I can't even bring myself to speak to my husband anymore.

[MrsZippy]

We have been together for 16 years. I don't even know where to begin, he's very work driven. I work PT and do all the childcare/housework blah blah blah. This doesn't bother me.

Recently though things have just deteriorated. He comes home from work, barely speaks to the children or asks how they are. First thing he said to ds1 (15) tonight was to take the dog out, nothing else.

I've tried speaking to him on numerous occasions about taking more of an interest in dc's but he thinks it's a personal attack on him and gets all defensive then storms off.

Financially he pays the bills. I pay for the dc's phones every month and a couple more Direct Debits then buying shoes, clothes etc for dc. I never buy myself anything. We actually argued on my last pay day whilst out shopping because he said he doesn't know what I do with all my money. I work 20 hours pw on minimum wage. Not exactly sitting on a fortune every month.

I don't smoke, drink, go out at all. My whole life is work, kids, work, kids. Don't get me wrong I love my kids, they are the only thing keeping me going right now.

As the title says I can't even speak to him at all. I feel utterly miserable. It's half term here, I'm off work and can't even afford to do anything. At the moment I'm in the bedroom and he's watching football.

It probably reads like a big jumbled up mess but just had to get it down. I just want to scream. I even thought about just walking out the door yesterday and not coming back. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells half the time. The laughter and fun we used to have has just gone and I don't know if it will be back. I just don't know what to do right now.

How's things this morning?

I would class him as financially abusive, also emotionally abusive if you are walking on egg shells.

The atmosphere must be affecting your DC also.

Things are ok this morning, he's at work. I slept in with dd last night as his snoring was driving me mad. I was awake until about 2.30am.

I can actually feel myself slipping into how I felt when I was depressed. The inability to even speak to him, just yes/no replies. I feel full of self pity like I have nothing to look forward to at all. Everywhere I look there are happy families doing things together.

I had planned on taking the dc's out today, just somewhere we could walk the dog and get some fresh air but ds1 doesn't want to, ds2 is at his friends and dd has a friend over. Housework it is then.

No housework, zippy, go do your nails, have a wardrobe cull/arrangement, put some make up on and walk down to the library and choose a book you'd really like to read. :)

Firstly, it IS financial abuse.

Your money should be family money. The reason you have less coming into your account is because you're subsidising him in his earning power - he couldn't have what he has (family, home and good earning job) without YOU making it possible.

So - you should have access to every penny.

If you explained this and calmly said that you were thinking of separation, and the first non-negotiable was full joint access to all monies, what do you think he would say?

I really don't know what he'd say tbh.

If I do ask for money he will give me it but not without moaning first. He can be generous at times and will out if the blue give me money without asking. I think he's under the impression I buy myself and the children stuff we don't need and I'm blowing my wages every month which I'm not. Now it's just came to the point I won't ask for anything because I can't be arsed arguing.

I'm just going to my friends with dd, I don't want to be here when he gets home. He can cook his own dinner too and just bloody well get on with it.

I went through a phase with DH like this. Life was v busy with work, DCs etc, It thought I was unappreciated as constantly chasing my tail, however, he was feeling totally unappreciated too though I'm sure I had the harder time but it was a fact that the DCs just took him for granted as the money provider, he was never thanked for doing that day in day out. So perhaps try telling DCs he's exhausted and that a bit of appreciation wouldn't go a miss (from all of you) and see if it makes a difference.

Would it be worth keeping a log of your expenditure one month so you can show him how much of your meagre income goes on the DC? At least then you have some ammunition for him increasing the amount he puts into the family pot.

I'm frightened by how many stories here revolve around financial issues in a relationship. I couldn't bring myself to comment on the kitchen caddy thread because I refuse to acknowledge these things really happen. I'm sorry but I find the whole idea of being "given money" by my DP/DH (and viceversa) quite cringing. Surely in a mutual respect relationship between two adults who care about each other (I won't even say "love") you shouldn't have to ask for money or justify your spending? I've been with DP for 5 years and we have shared money pretty much from the very beginning, although I earn more and have less expenses (he has DC from a previous marriage). I might sound quite shallow, but for me having separate money would definitely be a deal breaker. Of course, you have 3 DC so I understand that things are not that simple but I really don't understand why someone would want to be in a relationship with another adult who is too selfish to share (be it earnings, time etc).

I think maggiemights approach is a good one. I think men can be quite fragile and sensitive especially after dcs come along (not justifying it just saying). They need their ego massaged and to feel appreciated, then he might reciprocate and be more willing to listen. I know you shouldn't have to do this cos he should be doing the same for you but someone has to try and break the cycle and I don't think it'll be him.

Your 35??? He's turning you into an old woman. Get out, please. Your best years are ahead of you, but not if you stay with him, it'll just be more of the same :(

I work PT and do all the childcare/housework blah blah blah. This doesn't bother me.

I think it ought to bother you somewhat, in the circumstances. What does he really contribute to you and your family? From here, it looks like shelter, and a food allowance! You can't even say he pays the food bills, because you say you have to make it last. Or justify needing more cash in some way. This is very bad.

You and DC appear to be a largely self financing unit. You should not have to pay for clothes and trips for DC entirely from your own money, and have nothing for yourself at all. You are pt, min wage, and part of a family! Not only that, you do all the childcare and housework. So what is he for?

How does he justify this situation to you, or to others?

Even if you don't actually "share" the finances, you should both have an idea of how much each earns and where they spend the money.
In particular, common expenses, such as household bills and children, and others such as commuting, should be pooled or shared in a way that it leaves each person with the same spare money or personal money.
The same should happen with time.

At the moment, it sounds very unequal, you get to do all the work at home and he gets to keep all the spare money.

It sounds like you should sit with him and work out full financial disclosure and planning, as well as house work share, or he could be doing the same thing with a solicitor.

I agree it sounds like you are really struggling financially while he isn't. That's not right. Can you make a spread sheet of your incomings and outgoings and show him and get him to do the same and then work it so it is fair. E.g a joint account you can both use. It must be humiliating to have to ask for money. If it is put to him in black and white just how much you are over stretched financially compared to him maybe he see he is being unfair and will change.

And does he have a hobby he could share with the kids so that he gets to be a more hands on dad?

I'll have a proper read of posts tomorrow, but just glancing through them it seems a majority think he is being unfair.

I went to my friends until 6.30 this evening then she came here for a bit and we had a few glasses of wine and a laugh. He watched football with dc's then popped in to kitchen where we were going on to my friend about how tired he is from working. Then he went to bed.

I don't even know what I feel anymore.

Tallwivglasses, your post stood out and made me think. I'm 35 but feel 55.

I probably shouldn't drink either as it doesn't help, just accentuates the situation. I have been thinking of everything to try and get myself out if this mess and I mean everything.

Money should be joint when you run a home and have DCs.

I can't see how keeping it separate would work, does he eat steak while everyone else has just chips?

When you say you've been thinking if everything what kind of things have you been thinking of?

How's your head this morning?

Hey, Mrs Z I hope my post wasn't too negative. It's just I noticed that every post you made reeks of weariness. You know what - I'd put money on me being the happier out of the two of us - I'm single with more social life than I've got time for, skint but so what? and 55 next birthday.

Don't settle for this as your lot, there's so much more out there - reach out and claim it as rightfully yours x

Eek, I didn't mean to kill your thread! Hope things are going okay, Mrs Z...

Funny that, I'm 55 and feel 35. I'm divorced. It helps.

hunny so important to believe in yourself! Just tell him how you feel, all your inner anguish, all your freaky super freaky weird feels, jus tell him! He'll understand if he understands! x x x

PS. A padded bra never hurt nobody!!!!!!?

4 year old Zombie - hunny.

Know how you feel got similar issues myself. Sometimes I can't be bothered with him and then I remember a lot of it is down to my reactions and I get depressed myself. So I go out or talk to girlfriends or just get myself in a better frame of mind and try to be loving like we used to be all the time. He soon comes round and peace comes back for a while. A lot of this crap we fight about is preserving pride and truly I feel it's always me making compromises. But what's the alternative run away, get a divorce start again. No not really. It's finding each other on some neutral ground and have a peace stick, so whoever is holding the peace stick can talk without the other reacting or interrupting. It does work but sometimes I can't stand him even though I love him

A zombie thread but l wonder how @MrsZippy is