counselling to repair relationship with brother?

[monkeynuts123]

My relationship with my brother has been very difficult for the best part of 10 years, we have contact, fall out and then have no contact, then one of us (usually me) initiates contact and off it goes again.

I am really tired of this and the drain it brings to my energy and my life. Experience has shown me that he is a bit of a narc, unable to deal with relationships where he's not the boss, and can be vindictive and passive aggressive. But he's still my brother. The past 10 years have been about me refusing to have a relationship entirely on his terms but demanding respect for the differences between us and asserting myself as an equal to him (this he can't bear). I feel sorry for him because I know his relationship style comes from fear but at the same time I am sick of him and exasperated by the relationship. He blows hot and cold as an uncle too which I want to protect my children from, although when he's nice he's great and they do love him. Anyway, the latest is he is sorry for the most recent blow-up where he didn't want me to call him when he babysat and thought I was checking up on him when actually I was just calling to see how they were all getting on. So there was the usual argument which he blew out of all proportion and refused to talk to me (ironic!) for months which actually came as somewhat a relief. So why am I posting? Because the latest is he wants me and him to attend therapy together for 6 weeks to try to get to the bottom of things and move forward. I am torn, part of me thinks he is incapable of a healthy relationship and can't be bothered to indulge it and the other part of me wants peace and after all, he is my brother. What to do wise mumsnetters?

My brother suggested therapy to me recently, oddly as he doesn't seem to have any interest in me. My gut instinct is that he isn't a safe person for me to be around.

I think the counselling idea came up because he had just had relationship counselling with his wife at her request (not sure whether it helped or not - I'm not convinced it did. He refused to go after the free sessions were up, from what I can make out).

I told him that his childhood and my childhood were actually completely different experiences and he needed to look at his own story. Also I have already had counselling because of some of the stuff that happened and frankly I didn't want to go through it all again.

I agree with MrsNec that he sounds like a nightmare. I have a horrible feeling that he would be the same with you as he was with his therapist, and using the context to get you to put your guard down and tell him things he can subsequently make use of.

Don't do it!

I agree with Nmfp too. The main reason I've refused therapy in the past is that I just don't want to go through it all again. Sometimes I feel bad for cutting people out of my life but on the other hand is it not better to only make time for people that have time for you. My contact with my brother at the moment is only the odd email and even that is very reluctantly on both sides.

you said you felt something because he was your brother. Clearly you'd like to have a good relationship with him but jsut find it too hard in practise. So because you kind of want a good relationship I thought "why not give it a go, its 6 weeks and if nothing improves then its only 6 hours lost, she is hardly going to get bullied under if she hasn't so far"

Then I read about his wife having a breakdown, considered him being manipulative and how he could use that against you with teh family and his more-than-failed previous therapy, plus him working in SS given his bullying and cruel nature.

I dont think you will gain anything. He knows it all already, but doesnt want to apply what he knows. More likely to use it against you, as said. You won't gain anything and may loose something.

Having said that I don't think he's the brightest narc in the flowerbed. Otherwise he'd not have repeated what his therapist said about his attacks being relentless and she felt persecuted. Most manipulators only show weakness in order to gain soemthing in the longer term but it's hard to see how he gains from that. But he -has- warned you of what might happen in the therapy - he might very well turn on the therapist again or on you.

Sounds very like my brother. He went nc with me almost a year ago after I dared to challenge him. Our father was a narcissist and I'm pretty sure he is too. I do have contact with his wife and children though so to be honest I'm not overly concerned. There is no benefit at all to me being in any sort of relationship with my brother and I'm resigned to not having one now. The only way I could is to apologise unreservedly ( for nothing) and never disagree with him again - which is soooooo not happening!!!!