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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I let the anger and jealousy go?

22 replies

Letitallgo · 20/02/2014 23:17

DH and I divorced a year ago (I divorced him for having an affair)

I'd been a SAHM for 7 years and he has a very good well paid job so it suited us, even down to him pushing for another baby whilst he was cheating.

So now I live on benefits and CSA whilst returning to university. It's difficult and hard work, I have 3 DC, not much spare cash at all and whilst he has the DC 2 nights a week my time is spent studying.

On the other hand he is well paid and has a new partner who is also well paid and has no DC. He lives in a lovely big house, new car and last week text me four sets of dates he would be away on weekend breaks and holidays with his new partner this year and two weeks they would be taking the DC away.

It all came to a head tonight when he facetimed the DC from abroad with his new girlfriend. DC were in the living room and I heard all about their day on the beach, shopping, sightseeing and how they can't wait for the DC to be out here with "us". They have gone to our old family holiday spot where we have been going for years.

I feel angry and sad and desperately misplaced. I feel like my whole life has been usurped. Meanwhile I'm tired and under pressure and snapping at the kids who are moaning why they can't be on holiday/on day trips etc. I have two essays to do and no childcare help as exDH is away all week.

There must be some advice or way of accepting my lot and moving on. I just can't see it. Oh woe is me

OP posts:

Original poster

Letitallgo · 20/02/2014 23:39

OP posts:

Offred · 20/02/2014 23:46

How come you and the kids ended up with such a crap divorce settlement? It doesn't sound right that he's waltzed off with such a charmed lifestyle and you've been left on benefits with the children - divorce settlements are in order to avoid exactly this situation.

Is there anything you can do about the finances now?

If not I think you probably need to just take a deep breath and keep smiling sweetly, you are on the way up. The kids are not going to remember him fondly for leaving you struggling while he lives a charmed life.

SummersDumbAsPie · 20/02/2014 23:49

A nice pie might cheer you up. Always does the trick for me. Bit of bovvy too?

Blossomflowers · 20/02/2014 23:56

What summer ????
I agree with offred, why are you on benefits whilst he is living the high life, I would be seething in your situation, no woe is me at all. Your XH sounds like a self entitled dick. Do something about getting what you deserve for you and your kids.

InOtherNews · 20/02/2014 23:57

Agree with offred, they won't thank him for this when they're older, it seems so tight on his behalf. Also being back at Uni would be difficult at the best of times, without 3DCs, and looming deadlines make everything seem worse. It won't always be like this, once you've got back into uni and get some of it under your belt, might it seem a bit easier?

Original poster

Letitallgo · 21/02/2014 00:21

He gives exactly what he is told to give by the CSA calculator . He's quite clever in that the DC are always spoilt by him, have everything at his house (including clothes, I can send them round in clean new clothes and he gets them changed into "his house" clothes straight away). So they only go without with me. If they need or want anything he has told them they can ask him.

As for the divorce, I divorced him on my own with no solicitor (in hindsight mostly out of anger) and didn't want a penny in spousal maintenance (I messed up there).

I've looked for work, but he can't have them more than he does already due to work (and constantly says what's the point in you getting a job and me having to turn higher paid work down, it will just cut your CSA).

It seems so far in the future that things will improve for me and that everything is rosy and bright for him. Even worst that the new girlfriends job involves children so ex DH is now the font of all childrearing knowledge.

OP posts:

Original poster

Letitallgo · 21/02/2014 00:23

Example being he has always come to parents evening and just listened and nodded. This time he came with a list of questions I'm guessing fed to him by the new girlfriend. Even the teacher was

OP posts:

Offred · 21/02/2014 00:26

I'm surprised the judge signed off the financial agreement in those circumstances (no solicitor and no spousal maintenance for a SAHM from a high earner) tbh, it is contrary to public policy. Is there anything you can do about it now? My legal knowledge does not extend that far!

Original poster

Letitallgo · 21/02/2014 00:30

The judge telephoned me to make sure I knew what I was signing. And don't get me wrong ex DH does always pay on time every month and I know lots of lone parents get nothing.

I think it's the holiday thing. Seeing him sat on a sofa with a new girlfriend in the house we've been holidaying in for years talking to the DC about when they all go away really hit me hard.

OP posts:

Offred · 21/02/2014 00:31

I see. I think you should still look into challenging it on the basis that you believes you knew what you were doing but had had no legal advice.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/02/2014 00:33

Did you get somewhere decent to live?

Tbh I think it's very hard to let go of this much injustice and righteous anger - the only comfort I can offer you is to be kind to yourself and realise even if you didn't get much materially that it's not your fault, that your time was spent on raising 3 children.

That you did the right thing.

Original poster

Letitallgo · 21/02/2014 00:37

We rent a nice cottage and ex DH paid for the deposit/first months rent because I'm claiming housing benefit and didn't have the cash upfront.

Laurie, thank you for that. My friend says the same thing "they won't remember what you bought them, they'll remember that you're the one that stayed".

OP posts:

Offred · 21/02/2014 00:38

Yes if you can't do anything to solve the injustice, which frankly will damage his relationship with the dc in the end when they realise what has happened, then you need to try and let it go and focus on the future.

I'm studying a law degree part time with Ou, have been since 2011. Will finish 2016. Do some volunteer work for the NHS and CAB. I have 4 dc - 8, 7 and 4 yo DTs. One xp who was a battle to start and is not much help now and similarly has a lot of holidays and a carefree life and an xh (not divorced though) who has made excellent financial provision for me and the two dc who are his. His wages won't give all of us an excellent lifestyle and he has prioritised the dc, which is completely right.

It is hard enough without the injustice and inequality.

Original poster

Letitallgo · 21/02/2014 07:42

Thanks. Struggling this morning, ex DH sending reams of pics and texts to the DC. Considering just turning the phones off

OP posts:

Mrscaindingle · 21/02/2014 08:34

It sounds as though your anger towards your ex got in the the way of a decent divorce settlement which I can completely understand. There have been many times I've wanted to tell my ex to just fuck off with his money especially when he's tried to control me with threats of withdrawing it.
Swallowing my anger over that has been the hardest thing I ever had to do.
I really admire you ( not that that will be much help at the moment) but I am guessing you are young enough to start over, I have to think about my future and pension and don't have the time to start again if I don't want to be poor in my old age.
One day you will be glad that you did this on your own terms and at least your ex cannot control what you do.

maleview70 · 21/02/2014 09:12

I'm assuming as a high earner with 3 kids you do get a reasonable amount each month then as the CSA calculator would be what maybe 25% of net pay less a reduction for the number of nights he has them?

The only thing you can console yourself with is that he could very well cheat again once he gets bored and it won't be you having to put up with it.

Is the women the one he had the affair with?

Original poster

letitallgo · 21/02/2014 12:08

No its not the woman he had the affair with.

I do get a reasonable amount, however my car needed repairs so he paid for them and is now docking my money each week until its paid off. Its never the same amount each week. It depends what he gets paid and I have to take his word for it (some weeks it can vary by 50)

OP posts:

scornedwoman67 · 21/02/2014 12:33

Hi letitallgo I have a friend who was in an almost identical position as you - her XH was mid forties and had an affair with a 21 year-old which resulted in my friend & her 2 DC's having to move in with her parents, she had to get a FT job and now scrapes by in a rented house. He meanwhile married the OW & they flaunt their large house, lovely holidays, huge wedding etc etc.
He's self-employed and just 'hides' money. The CSA can't help because on paper he is paying the right amount. He uses the money as a form of control & if she 'rocks the boat' (his terminology) he will suddenly become 'unemployed' for a few weeks & she gets nothing.

I absolutely admire the way she has held her head up high, sorted out a good job, nice house for the girls - we all rallied round & gave her furniture, kitchem equipment etc. The children now look at him & his smug new wife and wonder why they are sleeping in 2nd hand beds whilst he suns himslef in the Maldives. My friend now realises that he is massively damaging his own relationship with his DC's - they are already losing interest in him. He's now approaching 50 and it already appears that cracks are appearing in the new marriage. The moral of the story I guess is that he will be the ultimate loser in this.

Your DC's will admire you for getting you all through this & putting them first. I did it myself and I can honestly say my relationship with the kids is fabulous. We are one very close knit family and we have a lovely harmonious existence. You will too. x

SaucyJack · 21/02/2014 12:50

I think you need to try to mentally separate the life you had before, from the life you live now for your own sake.

He's nothing to you any more, and to be frank he owes you nothing, and how he lives is now no more relevant to your living conditions than any other random bloke out of the phone book.

Take pride in your independence. What you have now is all your own work.

And yes, when the DC's are a bit older they will absolutely understand and resent him if he's been skanking them, minimum CSA payments or not.

Quitelikely · 21/02/2014 15:23

God I can see why this is so hard to swallow. You didn't ask for any of this and you know what? At the end if the day it's only money. At least you are bettering yourself so that you will one day be financially better off and also one day I dare say you might even be at that house with a lovely man whilst Skyping your dcs. It must be hard but remember forgiving him and wishing him well will result in emotional freedom for you and there is no better thing for someone who has been through what you have.

And I do second what the others said about getting some maintenance for yourself!

Offred · 21/02/2014 16:59

Could you get the maintenance secured through the child maintenance service. If you get some control over that so you aren't worrying about how much you are getting and when that might help.

Offred · 21/02/2014 17:01

It does sound a little like he decides what he can be arsed to pay and when. This is no good, you need to have a regular amount at a regular time so you can plan your spending. I don't think CMS would let him vary the weekly amount. They'd look at his earnings last year, calculate a weekly amount and pay you that then review it yearly.

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