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Relationships

I've done a stupid thing

36 replies

Fuzzyfeltrabbit · 16/02/2014 12:54

My husband is glued to his technology - always has been.
For various reasons my self esteem is very low at the moment.
I decided to look at his iPad when he was out. Not because I don't trust him -because I do.
Actually I'm not really sure why I looked.
Anyway dh is a sahd to our LO, and neither of use have loads of friends. But because dh attends groups with out LO he has made friends with a mummy there! they meet for coffee once a week! and occasionally go to soft play etc together (our LO s are similar ages) I have met her once when we out and about together. She is younger than me and dh and seems nice enough.

Anyway, I went onto DBS Facebook account and saw that she is the person he chats to most on fb. I had a look at their conversation.
I am ashamed that I ever did it!
I saw a few things that have made me feel sick. (As I said my self esteem is very low right now and so I'm probably over reacting)

Dh told he has big news, she asked if I was pregnant (we are ttc but haven't told anyone) he replied - lol! No you have to have sex for that.

Now we do have sex! About 2-3 times a week - he always seemed happy with this but now I'm wondering is this not enough?? Or was it supposed to be a funny comment??

Also he has discussed having another baby with his friend and said he is not sure about it but that it's going to happen anyway..... Not what he said to me!! If anything he is more keen than me to have another child.

I'm > 35 so having another baby is not a certainty! I'm wondering now if that was just a throwaway comment too?

I wish I'd never looked at his iPad in the first place. It's made me feel so low! Can he not discuss these things with me?? I have no one in RL I can discuss this with. I am very shy, struggle to make friends and am at work all week so I dont meet anyone new to make friends with. I feel very lonely right now.

I'm not really sure what I am asking here to be honest.
I know I should have minded my own business and not been snooping! How do I talk to dh about this? Do I own up that I snooped?
Help!

OP posts:

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shockednc · 16/02/2014 15:47

There are red flags here, and I would confront him about it. It doesn't mean the worst, but it sounds like there are things you need to talk about.

I completely understand wishing you hadn't looked. I snooped on a hunch, had to end it from what I found, now I'm gutted and wish I could go on not knowing and having a perfect relationship - even though it was a sham. Talk to him, op. If he wouldn't say it in front of you, he shouldnt have said it.

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Joysmum · 16/02/2014 15:49

I wouldn't own up either but I would open dialogue about TTC and whether he finds your sex life satisfying and listen to what he has to say.

If he then doesn't start talking openly I'd tell him I knew that's not what he'd been telling others and once again wait for him to be honest.

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Abbierhodes · 16/02/2014 15:49

I've been in a similar situation. Very similar, in fact.

Now an important factor for me was that my DH is not a bastard. Not at all. But he was bored/low and was over familiar with another woman.

I admitted I'd snooped, called him on the things he'd said and he apologised profusely. We had a rocky patch- I too had low self esteem, and was very hurt by the things he'd said.

He made a big effort to make it clear that I was his priority and this other woman was just a flirtation. We both made a big effort to get our relationship back on track- spending time together and being kind to one another.

What he did not do was make it about the snooping. Unless one of you is obsessive and crazy (and I don't think you are) then I think glancing at each others messages is absolutely fine. My DH would read my texts/facebook messages without a thought, as I would with his- often just for practical reasons, such as reading a message to me whilst I was in the shower. If there was something I didn't want him to read, then I'd hope I wouldn't say it in the first place. (NB- this is within the context of a happy, loving relationship. If my DH were an arsehole I'm sure I'd have a different view on privacy)

This event was over 5 years ago, and we're now very happy once again.

So, perhaps what a previous poster said about taking it as a warning is very true. But a lot hangs on what he is normally like, and how happy you are usually.

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Smartiepants79 · 16/02/2014 15:59

Firstly, do you completely trust him? If so then this person is just another friend and you have to try and react to it in the same way you would if it was a man.
Secondly, to everyone say he has betrayed you, do you never discuss your sex life with your friends?
If a woman joked with a friend about her sex life would just laugh, nod and move on.
Personally I would be vary wary of projecting your self esteem issues onto *his friendships.
You say he has been very supportive and even cut contact with his own family for your sake. Unless you have any other reasons to believe he is unhappy or unfaithful I would tread carefully.

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badbaldingballerina123 · 16/02/2014 16:15

I don't see how you possibly can trust him considering the lies he's telling her .

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WallyBantersJunkBox · 16/02/2014 17:56

No I don't discuss my married sex life with my friends.

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Davidhasselhoffstoecheese · 16/02/2014 22:49

Id probably give him a screen shot and ask him why he is tring to make himself look semi available?

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MorrisZapp · 16/02/2014 22:56

I wouldn't confront him. I think his comments are borderline. I think it's an over reaction to think he is setting up an affair. Surely this female friend has enough on her plate anyway, I can't see that she's a threat to your marriage.

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Tryharder · 16/02/2014 23:38

I would be getting his arse back to work as well. Sounds like he has too much time on his hands and is enjoying the flirtation and attention.

Doesn't mean he's necessarily up for an affair but definitely best to cut it in the bud.

I wouldn't admit to seeing the messages as yet if it were me as you need to keep an eye on things and you won't be able to do that if he knows you are looking.

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ThinkIMmad · 16/02/2014 23:40

Its weird how you had a sudden urge to check the ipad isnt it, womens instuition is a good thing at times isnt it. I wouldnt admit to snooping like already said by pp.

I dont like the way hes been putting your relationship down to her, i would be the same as you in fact i probilly would totally fly off the handle.

Thinking sensibly i think i would question him about her, sorry if ive missed if youve mentioned but is she single?

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jennifleurs · 16/02/2014 23:49

Always listen to your gut.

I did the same thing with my ex (2 of them actually) and found conversations he'd been having with a female friend.

He told her he was sick of never going out (he never wanted to go out when I asked him)

He told her he was always looking after my LO (he'd looked after him once, while I went swimming with my mum)

He said he missed being out with her and his other mates drinking

He told her she was fun and always made him laugh

He asked her if she was going to a mutual friends birthday party

The fight that followed this lead to him leaving the following day. A few weeks later he was with her. Eventually they went on to have a baby and an off/on relationship since then.

My point is, something made you look. You obviously don't trust your OH and maybe with reason. I didn't want to be proven right, but I knew what I would find as it happened with my OH before him.

This is why I'm now staying single.