Strained relationship with son - desperate

[Nip1958]

This evening my son is visiting me at home - my husband is away. I'm not sure how to handle the visit. I feel ashamed that it has got to this sorry situation. My son met his wife who he had know at school. He had only one other short relationship and spent most of his time playing computer games or buying cars. Not unusual - he did need a boot up the bum to get suitable work but we did what we could and bailed him out financially until he got a good job. His girlfriend had been married before and has 2 lovely little girls - she is quite moody though and bossy. Before my son never spent a lot of time with us or his brother often out or online with his mates - when he suddenly started turning up with girlfriend we were expected to stop and 'entertain' all a bit foreign to us with him! It became more regular, and as my husband worked away all week we would often plan to do stuff together but this would be curtailed by sudden visits. Which did get annoying as girlfriend would play on her phone, and we would play with the children. I decided that if I had plans I would carry on with them - this was seen as offensive by girlfriend. I had asked if they could phone before they came, but this was never done. My son sold his house which we had provided the deposit and moved in with girlfriend, we were invited to a birthday party of one of the girls but were not included in the conversation about weddings - so we chatted to grandparents and children - we paid a deposit on wedding venue as they asked for money. A few months later we had a call to visit them with her parents. I had a bad feeling about it and made an excuse, but my husband went. He was met with a torrent of abuse saying we don't respect said daughter. This really upset us lots of stuff was said none pleasant wedding was cancelled. Then out of the blue they said they were getting married my son came to tell us where and when - we were unsure about going to which son took as a no - next day we said we would go to the service but not reception as that would be awkward. But he had told girlfriend we weren't going - when he said we were she was very cross - so we didn't go.
Then we hear second hand that they are expecting a baby in 3 months time - our first grandchild. I haven't seen my son for over 6 months even though he lives in the same county - we have to prise the news from him- he rarely responds to txts and we mustn't phone him as now wife gets upset. Now baby is born - its been a month, and we still haven't seen him. We have gifts and friends keep asking us, but I have no news just one small photo sent to my phone.
There are two versions of this story of course, but this is how I see things. I am struggling with the pain of being left out of my sons life, my husband would love to see his grandson, but nothing seems to improve. We suggested family counselling, but this went down like a lead balloon. If I talk to my friends they offer so much sympathy and are so sorry for me it just doesn't feel constructive.
Any advice from people who have dealt with a similar situation would be so much appreciated.

Some of the stuff you mention I can sympathise with, like wanting visits that last much of the day to be organised in advance. I'm busy most weekends and can't just cancel stuff on a regular basis because a relative pops round. if it was one of my kids I'd expect to be able to discuss this with them and them to love and understand me enough to phone or text in advance. The fact that your son didn't do this but got huffy sounds odd, but maybe you were never straight with the "I love seeing you but also have my own stuff to do on a weekend can we arrange visits in advance so it's convenient for all of us not just you" might have been better received than you just getting on with what you had planned.
It sounds as though you don't discuss situations to try and resolve them but go for the ostrich approach and avoid them. You didn't support your husband and avoided the meeting with your son's future inlaws, which could have been a good time to clarify matters and try and improve relationships and make it clear you have nothing against his partner, and you avoided the wedding which must have hurt your son and his partner.
I hope things went well this evening. I agree with others that I'd be apologising and trying to build bridges, and also saying you want to keep in contact and asking him the best way for you to contact him if his wife doesn't like you phoning, although I'm surprised he doesn't have a mobile or email address. You are going to have to accept them as a couple though.

Without knowing anything really about the individuals involved there could be so many interpretations of the op's account of things. We all react to/interpret things according to our own experience and personality.

My take on the op would be:

ds's gf's starting point was that you might not welcome her as she had already been married and had kids. So she was probably looking for evidence of this which made her appear moody.

ds was keen to show off his new family and thought you'd enjoy spending time with young children. He was aware of your previous disapproval of his failure to make anything with his life and wanted to show off his new family and how grown up he was. He still thought of your home as his home and didn't think he had to make appointments. As the mother of mid-late teenage boys I'm used to girl friends coming to stay unannounced. But they certainly don't expect to be entertained and, if dh and I are doing something else, we just get on and do it.

So the gf took offence at what she perceived to be your reluctance to have them visit. Clearly a case of miscommunication. This festered and she grumbled about it to her own parents. You sensed something was up but bottled out of resolving it by not turning up when invited. That would have been the opportunity to set things right. Whatever you think of the gf or her parents, it would have been the time to eat humble pie for your son's sake and for the sake of your future relationship with him.

Then ds came to tell you where and when they were getting married and you were "unsure". Really????!! You were unsure about going to your own son's wedding? No wonder they were both offended. And then you said you would go to the wedding but not the reception because it would be "awkward". Should you not have been thinking entirely about what your son would want rather than how you might feel? And then you didn't go at all because the gf was cross?

There have been several points where you could have reigned this in and stopped it escalating. Of course whatever you do now it will look like you're just trying to make amends so you can get to see your grandchild. I think if i was in your shoes I would throw myself on her mercy and ring her up/visit her and say something like, "look, I know I've behaved like an absolute fool and you must think I'm a complete idiot. I'm really bad at expressing myself/ confronting issues and i've just let this whole situation get completely out of hand. I should never have let things get to this state. Is there any way we could put the past behind us and start again?" I'm not saying it is all your fault, just that taking the blame might be a way to heal the rift.