Has your dh attitude to housework changed since you went part time after having ds?

[cleoowen]

Not brave enough to put on am I bu, but cannot work out if I am or not.

Don't want to out myself so can't give all details but background is: since having ds I work have gone back to work freelance two / three days a week. I am a teacher so also have holidays off. I know I am lucky and ds is generally a delight and I have lots of fun with him. I generally like to make myself busy and go out and about every day if I can.

Before I married dh he knew I am not into domestic stuff and don't enjoy cleaning etc. I would much rather go and have fun than clean and so things would be left by both of us and then we'd do a deep clean. We would argue a lot over who should do what and when. But generally do 50/50. However, I would do pretty much everything else food shopping, putting shopping away, washing, finances etc.

However since we've had ds his attitude seems to have got a lot worse and he admits he feels resentful that I ve 'got an easier life than him' now I work part time. I feel he doesn't value what I do looking after our son. I can see how he feels like that as I am often going out with friends, having play dates and lunches out whilst he works. As a result he often tuts and rolls his eyes if I ask him to do a job like washing up and his reasoning for why he shouldn't do it is always 'because I ve been at work all day ' he only does a handful of general household jobs and I do everything else yet I feel he makes me feel guilty if I ve been out all day with ds and not made his tea or not tidied up.

In his defence we do have a cleaner so I know I am lucky but again he views this as ' I let you get a cleaner ' rather than we've got a cleaner. I don't feel like our marriage is a partnership and feel he makes it constant point scoring and tit for tat. His attitude seems to be all about who earns the most and who does the most hours , whereas I don't care and don't see marriage like that.

It's worse this week as I am on half term and he feels I should do it all as ' I am on holiday' we have been having blazing rows and I don't know how we can move on from this when our attitudes to marriage seem to be so different.

He seems to find general life more stressful than most and moans about things which other people just get on with. He argues I ve caused stress to him wanting kids and dogs and another house which increased our mortgage which is true and I admit this. He argues this has caused him stress and along with having his own business he finds it too much and I should help him out. But I feel he just moans more and his life isn't harder than anyone else's. He doesn't leave for work until 8.40 and lies in bed for ages after I get up. He gets home before 7 and has a few weekly household jobs to do whereas I balance so much more.

I don't know who's in the wrong or if this even matters but I am unsure how we can get past this with his attitude towards things. It's not going to change I don't think. But then maybe my attitude needs changing. Who's on the wrong?

I don't think looking after children on its own amounts to full time work

Don't tell that to my childminder, I'd prefer she actually did what I'm paying her to do and didn't take on extra work while my children are there.

to be honest did the lions share when I was working full time too.

Course you did.

Because you are a WOMAN and this is about him asserting his superior status as a man.

You are on holidays from work this week.

That is a lovely opportunity for you and your son to spend some extra time together and do some socialising.

Only a complete twat would think that YOU having some time off work should mean that HE gets all the benefit of that.

If he takes a day off work, does he take on all the housework and leave you without having to lift a finger?

I think the fact you have a cleaner changes it a lot.
YABU

All women with cleaners are unreasonable.

The lazy bitches.

Imagine actually enjoying your own holidays from work!

Outrageous.

Bloody women, when will they stop trying to have nice, enjoyable lives instead of being martyrs to men's needs?

So....you decide to have a child together and you are the main carer, you also work 2-3 days a week. I cannot believe the responses above - are we in the cave days still?

Of course you resent him, he apparently resents you although was happy to saddle you with babysitting duties.

He's lazy, entitled and a twat, you feel he is not really in it with you, you don't feel a team - that's a reasonable reason to sit him down and have a very long talk about roles and what you both need to do in order to keep each other happy.

He's out the house 10hrs a day, same as me, I then go home and do housework etc, and I don't have a child hanging on my hip.

It really looks like your OH doesn't even like you.

Lol! Lots of these posts made me laugh. I am not lazy and neither is dh a twat. In fairness he does take ds swimming in the morning on Saturdays so I have time to myself and does look after him in the evening or weekend day if I want to go out from time to time.

I don't agree with either extreme that people put on here . I don't think he should work and do 50/50 while I lounge around and do lunch but I also don't think I should do everything either. I actually think he should do more domestic stuff but accept what he does do because I work part time. I don't think the balance is right at the moment so get very annoyed when he moans about the little he does do.

We have lots of weekend fun and don't do cleaning as we are lucky enough to have the cleaner. I generally do usual washing and batch cooking for following week. There are no arguments about who cooks and washes up as I suppose from dhs point of view neither of us are ar work so he is pretty relaxed.

In fairness, last weekend I was out all day with ds and when I had returned he had done a load of washing and tidied and put his clothes away without being asked. So I guess you could say when he is home he does do stuff around the house but he didn't have ds with him.

My argument is very much I cut my hours to be with ds not to do housework and don't prioritise it. I don't want to plonk ds in a room while I clean, I want to be with him.

Ps yes, on the days I do work I also get home and do many tasks while he generally gets home and then is able to chill. Perhaps doing the washing up. The issues arise when I am on holiday or on the days I am not working. I think things should continue as they are ( or if anything him doing more) and he thinks I should do more.

Hmm, but you don't need to 'plonk ds in a room while you clean' as you have a cleaner. I would expect you to take up more (and by default, he have less to do) of the household tasks as you are working less days than he is. I speak as a teacher who went PT after dc2 was born, and I couldn't fit everything in, so understand the hours you have to work, but, factually, you are at home, and he's not. You can get allsorts done with a toddler - things like changing the sheets was always more fun with a toddler than without.
My dh does a lot less around the house than he had to when I was working FT. It's got nothing to do with who is the man and who is the woman, but everything to do with one person working FT and the other PT
I think your dh has a point.

Yanbu. Your 'job' is to look after the dc not be his bloody servant. Good for you for taking them out and doing fun things with them. Rather that than watch cbeebies whilst you scrub the floor.

I am being misinterpreted. I completely agree backforgood. And I do do more, a lot more. I do fit lots of things into the day while I am at home. I don't go out all day and do nothing. My point is, is it fair or not that
A) the only jobs dh has is to take dog for a walk on days I work, so 2/3 days a week, puts bins out once a week, washes up if I cook or sometimes if there's washing up left and I ve already washed up once or twice that day. Or cooks tea if home whilst I put ds to bed and puts his own clothes away, Whilst I do everything else?
B) moans about this if I ask him to do it, in particular when I am on holiday or on my days off?
C) expects me to literally do it all including his few jobs whilst I am on holiday?

Oops pressed too early. But I shouldn't be made to feel guilty and not be allowed to watch tv sometimes while he naps or go and see a friend all day and leave the washing up or the hoovering.

I have a similar situation to op. I have reached the conclusion that it is much more stressful arguing with my husband to do more than just getting on with it. I also have a cleaner and work part time, whereas my other half works long hours and is generally a good dad. I would say pick your battles.

Totally get where your priorities lie OP. You did not go PT in order to do the housework. The moaning, tutting, and expecting you to spend a day off waiting on him is unreasonable. Do you think you'll be able to have a heart-to-heart over this? I think you need to. YANBU.

I think his moaning about the jobs he does do is the problem. You are supposed to be a team. I have a similar problem and I'm going to write a list of all the jobs that need doing and tick off who does them to see Joe fair it actually is. Laminated!!
Tbh I think it sounds likes it's more or less fair but you don't really need him moaning about it, or acting like he's doing you a favour when he does something.
TBH sometimes if I work a full day and my DP has a day off, if he doesn't cook dinner I feel really annoyed and upset. Like a proper old school miner expecting their tea on'table!

I don't get that this is a male/female issue. Surely the comments would be the same if it was the DH at home and the OP at work.

Thanks much more reasonable answers. We had a heart to heart on Tuesday night after a massive row and both said sorry. I took this to mean he would do his jobs without moaning and would help more and I would try and do more when he's feeling extra stressed . Sorted I thought. So the next morning I got up and made sure I took the dog for a walk with ds whilst he was still getting ready for work as agreed after argument. Had busy day so didn't get slow cooked dinner on early enough so asked him to go to chippy on way home. Also asked him to do washing up afterwards and an argument breaks out when he moans. So feel we have nothing sorted and it's in one ear and out the next.

Scarlett mummy, I agree and so get on with the extra tasks I do without moaning even though think balance of jobs is unfair. So really makes me angry when he moans about the few jobs he does have. He always brings up that he earns more than me and a comparison of hours spent working which then makes the argument go to a new level.

Charley- I like your idea and think I will do that as I feel he totally takes for granted all the little things I do behind the scene to keep the house ticking over and which enables him to mainly just concentrate on work. He is very much, if we can't physically see what I've done then I ve dove nothing. I often threaten to stop doing the little things I do do he realises but that's quite drastic. Your way is more diplomatic.

I still think YABU.

My DH would live to have more quality time with our DD but can't because he's supporting me to do so. If I moaned about not wanting to do the housework because of my quality time with DD and that he should do more about the house so I could, he'd think me a selfish bitch.

Just showed this thread to dp as a laugh as I could've written the op, but we ended up having a major argument over it (once again!) I teach 3 days, home with dc the other 2. He works 5 days. He does a lot on the weekends but resents it if I ask him, for example, to do a small shop on the way home from work or pick something up for me from town (we're out in the sticks) as he says I am home so all that (food shopping, all cooking etc) should be my job as I'm at home more. He doesn't appreciate at all that I DO work in quite a stressful job 3 out of 5 days and also have a lot of planning/marking to do at home while he has every evening with his feet up in front of tv.

I suppose what I'm saying is that I don't mind doing more than him as he goes out to work more than me, what I do mind is that he now gets to do less than he did before I went part time.

YANBU op but I see where some of the others are coming from as well. Your life, like mine, seems easy compared to a lot of people's. I hate cleaning and have a cleaner too, and that is a luxury I'm always having to defend. I earn my own money and I'd rather spend it on a cleaner than on going out drinking or shopping. I'd also much rather spend quality time with dd than plonk her in front of tv while I cleaned.

For me being at home, with one dc anyway, IS easier than being at work but it is by no means a day off.

Why don't you just try telling him to fuck off?

That your holidays from school are YOUR time to spend as YOU choose, and that being that he's not your boss, he gets no say in the matter of how you spend your time?

Although clearly from the "I earn more" conversation, he thinks that he actually does own you.

He really does sound like an almighty twat.