Should I stay for the kids or should I go?

[AmeliaAmelia]

Good evening, I know that sometimes we discuss here if a woman should leave quite good relationship with kids if she's not in love with her husband, usually the answer is. "Leave, be happy, kids will adapt and they will want u to be happy" however is it really the best thing to do?
I came across a thread about the subject above where women for the first time were advising to stay and put children's needs first etc.
I cant find this thread anymore :/
Anyway....
I'm 30 year old, 2 toddler sons, husband of 8 years, I love him and feel comfortable with him but no longer in love with him.
We have been through shit in our relationship, we used to argue and fight a lot, nasty stuff, many times I thought of leaving, but as a sahm was too scared to do it. Now boys r tiny big bigger, my husband got much better, but I remember all the nasty stuff from the past and how he wasnt there for me when the boys were tiny... Now I want to go back to work, meet friends , go to theatre, dance around living room like a mad woman with my boys, I have somehow grown as a woman. I want to live!
I'm thinking about leaving dh but what would be the reason now? He's so good now :/ I know I sound selfish, just wanted to hear your opinion ladies... x

Being on the opposite end of this, having a good life etc can be devastating. My H has left, he is bored, not in love with me etc. Left a path of devastation.

As someone said once " if you think the grass is greener on the other side then your own garden needs tending".

Try and sort your life out, you family deserves it - get a job, dance with the boys, take DH to the theatre .... Try and reconnect

Similar position. My DH is fundamentally a "good guy" but I also cannot let go of things that happened in the past.
We currently live in the same house but not as a couple.
It has to be your decision though. Can you get past the past IYSWIM?
BTW if you are already envisioning life with just you and your DCs then you seem to have made your mind up already.

Although if your DH is nasty that puts a different spin on it

Why wasn't he there for you when the boys were tiny?

Were there times when you were both nasty or was it honestly just him?

In what way do you think children benefit from you being unhappy with someone you don't love? Do you think they would thank you for sacrificing your life for them or do you think they will feel very guilty and messed up? Ending a relationship is just that, the end of the relationship. It doesn't end either of your parenting relationships with the dc, just your romantic relationship with each other.

No, I don't think it is ever ok or best for the children to stay together when you are unhappy. Especially not if there has been "nasty stuff".

Amelia, I too wonder what I should do. DH is a good guy, looks after kids and family but I feel I am not his wife, just the mother of his kids. Wonder if it is just a phase, 7/8 years of marriage. Keep thinking it will be easier when kids grow up but feel so lonely atm. Hugs to you.

Sounds like two separate issues. You can't forgive the past - which may be fair enough, but have you tried? Maybe try and see. And living a 'bigger' life now the kids are getting bigger is totally normal and there's no absolute reason you can't do this while married - try it; if husband comes along for the ride (or at least is happy for you to do so), maybe staying is enough? If he starts to rain on your parade, then ditch him. It's tricky I think. Staying for the kids and leaving for yourself are both reasonable options in many situations.

I want to go back to work, meet friends , go to theatre, dance around living room like a mad woman with my boys.

Would your husband not let you do any of this now?

Has someone else caught your eye Op ?
Usually when someone says I love my spouse but I'm not in love with them there's someone new on the scene. You clearly say you need a reason to leave as the old complaints are no longer valid.

If this isn't the case , then simply discussing your old resentments may get you a heartfelt apology . If you want more excitement , a job , going out , there's no reason you can't do those things with your h .

You could try going for counseling alone or together.

But have you come across someone who lights your fire, even though you haven't formed a relationship with them? Hence being disgruntled with DH.

"Now I want to go back to work, meet friends , go to theatre, dance around living room like a mad woman with my boys, I have somehow grown as a woman. I want to live!"

I'd suggest you do all of the above anyway. In a good marriage, people are free to be themselves and their partner supports them. If you feel your life is worthwhile there may still be a place for DH in that life. But if the reason you don't do the above is because your DH holds you back or because you're frightened of his reaction then it's probably a bad marriage. Is it selfish to want a happy life if it means your children have to live under a separate roof to their father and experience shared parenting? I don't think so.

brokenpurpleheart - I'm sorry this has happened to u, really sorry, I think my partner would be devastated if I left, even though he's not very sensitive and told me that I can go if I want to go (in anger)

Amicus & BlueBlackDye - its very hard to live like this, is in it? More like a house mates than married couple, I dont think thats how it meant to be even after 20 years of marriage....

WorraLiberty - he was always out and gone, always said that he cant take day off, he was not helpful and rude, life was hard with him at that time, I used to cry myself to sleep, but I'm sure I was annoying or nasty to him as well in some way. I'm not perfect.

Offred - boys r just toddlers, I think they will be heartbroken, I would have to move out, find job, spend less time with them, their dad and all the visitations stuff, its scary to even think about it....

He got used to me going a bit with girlfriend for a glass of wine or that he has to look after boys (alone) as well but he's totally not interested in my work idea.

He 'got used' to you going out with a friend? And looking after his own children is a given, surely? It doesn't matter than he's not interested in you working. If you want to get a job, get a job. In fact, if you're in two minds about the long-term viability of the relationship, it's very important to have your own income stream and to be reasonably independent.

" I would have to move out, find job, spend less time with them, "

You're making a lot of assumptions here. Have you ever or would you consider booking an appointment with a solicitor (many offer a free half hour initial consultation) and getting a professional opinion on the rights, responsibilities and arrangements that a divorce would mean?

Or go and see CAB.

I agree you need to find out the reality. Weirdly I'm much much better off after the split and am still a SAHM, still in the house. Normal to feel it is too massive a change but looking at the reality helps.

Your marriage sounds terrible, he has so much control over your opportunities. Leaving when the dc are smaller is easier and it only gets harder as they get bigger and have more complicated emotions/thoughts. Of course they will be sad and need to adjust to the change but the smaller the child the better they are at adjusting to change.

Has the 'nasty stuff' stopped because you now just do whatever he tells you?

Op, I've been here. I became a zombie co-parent for two years. Then, when I finally did get a part time job, start going out for drinks with the girls, started living, I realised I couldn't live the half life anymore, my husband couldn't handle the changes and we parted.
Your sons will go to nursery and then school. They will not be broken hearted. You will not necessarily see less of them. They will adapt. And you will live a fuller life.

What your kids need is two happy parents in a mutually respectful partnership.

What they don't need is an unhappy mum and a dad who controls their mum by not allowing her to do what she wants/get a job.

You say if you leave you won't see them so much, but it'll be the same if you stay and get a job. If you want a job then get a job, you don't need permission. The kids will be fine, especially at this young age.

I am the child of parents who stayed together for the kids and I wish my mum had never taken my dad back after he left her for another woman. My poor mother was so unhappy and he treated her like shit. She's now on her own and is much happier and that makes us kids happy.
I left my husband because I was unhappy and it was the best thing I ever did! My kids are happier and so am I and they are glad that we are not together. They love us both but all we did was argue and it made the kids miserable. So for my kids leaving my ex was beneficial to us all.
For my brothers and I staying with my dad was the worst decision and my mother will never forgive herself for making such a huge mistake.
I barely talk to my dad although there is no animosity but I wish she had left sooner and found someone to love her.

I think I made him sound like some sort of monster, he's happy to stay with the boys, the going out bit took time to get used to as I was NEVER out since I gave birth to my first son:/ now I love to go for a dinner with girlfriends, go to the gym alone, switch my brain off from all the family stuff.
He doesnt support my goals, I think he's a bit scared of my new found independence so to speak.
I dont know how to explain this but I'm just hungry for life....
He loves me and I love him, but... Dont know whats for the best... Really worried about our sons, dont know how dh will react to a brake up :( and right now I depend on him financially.

Thank u for all your replies x

If your hungry for life, live it. Don't ask his permission or wait for his support, just get on and do it. If you are dependent on him financially and you don't like that, get a job. If he loves you he will come round to the idea. If he has a problem with the real 'living' you, you'll be better placed to get shot.

All those things you put in your OP that you want to do, you can do while married. You say you love your husband, do you want to stay married or do you really want to split? Could you be happy with him if you did all those things?

You don't need his permission to get a job. Tell him that while you are a mum and wife, you aren't JUST a mum and wife, you are still YOU. Find yourself a job and see how it goes. If you find that the situation is unbearable then you will at least have some financial independance to support yourself and your kids if you do decide to leave.

Op I asked earlier if there was someone else involved . Is there ?

Maybe I'm a bit cynical but if a woman posted on here saying --- my husband has recently started going out with a friend drinking . He's also joined a gym where he goes alone . He keeps trying to find fault with me and has now said he loves me but isn't in love with me .

People would be saying your husband has met someone else .

No Ballerina - I havent met anyone. I'm married so I dont look for anybody, I go to the gym to relax my brain and lose mummy tummy. I didnt go out anywhere for 2 years and I relised that its nice to have a dinner with a girlfriend. Thats all.