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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's gone

10 replies

Wonderingwhatcomesnext · 20/02/2014 21:17

Married for 5 years, together for 10. We have 2 DDs together, the youngest is only 9 weeks old. He is lazy and selfish and does the bare minimum with me and the kids to keep me onside. His priorities are himself, then his mates, then getting drunk. Me and the kids are way down the list. I have finally had enough and asked him to leave. I know it is the right decision, I know that I deserve better than the way he treats me and I know that life will probably be easier without him in the long run. So why do I feel scared and helpless? And why do I feel guilty for depriving my DDs of a life where their mum and dad are together? I just feel so sad for what could have been if he had only got his act together and stepped up as a husband and father. And terrified of how I will manage on my own with 2 small children. Please reassure me that things will get better.

OP posts:

TheGonnagle · 20/02/2014 21:20

You are now 13 stone or so lighter, congratulations of shifting that giant lump of shit out of your life. Onwards and upwards, you are going to be amazing with two small ones, you already are because you are teaching them that relationships are a partnership not one person walking all over the other. Hurrah for you and your strength, positivity and good sense!

newtothis1234 · 20/02/2014 21:22

you have done the right thing, it would only get worse not better, how much was he drinking?

tribpot · 20/02/2014 21:24

You can't make another person be anything other than themselves. This guy does not sound like someone you want around your DDs, and you seriously don't want them growing up seeing this relationship modelled for them as the basis for their own.

It's quite understandable that you feel overwhelmed by the future. Do you have a good support network?

mellowdramatic · 20/02/2014 21:25

Look forward to the fabulous relationship you will have with your dds. It's not going to be easy especially while they are small but it seems to me that u've done the right thing. Get as much support from family and friends as you can. Gook luck x

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/02/2014 21:27

All you've deprived your kids of is a selfish, lazy drunk. Well done for taking a stand and don't worry, that scared, helpless feeling is the 'OMG factor' that comes with doing something courageous and assertive. It'll pass and you'll be back to your strong, resilient self. Best of luck

Original poster

Wonderingwhatcomesnext · 20/02/2014 21:27

He was drinking a lot. Most days he would finish work around 2 or 3pm (he's self employed) and instead of coming home to help me out with the children, he would go to the pub with his mates til tea time.. Weekends would revolve around when he could nip out to have a few. So he would do something with me and DDs in the morning to sweeten me up and the ask if he could go out for a couple of hours in the afternoon. I rarely get any me time, it's all him, him, him. At least now, I will get time to myself when he has contact. Even if I have to send it cleaning and batch cooking so that I can survive the following week.

OP posts:

DorothyGherkins · 20/02/2014 21:30

First bit is hardest. Promise you it gets better.You will manage with two small children, it is hard, but you no longer have a manchild adding to your workload. A few months down the line you will feel better. You have a tiny baby and another child to hold and cuddle and have fun with - they will make everything worthwhile for you.Good luck to you.

Original poster

Wonderingwhatcomesnext · 20/02/2014 21:32

Tribpot, I have a good support network with regard to emotional support. Not much in the way of practical support unfortunately as my parents have poor health, my siblings have their own young children to cope with and so do most of my friends. But plenty of people to listen to me rant and rave if necessary.

Thank you to you all, this kind of support is exactly what I need to hear to stay strong.

OP posts:

newtothis1234 · 20/02/2014 21:36

he will probably be more help to you as he will be taking the kids some weekends, so you will get more of a break than if he was there.

iamonthepursuitofhappiness · 20/02/2014 23:13

I made the same decision 4 years ago. Life is so much better without a DH/DF living in the family home that is no use what-so-ever. I have no practical support either BUT I have gone to college, am at Uni and have a great career ahead of me. I would have achieved non of this if I was still married to my alcoholic, selfish XH. It has been far from easy and my kids are older than yours, you will get through this and come out the other side smiling and wondering why you did not do it sooner. However, you have a lovely new baby to enjoy so no regrets eh?

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