacting CCCS

Hope this helps - I know that it isn't very positive but maybe to know that others are in similar position,

Good luck

edam · 09/08/2006 11:06

I think there is no point staying together unless he takes steps that he really means to control his gambling and makes it clear that he understands how wrong his behaviour has been ? that he's been stealing from you and his own child.

My dh got us into financial difficulties - not over gambling - and hid building society letters from me until they started action to repossess. We are still together but only because he recognised what he did was wrong, took steps to put it right and agreed I could open his post.

Brozzer · 09/08/2006 17:15

Xtine - God I'm so sorry. What a miserable time you've had. I wish you and your children all the luck in the world in your new place. x

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