Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Small hand hold - clearing out after split

26 replies

nowit · 19/02/2014 09:51

Hi all,

H and I split last March after he hit me.
It's all going ok and he has moved out, sees the DC and is financially supportive thus far. We are as amicable as we can be.

He took the vast majority of his stuff when it all happened but i've finally got to the point where I want to make the house my own and i'm cleaning out cupboards and drawers as he has the DC this week. Sitting on the floor in my kitchen surrounded by mess and there are so many small things that remind me of happier times.

I know I did the right thing but i'm struggling with this stage of ripping the plaster off. I'm talking about the stupid things like corks from bottles of fizz for anniversaries and receipts for holidays etc - just writing it down makes me realise how silly it is, they are just bits of paper and most is going straight in the bin but wibbling a bit and struggling not to cry.

Anyone come out the other side and can give me a slap round the chops me some perspective?

OP posts:
TheGonnagle · 19/02/2014 09:54

I have no experience to drawn but just wanted to offer you a hand. Your H did the damage when he hit you, you did the right thing to end it you know this! There will be other happier times, you are making the house your own and you have your whole life stretching out ahead of you to do amazing things in without an abusive spouse.
Fling it all in the bin- onwards and upwards, and then do something that makes you happy.

Mrswellyboot · 19/02/2014 09:57

I haven't experience this exactly but I can tell you that good things come to good people and this is the worst you will probably feel so hopefully onwards and upwards from here

Dump everything. Have you a little cash to redo a room or accessorise it differently to really make it your own Flowers

Original poster
nowit · 19/02/2014 10:00

I have bought some yellow paint to brighten the kitchen and make it a happy place I have visions of skipping through meadows in a summer dress too Wink

I just want to claim MY house as my own - I worry that the kids will ask in the future about Mum and Dad and i'll have binned their memories too but it's the only way I know to deal with it.

OP posts:
OvertiredandConfused · 19/02/2014 10:03

If you want to have some memories to share with DC later - to demonstrate that they were conceived in love no matter what happened later etc - then find yourself one box and put some bits and pieces in there. Then put it in the attic / at the back of a cupboard / in the shed / and make the house your own.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 19/02/2014 10:06

Could you get a small box and label it for the children. Anything you think might be sentimental to them can go in there and then bury it at the back of the cupboard.

I was heartbroken when my XH left, there was no violence or cheating but I realised he'd been EA and he was very cold.

Since the split (& me coercing an apology out of him for the years of bad treatment) we get on much better now. I have forgiven him for the way he was and we have a good co parenting relationship. I have also met a man who is the complete opposite and treats me really well.

Sorry, not trying to hijack, just to point out that in a few years those memories may not be so painful to you, hopefully you will be able to remember and talk about the good times with your DCs in a more detached way, as if they were friends of yours not yourself and XH.

LyndaCartersBigPants · 19/02/2014 10:07

X,post overtired!

Original poster
nowit · 19/02/2014 10:11

Thanks all, I can't believe how much shit I have found in just 5 drawers.
It does feel good and as soon as I feel the tears coming I pull my big girl pants up a bit higher, not a fun thing to do alone so thank you for being here.

OP posts:
louby44 · 19/02/2014 11:08

It's so hard isn't it. I found a box of Valentine & birthday cards I'd kept, all saying "love you forever" - ha!! that wasn't true.

I find a receipt and look at the date and think 'we were together & happy then'.

I ended it but it's still hard, so I'll hold your hand. I hate feeling like this even though I have much in my life that's great!

LilyBlossom14 · 19/02/2014 11:16

oh it is grim - I agree, bung what you want to keep in a box and put under the stairs or something. I did that, and I still haven't looked at the stuff, but it is there if you want it at a later date.

And then get decorating colours that you love and move the furniture round to how you want it - reclaim the home and make it somewhere new and beautiful that you adore. And he won't be there to make it all look messy either.

Louby I found the all my love forever cards too, plus the want to spend the rest of my life with you, etc... I felt like suing him for broken promises!

louby44 · 19/02/2014 12:07

Lily, my cards to him were also there, and strangely I never wrote 'love you forever' in them - maybe I knew that it wouldn't last - forever is a long time!

I felt like sending them to him on Valentines day. He promised me he would never leave too - ha! All hot air, although he probably meant it at the time.

Us women are just too bloody sentimental, I'm sure men don't think and do what we do!

LilyBlossom14 · 19/02/2014 12:15

I just think some of them are entitled, unfaithful liars - but hey, I clearly have issues! I look back at cards and letters and just think I was a deluded fool trusting him, but then I guess their behaviour is about them and not us isn't it. You and Prince are right, forever is a mighty long time.

Onwards and all that anyway - am much happier now and he is stuck with the OW from hell - karma :)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/02/2014 12:19

A hand hold from me too, sifting through flotsam and jetsam of time together in happier days is tough.

Farrowandbawl · 19/02/2014 12:20

Oooooh, fresh starts are the best. Think of all the room you'll have when you've finished.

I cleared out the exs wardrobes after I warned the kids I was going to do it...then moved the pole higher up and now I have a wardrobes just for my dresses Grin

All of his stuff that was in the cupboard under the stairs is now my tool cupboard and the shed is/will be my workshop Grin Grin.

Don't look back. Look forward, what will you be putting in the drawers?

Will you have one just for candles? One for Kitchen linin?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/02/2014 12:26

With your DC you probably find yourself awash with 'treasures' they make and bring home, let alone the things they do with you, these things will vastly outnumber the corks and tickets etc. Yellow is a lovely colour for a kitchen.

Original poster
nowit · 19/02/2014 12:27

Thanks all
Getting there and then find an 'I love you' card and floodgates open. What would normally take a couple of hours is taking all day.
I think it's worse because I haven't seen the DC in 5 days and I miss them like mad.

Onwards and upwards - i'm not a wallower but allowing myself a bit of a sob today.

OP posts:
Farrowandbawl · 19/02/2014 12:30

I found a card like that too...

I was still angry with him at the time so that helped I guess. I didn't sob. I did look at it and though "well that's a load of bollocks isn't it?", then threw it in the pile to be burnt.

(I was genuinly doing a garden fire and had loads of old tree braches and stuff to burn like old bank statements - it wasn't a bunny boiler thing)

LilyBlossom14 · 19/02/2014 12:34

a sob is good for you - cathartic, let it out. then go out and buy yourself something lovely - even if it is just a Mars bar or some cheap bubble bath and a smelly candle.

Farrowandbawl · 19/02/2014 12:34

If you are a fan of Yankee candles - their new stock is out.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2014 14:07

It is ripping off a plaster... very slowly Confused ... and it's horrible. I'm 20 years down the track of my exH suddenly leaving and I still get odd moments like that. Memories. So you have my sympathy. I think you're doing the right thing by making the place your own. I found redecorating and moving furniture around helped a lot. In fact, I'm in the middle of a big building project at home at the moment which has mystified a few people. Difficult to tell them that it's still part of the erasing process.

Make the most of your good days and get through the bad days best you can. Good luck.

iamtoooldforallofthis · 19/02/2014 14:17

i am so sorry you are having to do this....its bloody awful, but you are doing the right thing because once its gone its gone and you wont come across them ever again.

louby44 · 19/02/2014 15:53

It's just all the stuff in your head you have to cope with. That's my problem, the 'stuff' can be thrown away but it takes time for the memories to fade.

fairiesatthebottomofthegarden · 19/02/2014 16:10

I am not in the house so it's a bit different but all the wedding pics, cards, photographs etc have been put in a box and gone up in the attic for the children to look at when they are older and they wish to. All the stuff he gave me - rings, clothes, soft bear, coat and just stuff that reminds me of him has all gone, made a few pennies but as other posters have said it's the memories in your head that are harder to dispel Thanks

Minime85 · 19/02/2014 17:07

ah I can hand hold too I've been finding things like that today. having huge clear out and redecorating . new carpet new wallpapers etc. been up attic and lots of weddings things. put some more photos etc up there today too. I've felt a bit numb about it all today. I've broken my heart over it a fortnight ago though!

I try too to think we were happy then and hope in years to come I will just think that and not be annoyed or bitter. although I think part of me will always be a bit broken from it all. hope you're doing ok Thanks

Original poster
nowit · 19/02/2014 17:08

Well the kitchen is well and truly clean and tidy which makes me very happy. Painting yet to do but certainly feel much better. Lots of sobbing along the way but time now for a long bath with my nice smellies as the DC aren't around and I may have some Wine tonight too.

Thanks all for the hand holding, very very much appreciated.

OP posts:
Cabrinha · 19/02/2014 17:15

You know what?
I don't give a monkeys about my parents stuff!
Seriously.
Your kids won't care about a champagne cork.
I've kept my wedding album for my daughter, and that's it. Oh - and there are some photos of her with her dad - very few with the 3 of us as one of us it generally behind the camera.
Stick a few things in a box, let the tears flow, then enjoy the fact you've removed it all!
Even when you haven't split, there's such a freedom in decluttering!