Marital Relationship after children

[Ayla]

Just a quickie, do men have a midlife crisis earlier these days? ie 30's. I'm getting the 'I don't love you anymore ,not sure what I want for the future' thing at present. Why? Do you have ANY commitment? Aaaaaarrrgggghhhh ( how v. Bridget Jones)

Ashamed - I was really shocked to read your mail because it is almost exactly my experience, in nearly every detail. I can't believe someone else has been through/done almost word for word the same as me. It feel really wierd to read those terrible things - sorry! - coming from someone else. It's brought back a lot of memories too that I've tried to blot out. I too have found that it has taught me an unforgetable lesson, unfortunately one that I should have been able to learn in an easier way.

I almost felt like I was under a spell at the time. I just couldn't stop myself being lured towards this man. I couldn't get away from him. It was truly a nightmare. And the whole time I was growing more out of love with my husband - you just can't (well, I couldn't anyway) love 2 men, I felt I was even growing to despise my beloved dh.

Now the nightmare is over and I'm once again crazy about dh. I've never seen the man since and don't want too. I never want to go down that path again. Never. I'm actually really wary of getting too friendly with a man now, because I can't believe that happened to me, or that I let it happen, and I'll never risk it happening again.

The only advice I can offer you, desperate from my experience is to be a lot more cagey around men. I know plenty of people will disagree with me. I'm not a raging flirt and certainly never went out looking for an affair and can't believe it happened. You say you've had a couple of incidences that you regret now, so maybe you could addopt some avoidance strategy?

Regret, how do you live with the memories ? Have you forgiven yourself ? I haven't and feel like I probably shouldn't so that I don't ever do it again.... but I wish I could erase that part of my past. And I wish I could marry my husband again... but he would wonder why.... I just have so many regrets...
Desprate... GOOD LUCK !

Ashamed- I find my memory's a wierd thing. I look back on that time with total disbelief. It just doesn't seem real and that it was really me doing all those terrible things. I can't believe I let myself get involved. I feel horror at the damage I could have done (and I suppose still could if dh ever found out).

I really feel it has changed me forever, and like I said, I feel almost uncomfortable talking to men now. This guy I'd known & been friends with for years & it just crept up. I don't want to take any chances.

Desperate, your situation isn't necessarily going to follow the same path, but instead of crying and feeling terrible which I suppose is inevitable, and as well as wondering WHY it's happened, you need to work out how it's happened ie how you ended up being alone with these men, etc and takling steps to put logistcal barriers in your way eg avoid going out/ getting drunk/ being alone etc etc. Good luck

I guess we all have so many secrets that we keep from our partners. I have never had to keep anything from him before and now the guilt of that is just consuming me. I know what you are both saying about putting barriers up, i am already thinking along those lines. normally I am a very quiet person, quite moralistic really, my partner was my first relationship and i was a virgin when i met him. But last weekend saw such a change in me it was frightening, i was so drunk all i wanted was sex and i didn't much care with who. I guess I've always wondered what it would be like with a stranger, really letting your inhibitions go, and i've already said that my husband and I are very inhibited towards each other about sex.
yes i could avoid getting drunk, but this is difficult with Christmas coming up, so many of my friends want to organise girls nights out and I'm now afraid to go on them. i never thought I would be capable of what i did which is why i'm so confused and shocked. I doubt it would lead up to an affair, as i only wanted a one-night stand, but i just don't know what I'm capable of now.

Ashamed - you could always get your marriage blessed, and have a nice ceremony all over again. Lots of people do this now and your husband wouldn't be too suspicious. it sounds like both you and Regret have put your experiences in the past and have learned from them. i just hope that i have your wisdom to do the same. Hypnotism might work! i love him too much to do this ever again, so hopefully nothing like it will ever happen again. but i do wish I knew why it happened in the first place, so that i could make sure that it really does never happen again.

Desperate - What about mixing your drinks. Get a glass of wine and 2 of juices or appletizer (or something)... If your friends ask either tell them you have a big day the next day and can't face the hangover or that you have a bit of an upset stomach and think that drinking too much is a bad idea...
It takes years to get over (if indeed you ever get over) such deception. I - like Regret - am very careful around men. I still trust them but I am FAR less flirtatious and will back away very quickly if I sense the remote chance of this turning into something.

I also cannot remember how I ever got into that relationship and wish to forget it ever happened.

Desperate... try also to think what would happen if your husband left you if he found out... that might really put a damper on things ! What would you have to deal with ???

I might join the drinking thread to see if I can cut back. The trouble is I binge drink at the weekend.

This weekend we are going away to a hotel (no babysitter though) so i will try and rekindle our passion. i won't drink as much when I'm out without him and will steer clear of talking to men on my own. i will try to make sure that someone is with me at all times. This has really shook me up and i know, Ashamed, that he would leave me if he found out, all his exs dumped on him so it's something he feels strongly about. i hate this feeling of dread inside me in case he does find out, this overwhelming guilt and so on. hopefully i have learnt my lesson, it's not worth feeling like this. He's been really down recently too and two bad things have happened to him, so he keeps saying that he's waiting for the third! I think if anyone had seen me they would have said by now, so I shall count my lucky stars and get on with the rest of my life.

Good luck to you both Ashamed and Regret and thank you to everyone who offered me support. it helps to have people to talk to and gain some perspective on it all. Thanks.

I'm presently researching this topic of the relationship changes that result from the birth of a first child, and would be very pleased to hear from any of you who would be prepared to share your experiences with me by means of a short informal interview. I am interested in exploring both men’s and women’s experience of the transition to parenthood, in order to get a picture of those aspects that are shared and those that are distinctive for each group.

I’m hoping to interview mothers or fathers whose child is between one and two years of age, and who has no other siblings, or expected siblings. It's proving especially difficult to find men to take part, so if anyone can help me in this respect I would be very grateful. I am only intending to interview one member of each couple, and interviews will have to take place in person, not by email. Also, owing to time restrictions I can only interview in London or the South East area.

If you would like to take part, I'd be very pleased to hear from you. Please let me know if you would like any further information about the study.

Many thanks,
[email protected]

Be warned, Ashamed and Regret, this may not be what you want to hear. but does either of you have any concept of the idea of a false self? The attraction to another partner is probably the manifestation of that false self, and it is dying to be heard.

You may not want to contemplate this, but the relationship with the safe adored (by others) partner may only match up with superficial aspects of yourself, often those to do with meeting other's expectations. so the other parts of you a fighting to come out. They will come out in some way or other. Perhaps in depression, if not in having lovers.

I would try really hard to see a therapist and work towards expressing this part of yourselves. You may be a ble to find a solution which does not involve guilt and self-hatred, but which may invlove big changes to your lives.

Sorry, Ashamed and Regret, that message was confusing. I should have said that the attraction to another partner was the manifestation of your real self, not false.

Well if the real me is a silly slut who wants sex with strangers then I'd rather not know about it thanks.

What's with the psycho babble Louisa? We offer real life experiences and advice on this site and shoulders to cry on. I think you're on the wrong site. Try not being so judgemental and speak in plain english in future. Are you doing a psychology degree or something?

selja, are you in charge of deciding what is appropriate and what isn't on this site? I don't think you are. If you are disagreeing with what I say, then I welcome your comments, if not, please don't try to dictate the conversations.

I'm not sure if desperate really thinks she ought to be characterised in such a negative way. I don't.

I must admit that I thought Louisa was abit OTT in her message, but I think her point was a valid one. If you are experiencing such troubles as on this thread, it would be a good idea to seek help ie counselling, therapy. I doubt much else would really help those concerned to get to the root of the problem. Therapy is always a winner if your serious about finding out about yourself.It can be costly but what price happiness and contentment?

i have two children of 5 and 3.when the first was born my hubby took very little to do with his care.But by the time no. two had come along daddy was all for jumping straight in and getting his hands dirty.This separation has carried on since then and at times is very apparent,not only to me.My eldest son is closer to me than his father as a result and my hubby hates it. At times it is almost as if only the younger child is his and the elder child is a stepchild. This drives me crazy and as a result i feel very little for my partner as i cant stand he way he treats them differently.Any advice on dealing with this situation would be great.Please help!!

Loobie I am sorry to hear that this problem is causing difficulties in your relationship. Though I think that latching on to one child is quite common. First born with the mother - your first is bound to be special - there is such a learning curve as a mother, so many new things to learn/do.
Perhaps there could be an element of your husband feeling inadequate as a parent at first. eg you may have run around doing everything (and at a faster pace than he could have - nappy in one hand bottle in the other and while you're at it putting the washing on). So he may have just sat back and watched and let you get on with it and perhaps felt a bit left out. As no 1 got older he may have felt more able to communicate by which time it was difficult to start up, and your toddler may have clung to you - as they do at that age anyway in relation to most other people. So hubby felt rejected but said nothing.
So when no 2 came along he thought this time it will be different, and so it was, he had learnt a bit on the way, and perhaps you were busy with no 2 what with terrible twos, starting toilet training etc, so he got on with it and as a result they have bonded better. I am not sure this is a bad thing because he has learnt that what you put in you get out, but you need to take action soon to redress the balance before the children become aware of the fact that you have resentment and justifiable concerns about this - certainly a 5 yo will soon pick up any problems between you and they have ideas about fairness and equity. Be careful that you are not compounding the problem by compensating the other way. My suggestions for what they are worth are that you take turns to take the children out, that you deliberately engineer time out with your 3yo so that hubby has to have time with the 5yo. And that you do more things as a family all four of you. Also have any of your friends or family noticed anything? Is there anyone close you can talk to about this who knows you as a family? Sorry to say but examine carefully your own feelings for no 2, you may also be unconsciously suffering guilt for bonding more with no 1 than no 2, or your hubby may think you love no 1 more than no 2 so he decided to compensate? Does this make sense? For example one of my friends said that she felt guilty for having spent less time with no 2 than no 1, in that no 1 got much more one to one attention from her whereas no 2 just tagged along (and they are both lovely boys BTW but very different).

Also your hubby may be acting unconsciously not seeing the damage that his favoritism is going to cause in the future. You need some time out as a couple to talk through these issues.
All the best of luck

Thanks for the advice madmaz maybe ill try 'forcing' hubby into spending time only with no.1 while i do the same with no.2 .My relationship with no.2 is just the same as with no.1 but yes i agree that my bond feels different between them, if that makes sense.Oh and doing things as a family is all too often too much of an effort for him. My dad and my closest friend also can see how he treats the boys differently so it's not just in my mind.Any more ideas are welcome.

Thought I'd resurect this discussion for Sanb...

Sorry to jump in here Sanb! but Loobie (if you're still around!!), I know you posted your message a year ago but what you said rang a few bells to me.. I've noticed that my dh treats his two sons differently too (from his first marriage). He's always had more of an affiliation with the younger one - the eldest one looks more like his mother and the younger one looks like dh. Don't know if this has anything to do with it, but it's always been obvious to me that dh seems to prefer his younger son. He takes more interest in him, goes to watch him play sport and seems to want to spend more time with him than he did with the older one. It's not fair, but I guess it does happen - they are 20 and 16 1/2 now, and I have to say that dh and his eldest are still not that close. I've mentioned it to dh over the years (the favouritism) but he denies that he does it. I think he feels that I'm criticising his parenting or something, but perhaps he can't really see what he's doing. Anyway I hope all is well with you now.

To Shy
I would just like to ask how you found help concerning your Vaginismous. I am currently finding it impossible to have sex or even use a tampon and i am convinced that I have it. So far your the first person i have found who has gone through it. I don't know what to do and am worried I will never be able to have sex again. Please help.