Please help me be brave & confront H (title edited by MNHQ)

[januarycat]

On the advice of my solicitor, I need to ask H if he would prefer to get CSA involved or sort something out (temporarily) between us regarding child maintenance.

He hasn't paid anything into my bank account since before christmas. We have always lived in seperate houses. 10 yrs ago I gave up a career to bring up our DCs (aged 10 & 2). He said from the start that he knew how important my independence was & would always pay above what I could earn.

He has paid the same amount monthly over the past 10yrs, even though bills have increased & I have subsidised the income with my savings.

.....to the extent that I no longer have any savings.

I am now totally dependent on him financially.
He is angry with me - withholding money. Its almost 8 weeks now - I'm selling things on ebay but I'm in a lot of debt because of this - surviving on my overdraft, which now has £2 approx available. i'm juggling debts.

I can't believe I have been so stupid to be in this situation now. I think my solicitor is a good one, although expensive. She has experience of dealing with dom violence cases. BUT I am just so very scared. he isn't physically violent (apart from when i have woken up & he was having sex with me - I can only confide that here - never in RL) but 3yrs ago when i wanted to get divorced persuaded me not to with threats to take the DCs. he is now doing what I think is thinly veiled threats - telling the DCs they are australian (H has dual (UK & OZ) citizenship. he recently got OZ citizenship for DCs.

I'm sorry that this is all over the place. My instincts are telling me for some reason I need to act quickly (???)

He's gone

He's in a ranting mood at the moment. He has a key to our house (he lives a couple of miles away. The house I live in with DCs is jointly owned, his is in his name only) & walked into my bedroom 8am this morning
I had no idea he was even in the house.

Im too scared to ask him for the key back.

You need to change that situation sharpish. My house was my marital home and when my ex left he used to let himself in all the time. Once he got cross because he turned up early with our daughter and I had a couple of latches across the door, he broke them off and forced the door open so at that point I logged it with the police although did nothing. I was too lenient, for nearly a year my ex was letting himself in and going through my things when he knew I was away and I used to have to take all my financial and private documents etc away with me, regularly change the computer password, that sort of thing. It was horrible, an invasion of privacy and a deliberate sneer at me basically. I didn't want to cause trouble and knew you are not supposed to change the locks etc on a joint owned home but the relief when I actually finally did it (on advice of police and solicitors) was just LOVELY. It is awkward that my six year old is aware her dad is not allowed over the threshold because 'he was naughty and didn't say sorry' basically but honestly, you do have some rights here and he is behaving entirely unreasonably.

Can you change the locks? You can use ncdv to get orders relating to the house too.

I wasn't sure if by 'living in separate houses' the OP meant that where she lived completely belonged to her or was joint owned if I'm honest. If its hers then she should get a locksmith round first thing tomorrow. She could even lie to her ex if necessary and say she had her bag and key stolen and as there were address identifiers in the bag it was safest to change the whole lock.
If the house is jointly owned then it is a little more difficult but a solicitor can send a letter asking him not to enter the house again without express permission each time on grounds of privacy etc and it is only when he breaks this that you can take action really (as I did).

Januarycat - apologies, I'm not clear which country you are in. If UK and suspect your H of wanting to take the children out of the country to Oz or indeed just threatening to do so in order to stop you asking for things, then I would seriously consider speaking to your solicitor about this. You can, fairly easily, obtain emergency court orders to prevent such action on his part. You will need to return to court at a later date to discuss them further (with him there as well) but if you do fear that your children may be abducted than it's something I'd recommend ASAP.

I'm in the UK.
I jointly own the house I live in with H.

I made a complete idiot of myself today at the doctors by crying. I needed to up my ADs as I'm finding all this very difficult to deal with.

I gave GP a form from my solicitor regarding DV & legal aid. I need 'evidence' of DV - a letter from GP to say i'm on ADs due to being in abusive relationship. BUT because I didn't initially tell GP about DV when I first went on ADs, she will not sign a letter to say as such.

I can see her point. I tried to explain the situation - that I couldn't tell anyone, I was ashamed. I initially told gp that I was depressed because of PMT as it was far easier than admitting to DV. To be honest, at the time I didn't connect the depression with my relationship with H - I thought it was all my fault (he told me it was ME).

I'm 43 ffs & cried all the 4 mile walk home because I feel that I'm letting the DCs down (no transport - H won't pay the car tax for my car, I cant even afford to take the bus - it's now over 2mths since he transfered any money into my account).

BUT all this has made me realise what a shit H is.

I now have no proof of Dv - that was my only hope of getting legal aid.

Well, he's been financially abusing you and still is. That is dv.

Ring Women's Aid. Talk to them, get as much support in rl as you can. WA won't tell anyone else unless you want them to, but they will help you out of the FOG and help you get the help you need.

Oh, also, there's a thing called a Gorensic Accountant. Expensive, but adept at tracing money. Should you win the lottery employ one to dig up all his money so you get a fair wack.

I don't know much about this but I think you can get legal aid if there is domestic violence or abuse I would argue that failing to support his wife and children is abuse.

Have you got any text messages or emails you could use to start to put a case together? Could you email him, reiterating that your marriage is over, and ask him to reconsider his refusal to pay maintenance. Put times, dates, amount of previous regular payments and when they stopped.You might get a useful reply? Or he might not reply to deny it.

It's a shitty situation and I wish you well.

Charlesroi advice on the email is a good one.
Also bank statements will show what the payments used to be, how regular they were and when they stopped.
If your stbxh tries to take the children to Australia, he will be guilty of abduction, as he would be removing them from where they are domiciled.

For legal aid I had to have a statement from GP re DV. Emails would not count even the ones from my Relate counsellor urging me to contact womens aid as she was concerned with regard to DV & my safety.

Although my solicitor seemed to think that the majority of GPs are now 'really informed' with regard to DV & the fact that DV = emotional, financial, verbal, physical abuse etc. my gp still asked me when i last reported any physical injuries to them.

I never have, because i don't have visible injuries. the only injuries i have are the ones that no one ever sees.

Your gp is badly out of touch. You could complain to the practice manager. Really, a practice should ensure all its staff are up to date.

(for Gorensic in my previous post, of I meant Forensic )

It really is one of the worst injustices of our legal system when women in these horrible situations are put in impossible situations regarding money/legal fees etc. So sorry your GP was useless JanCat. There will be a way out of this eventually...

It isn't strictly incorrect advice from the GP. They have to give details of injuries or conditions caused by abuse. Psychological conditions count though so if you have suffered anxiety or depression or panic attack etc that should count as relevant evidence.

They should really have agreed it but you could maybe take the emails and relate advice back to the GP and try again?

Having a positive day today!

This am I have written a letter to GP practice manager asking for help.
I DO have emails & texts from H which Im hoping can be used a evidence of abuse.

Y'day I posted off applications for child tax credit & income support. CSA said they would be contacting H this week.

Not as worried as I was about him taking the DCs as Hs
mum is hospital for the forseeable. He would not leave the country as they are very close.

Regardless of the current situation, check with your solicitor what you can do in relation to the possibility of him leaving the country with the children.

As you are divorcing, I'd imagine you could contact border services to let them know that you do not allow the children to be taken abroad. Or get an emergency order to prevent them from leaving the country.

I can only tell from my experience in another country, but emails and text messages were taken as evidence of abuse (post separation), as did the fact that he took all the money from the joint accounts. Him not paying you child maintenance is financial abuse.

Glad you are feeling happier. I hope all gets sorted out.

I don't think he will be able to take the dc out of the country without a written letter of consent from the mother. Same goes for mothers takig children - they need consent from the father. (In the UK, anyway)

Still, it wouldn't hurt to contanct the border agency to advise a 'flight risk'!

Captain, that's not true. XH and I often travel with ds separately. I have to carry his bc (different surname) but neither of us have to carry a letter from the other.

It's not worth the risk, is it? You don't want to find out the rules about travelling with children through actual experience! Ask your solicitor and get whatever documentation you need done asap.

Glad you're feeling positive atm, it makes all the difference. You've done a lot in a short time, haven't you? Good on you! Well done!

yes, you're right - i need to ensure he cannot take them out of the country.