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Original poster

Feel very angry with my mother

12 replies

saltire · 07/08/2006 16:02

My mum is 60 in a couple of weeks. We (my brothers and I) had organised a party for her, which she then said she didn't want. So we cancelled. We then decided that the lot of us, us and our families plus mum and step dad would all go out for a meal so we booked it all, and it was arragned that we would go down for the weekend. Then last week she announced
"I hope you haven't planned any family meals or anything, cos if you have i'm NOT going, you can either cancel or go yourselves. And while i'm on the subject, i don't want any presents either"

I am very upset at this, especially as she is always moaning that we never do anything as a family. She was very aggressive in her manner when she said it. We had ordered her a huge bouquet of flowers to be dleivered on her b'day, which DH now wants to cancel, as he says it seems silly to sepnd over £30 on flowers she obviously won ;'t appreciate. Also he is refusing to still go down for the weekend of her birthday, saying "what's the point, she obviously doesn't want us there", and i don't know whether tobuy her anything for her birthday or not, we were all going too club together and get her a tumble dryer!
Am at a loss as to what to do and would appreciate some other opinions

OP posts:
jamiesam · 07/08/2006 16:07

Do you think she's upset about reaching the big 60? Might that be why she's being so touchy? I'm approaching 40 myself (well, next year - that's a lifetime away, right?) and am currently not planning on being sensitive about growing SO old, but who can say?

Perhaps celebrate in the way you did for her 59th birthday?

Or discuss it with her in a 'we don't have any better reasons for getting the family together, can we still have the meal, even if we don't mention your birthday?' That way, if she gets merry on the day, you can have speeches to embarrass her - and if not, it's just a lovely meal out which happens to co-incide with her birthday?

KristinaM · 07/08/2006 16:09

I tend to agree with your Dh. But then I am a heartless witch.NOt saying that you shouldnt be upset though. You obviously really really want to do soemthing special for her.

Is she normally like this about birthdays?

jamiesam · 07/08/2006 16:15

(Should confess that my mum died when she was 55, 18 years ago now, so she can of course do no wrong and is the perfect mum and grandma - sorry, I'm not really living in the real world here am I.)

LaDiDaDi · 07/08/2006 16:17

I'm not sure what you can do but I was wondering if you think that her reaction is because she is upset at being 60, sees it as getting old and isn'thappy about it?

Original poster
saltire · 07/08/2006 16:22

I did wonder if it was because she was reaching 60, but my DB2, who still lives at home (lazy git, but thats another thread) says that she has been getting quite angry about stupid things all the time recently.
She mentioned ages ago going out for a meal with the whole family, - when she could afford to pay for it - her words, not mine. Which is one of the reasons we were going to do it!

OP posts:
Tommy · 07/08/2006 16:22

saltire - are you my sister? Your Mum sounds exactly like mine! They drive you bloody crazy don't they?
No advice - sorry - just empathy

jamiesam · 07/08/2006 16:24

err, I know I hate it my bad moods are blamed on hormones/PMT - but could her anger be hormone/menopause connected???

Original poster
saltire · 09/08/2006 08:40

I have just found out that she having all her friends round for " a few drinks" on the night we had planned to take her out. I am beyond speech at the minute - i put the phone down on her.

OP posts:
throckenholt · 09/08/2006 08:53

did she know it was the night you had planned something ? Maybe she is feeling that you are taking over and she wants to celebrate (or commiserate) in her own way.

How about talking to her again - say we are obviously working at cross purposes here. Ask her if she would like a family celebration - and if so - what sort and what would she like you to do about it. And if not, fine, but can you all arrange a normal family get together because you don't get the chance very often (and you promise no-one will make a big deal of it being near her birthday).

And if you think you can, see if you can find out if anything else is worrying her - your brother's comment suggests something has changed recently for her that she is struggling to cope with - may be something she is worrying about - maybe a health problem.

Whatever - try and make her realise that you are thinking of her and care about her.

Tommy · 09/08/2006 12:53

saltire - are you sure you're not my sister?!

Sorry to be flippant but it sounds exactly like my Mum. If you can, I would just try and ignore it - sounds like she's being childish to me. Buy her a card and present and pop round to see her on the day if you can and leave it at that, I would.

eniad · 10/08/2006 11:05

i think it's a parent's way of saying i don't want any fuss and don't want to be a burden my dad used to say things like that every birthday christmas and anniversary and always had to be dragged screaming and kicking like a kid having a paddy but always had a dam good time when he got there.i think as our parent's get older a slight role reversal takes over and we end up trying to be parents instead of still being there kids but just remember that one day they won't be there as mine aren't now and you miss all the bad things about them as well as the good.xx

suejonez · 10/08/2006 11:10

do you think it's possible that she's worried that no-one has arranged anything for her birthday and this is her way of getting in first? My mum did something similar (though less aggressive) on her 60th so we cancelled and she was terribly upset that no-one had made the effort much.

I know you reap what you sow, but do what you think is the right thing.

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