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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So date night went ok...

9 replies

Originalname11 · 18/02/2014 20:37

Hopefully you'll remember me, ignored by husband, trying to fix, friendly with male colleague. Was shocked when some mnetters said he was the OM.
But the next date isn't for about a month and day to day doesn't feel much better than before.
I am trying here but I'm just not feeling very connected at the moment. I've asked H to think about what he wants from our relationship as it's all about what I want at the moment... He looked all surprised & I had to almost force him to promise to have a think and let me know.
Have had a long, hard think about male work colleague. Yes, I got a crush as he showed me some attention, but I'm over that now and we are friends with nothing more. He's become more of a big brother type, and along with my female friends is supporting me through this by listening and sometimes offering advice.
So help please. What else can I try? How do I get H to put some effort in??

OP posts:

Original poster

Originalname11 · 18/02/2014 20:54

Bump...

OP posts:

Original poster

Originalname11 · 19/02/2014 08:45

Anyone?

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2014 08:53

You can't get anyone to make an effort over anything unless you provide them with some kind of incentive. Even then, they have to find their own motivation. If your DH thinks all is rosy in the relationship.... and I'm going by his surprised reaction to your conversation... then he's appears to have neither incentive or motivation to behave any differently.

I don't remember the details. Has your DH ever been enthusiastic about your marriage or has he always behaved the same way towards you? If he ignores you, is this a recent thing?

Original poster

Originalname11 · 19/02/2014 12:23

We were living together for a long time before DD came along and we got married this year. He slowly been withdrawing from me, and putting all his energy into DD. I've finally woken up and I'm trying to change things but it seems to be all about me at the moment, he's not really engaging with this process. We had a massive heart to heart a couple of weeks ago where I said I was contemplating leaving if things didn't improve. He felt this was a bolt from the blue, was upset for a couple of days but quickly relaxed back into his old ways. So discussion yesterday was me trying to bring it back to the fore again. I need things to change.

OP posts:

AnyFuckerHQ · 19/02/2014 12:28

Tell him about your emotional affair with another man ?

At least he is aware of what he is up against then.

It's not a level playing field, love, if you have such drastic secrets from him.

It's a thought

Original poster

Originalname11 · 19/02/2014 12:44

Sorry AF? There is no emotional affair. I have checked the web sites frequently quoted here and my H knows all about my friend, he knows we chat, I've shown him the sort of messages we send, I'm totally open about it. There is nothing sexual or inappropriate, we chat the same way I chat with my girl friends. This is not about my friend, this is about my H not getting engaged in this process of change.

OP posts:

MadBusLady · 19/02/2014 13:05

I guess the point is he needs to know there was a crush and how you wound up in a position where you developed one. Otherwise it's just you protecting your own self image rather than explaining the narrative of what has gone on.

maggiemight · 19/02/2014 14:05

I don't remember your last thread. But I would say we all have baggage, emotional and otherwise, which we bring to a marriage, in fact the baggage and what you see or think you see in another person can be a mirror of yourself. Underneath the face we show the world, the baggage can be v similar. Unfortunately you don't recognize this as you have both married the face (or believe you have).

Certainly this was the case in my marriage, my strong capable DH had a lot of 'needs' under the strong front he showed the world, as had I, though it took a few decades to work this out.

So perhaps this is about you understanding yourself first, which might lead to more understanding of DH.

AnyFuckerHQ · 19/02/2014 16:02

You had a crush on a OM because he showed you attention. You share things with him that you don't with your H (even if you make the texts available, it is still an interaction he is excluded from). It is, or certainly was, an EA.

Your marriage cannot improve before you give your H all the information that you have. Stalemate. Which is precisely where you are. Maybe tellign your H the depth (or close shave) of feelings you shared with OM would give him the kick up the ass you think he needs. Or maybe he will walk. Either way, he makes an informed decision and you get some action one way or the other instead of this frustrating impasse.

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