Rebuilding our Marriage after he cheated on me

[PR1104]

Last year i found out my husband was having an affair since then I find it very hard to trust him when he is on the phone, net or at work. I just get so worked up that maybe he is talking to anoher woman again. I have lost all my confidenace and just feel so totally insecure. I can't go to my parents as it would really destroy them I'm too ashmed to tell my friends and I just feel so totally alone.

The only happiness I have is the baby growing inside me I am just scared that it won't love me like I feel my husband does'nt anymore. I'm so tired of being strong all the time i'm just not that woman anymore, i know its not my hormones talking i just want to be happy again and in love with my husband. How do i move forward and rebuild our marriage

how do I move forward and rebuild our marriage

What did he say?

(plus sympathies)

he said he had a chance with her but he never did anything as he loved me and wants to be with me.

Is he denying he had an affair? (sorry if I'm being slow)

Tell us a bit about the affair and how you found out.

Yes, I think more details are needed. However I'll hazard a guess that he suffered no, or few, consequences for his betrayal; he did little or nothing to earn back your trust; you have not been allowed to be upset or angry and you have been told you should be over it by now?

What's he trying to do to rebuild your trust?

Tell us about how he reacted when you found out about the affair and what happened then.

Is he open and transparent now? Are you able to access his phone/email anytime?

Does he talk about the affair? is he willing to answer your questions over and over again?

Has he sought counselling? read books? worked on himself to address his character failings that led to him cheating?

Forgive me for getting this from another thread but I recognised your username. You said on another thread; "Sometimes I just feel lie I am never good enough for him I do everything work full time, pay the mortgage, cook clean and he hardly contributes when I ask him about money he gets angry so I don't say anything anymore."

Your problems are so much bigger than just the affair.

I don't think this relationship is rescuable and I think you should kick him out and go it alone before the baby comes as it will be so much harder to do after and your labour/postnatal period will be tougher than it would be if you were alone (can set up other more reliable support).

Why are you ashamed? He is the one who is a lousy faithless husband, not you. The shame is entirely his. By keeping quiet and keeping his nasty secret you are giving him tacit permission to do it all over again. BTW... it's bollocks that he chose you over her. She will have knocked him back and he'll be looking for a replacement.

I'm sorry you've had such a shock and that your confidence is so low that you think you have to tolerate this treatment. Please talk to others, stop thinking in terms of 'shame' and find your anger.

OP come and talk to us about this, you don't have to make any decisions straight away but we are here to listen if you need it.

Not sure how far along you are in your pregnancy but I'm really sorry you've discovered this. I hate the 'i had the chance but didn't take it' line, are you supposed to be grateful?

Concentrate on bump of course, and maybe like the other's say look in to your options. And please don't be too afraid to tell your friends. You might be surprised at how many of them have been keeping things to themselves as well... put a bit of trust in them and know that if they're real friends they'll just listen and not judge (all though expect a bit of 'BASTARD!!!!' talk) x

Thank you for all your support,I have a few things to think about I guess.

I found out by looking through his phone, I have never had any reason to do so I just was looking, I saw a few messages. I don't think he had a full blown affair with this lady so he says, it more like an emotional affair to me.

The upseting part is that we had to fight a few a battles to be with each other and our parents finally agreed that we could get married to each other. I left my home, family and friends to be with him. I guess our culture plays a part as to why I can't really say anything to family members I just don't have any support.

I recognise that I would probably feel worse after the baby is born, I am trying to stay positive and concerntrate on the baby.

I don't know what he has done to rebuild trust in out marriage I don't have open access to his phone or emails. We talked about it afterwards he didnt want to see a councillor i feel like he doesnt want to talk about it anymore, I don't too as I just want to move on with life and put everything behind me. Sometimes I just fel totally alone and feel like I have no one I just want to be me again, its a sad feeling. I thought about going to the doctors about but i'm scared they will take my baby away from me once its born or think im not fit to be a mum.

Other men look at me and find me attractive they say to me how lucky my husband is, I'm not interested in other men, I take my marriage serious. I have learnt that there is no happy ever after anymore its all just a dream that we all hope for one day.

Sounds like the first affair was never addressed properly and that it was swept under the carpet. I know you both want to move on but until you have dealt with this, it will be hard to trust him.

Why isn't he providing open access to his emails/phone etc?

You both need to talk about what actions he can do to help rebuild the trust. He needs to work hard to prove he can be trusted and that he has established his boundaries.

It's clear from the outside that he is not taking responsibility for what he has done and is, in all likelihood, carrying on. He knows that you have no family support and he thinks that you are 'stuck' with him whether you like it or not.

However, being in the middle of all of this, it's probably not so clear to you. The best thing you can do is keep talking. Here, with friends, and with him if he will talk about it.

You would be very reasonable to say that you want access to his phone as you have lost all trust in him because he cheated. But he could just delete all messages, so that won't help.

Your feelings are perfectly normal and rational. Please do go to your gp if you want to, they will not take your child off you. Ask your gp to refer you for counselling on your own so that you can talk it over with someone in real life.

You are not alone, there is a lot of good support and advice here on mn if you ask for it. Keep posting x

"The upseting part is that we had to fight a few a battles to be with each other and our parents finally agreed that we could get married to each other. I left my home, family and friends to be with him"

It sounds as though this relationship has been run along romantic lines so far... and life is not a rom-com. There is such a thing as happy ever after, however, but it comes from things like integrity, self-respect and assertiveness.... not from pinning all your hopes on someone that has showed themselves to be untrustworthy.

Your family would support you, you know. You may have to endure a few 'we told you so's' if they didn't like this guy in the first place but what price getting your life back?

" I thought about going to the doctors about but i'm scared they will take my baby away from me once its born or think im not fit to be a mum."

They don't take babies away from mothers just because they are upset. Ante-natal and post-natal depression are recognised and treatable conditions.... not reasons to remove children. However, in your case, the source of your sadness is sitting there right in front of you and you don't need medication to get rid of it.

Please reach out for support from the GP, they won't take your baby away. They have no reason to.

Could you speak to women's aid on 0808 2000 247?

I think there is a lot more going on here than just an affair.