I lost my best friend and years on am still struggling to get over it.

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This is quite long, so apologies.

I was best friends with a girl since I was 9, we were really close and we went through all the milestones that friends go through together when they are young. Think of that friend you have who is the closest person to you, for me that was her.

So we moved in together when I was in my last year of college, with my boyfriend and two other boys, we all lived here for a year and everything was great except I was leaving to go to university at the end of that year, intending on having a long term relationship with my boyfriend.

So I moved away and a few months later sadly me and my boyfriend split up. I ended the relationship. He was distraught and I felt awful but I wasn't happy anymore and struggling with the long distance, I still loved him very much but I didnt feel like I was IN love with him anymore. So this happened in February.

Bearing in mind me and the ex had been together for 3.4 years.. ONE MONTH LATER secretly my best friend and my ex boyfriend got together. I found out accidentally in April (they didn't tell me) I was absolutely gutted and livid with both of them especially my friend. My ex said it was a huge mistake and it was me he loved, he said it was over between them.
I was furious with my friend but decided that I had to give her another chance, I tried so hard. But in August I found out again that they were still together (again they didn't tell me)

After this I cut them both out of my life, I was so hurt. All of this happened in 2010. It's four years later and it is still tearing me up inside! I miss her so much and some days I think I can forgive her and other days I feel so angry with her. I just don't understand how a girl can do this to her best friend! I know I certainly couldn't.

Is it weird how this still affects me so badly?

You could just email her and say ' look, I know I was a twat about Gary but do you want to meet for a glass of wine?'

Did it not occur to you that they probably got together due to spending so much time together 'missing' you?

It's a common enough eventuality when someone leaves, either by moving away or by dying.

I know someone who married her former fiancé's twin brother several years after her fiancé's death. Grief brought them together. Eventually the first happiness they found was with each other.

I think this can happen at this age as you are all moving in and out of relationships so quickly. It's such a formative time. Something similar happened with a group of school friends and now, at 40, it feels ridiculous that the first friend is still angry. Everyone's moved on, had families, had kids. Friend's 'friend' and ex are still together and happily married.

I think it is understandable that you were furious at the time but also understandable that you maybe want to hold onto such an important childhood friendship. In your early twenties you're still figuring out who you are and that means that people (ie your friend and ex) might handle things badly due to inexperience rather than malice.

Perhaps it's worth meeting up again cautiously and seeing if there is still a friendship there to be rekindled?

You'd broken up with him. Is it so bad she wanted your leftovers?

Sorry, but you chucked him. He moved on. I don't think your burning resentment is justified. He was free to go out with whoever he wanted - and in fact even if he'd been the one to finish with you, the fact is you didn't, any more, have the right to object.

Actually, more accurately, you finished with both of them.

I had a big falling out with my best friend when I was 19. Basically she had just had a baby, I was in an abusive relationship and persuaded to have an abortion she didn't agree with. She cut me out. She got her mum to ring me to tell me to fuck off and leave her alone for good. I was devastated. I ended up staying with the abusive fecker for another year before moving counties to get away from him.

Buuuuuuuut, basically I got to 4 years on and wanted to get in touch. So I emailed. And she replied. And we had coffee. Was weird but nice, nothing was spoken about other than hormones and apologies really but it was enough.

We're now friends on FB and meet up once a year or so for coffee? Its sad its not more, but it did help I think both of us and although I miss her friendship its now 12 years on.

But I would say if you miss her, and want to speak to her, email her. Look her up on FB and msg her. Don't try and trawl over the past though, don't bring it all back up. Just say hi.

Yes, I agree with the last poster too.

There's a lot of moralizing on this thread but for me this isn't about who was/is right or wrong. She was someone special to you, you miss her … why not reach out ? But you can't make contact with an agenda full of anger and desire for apologies (I'm not saying you have these). If you are able to just accept what she is now and to try to build something from there then go for it. YOu may rebuild a rich relationship or you may get hurt but it's always worth a try.

Good luck.