Ashamed and upset

[feelhorrible]

Ill give you a brief history of myself.

I left home at 16, got together with a lad from college and fell pregnant we moved in together, had first baby at 17, 2nd baby at 19.

8 years later we split up, we were never happy anyway so it didnt matter but it left me the young mother stereotype, single parent living on a council estate on benefits. I felt like I was the lowest of the low, never had any money, always in crap clothes...just a complete loser.

When I was 26 I met a man, he was a bit older than me (36) and he had a great job, he was quite 'well off', owned his own house outright and had a nice car etc etc...

To cut a long story short we bought a house together (or rather he bought it) in a nice area, it's the kind of house I'd always wanted and we're close to the best secondry schools etc which is great.

He took me to Thailand which he knew Id always wanted to go, it was my dream destination and I had the time of my life there, Ill never forget it and he is talking about Florida for next year.

He buys me everything I want, new clothes, jewelry, perfume, he bought me a car because I said I liked it.

Last weekend he booked a suprise break for us, overnight stay in a nice hotel overlooking the sea, he knows my favourite place is the beach/sea. It was a lovely night, we had a nice time and went to bed happy. During the night I woke up, I layed in bed thinking about my life and for the first time I admitted to myself that I dont love this man at all, I never have, it was the money and the lifestyle I wanted.

Ive been pretending to everyone including myself that I am 100% happy but the truth is I would be if he wasnt in the picture, I want everything he gives me without him. I know the type of man I want and it isnt him, its the opposite of him but I DO want what he has.

It's awful I know, I feel terrible, I'm more or less using him for his money but I dont feel I can stop this now, I cant go back to that crappy life on a council estate and make my kids go back to that, no money and no holidays but deep down I know I cant carry on with this either, its evil and he does not deserve this.

He has just asked me to marry him, I said yes but I feel now is the time I have to decide what to do. I know what a horrible, evil cow i have been but I need some advice right now. Sorry to go on but I really do not know what to do.

It's not 'evil' - you have found yourself in this situation and come to the realisation now that something isn't right. Just in time too, if you think you can't marry him. For the record, often the kind of man you think you want may not be the right man for you. Are you friends with him? You say you spend time with him and are happy, maybe you have to come to terms with the fact that though he may not be the love of your life, he can give you what you want so it's worth trying to make it work. But if you think you can't live with him, and the idea of spending the rest of your life with him makes you feel trapped or miserable then tell him now rather than waiting till you're married and it all becomes more complicated. Your children need a happy mum more than they need this man's money, so think about them, too. Being a single mum doesn't have to be awful - and it definitely doesn't make you a loser. Have to go but just saw your post and wanted to say stop thinking you're horrible and evil. You're not, and you can sort this out.

yu have nothing to be ashamed of.

you say you have only just realised you dont love him so it is not as if you have deliberatly set out to fleece him.
it was a set of circumstances and you and your family have been happy.

Are you sure you dont love him or are you a little nervouse about marrying him? you are still relativly young and maybe its a little bit of the jitters.

I think we have this idea of what love is and what it should feel like, as if we should feel the way movies portray love. the way i see it is this. you are happy, he is happy you enjoy being with him even if you dont get the butterflies in your tuimmy feeling the books tell us we shold have. you could probably go on for the next 50 years and be happy.

BUT if you cant and this worry will continue to nag at you then you need to be honest with him.

feelhorrible, even though you don't love him, do you enjoy spending time with him? do you have lots to talk about? do you have a good relationship otherwise? if so, is it possible you may grow to love him?

let me tell you about my mum and dad. my mum married the love of her life and had 2 children with him, but he died of cancer. she felt she'd never find anyone she loved as much again, she'd found her soulmate and lost him. then she met my dad and they became friends. he asked her to marry him and she accepted because he treated her well, loved her and was good to her kids. she nearly bottled out of the wedding, but her mum told her not to be so stupid! he died about 6 years ago, but they had been married for about 35 years and were so so happy together. she grew to love him over the years and they had a wonderful marriage. so initially she married him because of what he could offer, but it grew into something much much more.

so you may have these doubts now, but is it possible that you might feel differently in a few years? it sounds like he loves you very much.

if not, you could start thinking of a plan of how to get along without going back to where you came from. part time study? could family help?

feelhorrible - just want to second what nationalvelvet said. Dont feel evil and horrible. This is just life. I married for motives that I now recognise, but at the time, I didnt. (needing support etc).
Dont blame yourself, we all pick up life experience slowly.

in the end, only you can make the decision, but if you break with him, its not the end of the world. Ive been on benefits as a single parent, so I know what you are contemplating going back to. My advice would be - if you take this road, invest in yourself. Do some extra qualifications, so that you can get a good job one day, when you go back to work. There's loads available for free to people on benefits - Open University, your local CFE. You've taken responsibility for children at a young age, you've admitted the truth about your relationship to yourself - these are big achievements. you are not just a loser, you can do more.

feelhorrible - just want to second what nationalvelvet said. Dont feel evil and horrible. This is just life. I married for motives that I now recognise, but at the time, I didnt. (needing support etc).
Dont blame yourself, we all pick up life experience slowly.

in the end, only you can make the decision, but if you break with him, its not the end of the world. Ive been on benefits as a single parent, so I know what you are contemplating going back to. My advice would be - if you take this road, invest in yourself. Do some extra qualifications, so that you can get a good job one day, when you go back to work. There's loads available for free to people on benefits - Open University, your local CFE. You've taken responsibility for children at a young age, you've admitted the truth about your relationship to yourself - these are big achievements. you are not just a loser, you can do more.

I think you are so brave to be so honest with yourself. Really. Not many people can see in themselves what you can see.

I dont know have any advice to give, but as someone else said, its not as though you were conniving from the beginning. You have basically been honest with yourself. So you dont have to beat yourself up about anything, whatever you decide.

I sometimes catch myself wondering if I would have married my DH if his lifestyle didn`t come with him as a package. But then I realise he is a very sweet and loving man, and that is who I fell in love with- someone who could look after me. Of course I have been in love before, and I have to say, it was with more passion that it is now with my DH, and I sometimes miss that. But I made a decision to be with someone I could trust, who is committed, and yes, who can provide for our baby (who will arrive in a few weeks). Its not so much the amount of money he earns, but how generous he is with what he has. It sounds like yours is the same, buying that car for you. He obviously worships the ground you walk on.

Could it be that after so many years of having nothing (I absolutely know where you are coming from on that score), you are somehow feeling guilty for having disposable income. I feel like that a lot.
Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide

marry him - get some money then fuck off in a couple of years. sounds callous - but lets face it were not in fairy tale land here. if you have no career of your own then your going to end up skint near 4o ish am guessing and wishing you has a holiday in thailand!

i am totally serious.

The question is... could you stand be with him for years witout turning sour? is there any possibility that you may love him in the future?

I had a good friend who was great fun as a friend, I really liked him and could laugh for hours in his company, he also had a lots of money. But the day he took a diferent interest in me I started feeling his pressence as a burden, I received the flowers as if he was putting pressure on me, he started to fly from his city to mine every weekend (my excuse to reject his advances was that he was living away), and I startede to dread weekends, finally when he proposed and said he was planning to move to my city I just felt I could die if I said yes. If you feel like this, is not worth it, it will eat you up and you will resent him very soon.

If you don't... let's be a bit cynical and asume prince Charming is in reality just a nice children tales' character. If you see that you may get to love him but you are not sure you can always say "yes, I would, but not just yet". You can perfectly say that you are not yet ready but will be, very much, at some point in the future" (yep, gaining time strategy)

Best of luck, and even if you decide just to marry him for the lifestyle he can offer.... well thousands of women are married that way, some because they were flashed out by the lifestyle, by the fear of loosing the lifestyle they were used to, because it was the thing to do, because the family liked him, or even because they fear to divorce and getting into financial difficulties.

Could grow to love him but equally to hate him...

This may sound cynical but if you marry him now at least you are doing it with eyes open. You won't wake up in 10 years time and resent him for it 'cos it was what you expected. Marriages based on romance and passion don't always last. If you like the guy, you get on OK, he takes away all your money worries and he loves you (a lot by the sounds of it) it seems a fairly good basis.

I married for love and although I still love DH I feel no real passion for him anymore. Not even sure we'd be together if it wasn't for the kids. And being short of money on a semi-permanent basis makes me resentful - I've always earned the most and he is crap with money. I am so hacked off that we are always broke and struggling to afford what others take for granted. What I want to say is don't underestimate financial security - long-term being broke puts huge strains on any relationship. And don't overestimate passion and romantic love - it don't last for ever even in the strongest marriages.

heard a saying once:

" you have 3 loves in your life, your 1st love, your greatest love and the love you marry "

if you have been with him for a few yrs and he is obviously happy, you must love him in some kind of way ? obviously you are not being a right cow to him or he wouldn't have asked you to marry him, so he is not the greatest passion of your life but be honest is the type of man you htink you would love a bastard type ?? in which case life looks much nicer, to me anyway, with the chap you are with. I htink love takes many different forms and is not always amazing passion all the time. also could you just feel alittle bored ?? life can be pretty hundrum and i guess we all sometimes think we are not in love with are parteners because life is not very exciting ??? perhaps this chap is "the love you will marry "

sorry forgot - try reading " recipies for a happy marriage" just finished it .

Do you feel that you are an equal partner in this relationship? Money isn't everything, and it could be that what you bring to the relationship is something that he values and treasures.

But is love really that important? Do you feel that you can continue giving and sharing with him? Passion doesn't last. Many of my extended family are ultra-Orthodox Jews, and most make arranged marriages - they don't marry strangers, but neither do they know each other well before they get married. They all say that love comes after marriage, that it's part of getting to know the person, committing to each other, going through difficulties together, celebrating together, wanting to please each other and so on.

Thanks for the nice replies, I thought I would get shouted at .

We do get on ok but he is soooo boring, he's your average educated middle aged man, doesnt do anything spontanious and we mever do anything "silly" just for a laugh, everything is so serious and boring.

I do treat him well because I do like him, I respect him and I enjoy spending time with him mostly but I dream about, what I would call a "real man", rough around the edges and as someone else said 'bastard type', why are we always attracted to bad guys?

I keep having these evil thoughts "marry him then you might get to keep the house and get some money out of it" that way I dont come out of it with nothing but then i think how would I like to be treat like that? or my son....

My grandad has always said "get with someone with plenty of money, you dont have to love them, just enjoy what they give you, you will learn to love them in time" and maybe he is right? I suppose its a case of what do I want more? finantial security or "mr right" who may not even exist.

You never know what's round the corner. Who knows, but you may split up tomorrow and meet Mr Absolutely Knee Tremblingly Rough Yet Manly Bloody Perfect next week...or you may not, and might feel sad years later tht you dropped what was after all a good thing.

I think your Grandad has a point (even if it's somewhat mercenary ). In any case, if the worst is that this guy lacks spontaneity, then that's something for you to bring in. My dh is also boringly strait-laced, always gets done the things that ought to be done, never says 'What the heck, let's go and XYZ instead'. So I've said to him "I need some spontaneity. I need some craziness. The children need to roll down the hillside with Daddy and get grass-stains in their clothes, far more than they need the decorating finished in their room." and so on. Now, while I don't advocate trying to change a man (only grief comes of that), there's no reason why you shouldn't show him a different view of life, or bring in some changes to give him the chance to choose.

It's taken years for us, but the more dh lets his hair down and lets go of the things that drive him, the more he enjoys spontaneity and crazyness, and, what's more, the more I can tolerate and appreciate his way of life.

hey.im doin the same.i was24 when i met my hubby.i had no kids niether had he.he was the opposite to everyman i had ever known.honest reliable safe cuddly,loving ambitious,well brought up and had a good job and a wonderful future.i didnt fancy him though.yet,still i fell for him!6 months later on feb14 he gave me a front door key to the house he had just bought us.and i was out of my mums place...great!!!6 months later we were married.fairy tale wedding no expense spared.got pregnant on my honey moon.10 months later son no.1.then 14 months later a daughter,then 18 months later son no.2.i have all the stuff i never thought i would have .we went florida this may and it was fab.big house there and pool etc.kids loved it.i have the 1400 watch the fancy cars the designer bags and fancy hairdresser yet...im miserable.at night when i get in bed i feel empty.i ache almost.he loves me desperatly.i have cheated on him twice and one very recently was a proper affair.i fell for him too but a married woman with 3 kids is a lot to take on.i stay cos of the kids and the stuff and cos noone will ever love my kids or me more than he does.so ,ultimaley u have to ask yourself if u can live with your emptyness or not?hard one isnt it.i still havent decided yet.im here if u want to chat.perhaps we could help eachother.xx

hey.im doin the same.i was24 when i met my hubby.i had no kids niether had he.he was the opposite to everyman i had ever known.honest reliable safe cuddly,loving ambitious,well brought up and had a good job and a wonderful future.i didnt fancy him though.yet,still i fell for him!6 months later on feb14 he gave me a front door key to the house he had just bought us.and i was out of my mums place...great!!!6 months later we were married.fairy tale wedding no expense spared.got pregnant on my honey moon.10 months later son no.1.then 14 months later a daughter,then 18 months later son no.2.i have all the stuff i never thought i would have .we went florida this may and it was fab.big house there and pool etc.kids loved it.i have the 1400 watch the fancy cars the designer bags and fancy hairdresser yet...im miserable.at night when i get in bed i feel empty.i ache almost.he loves me desperatly.i have cheated on him twice and one very recently was a proper affair.i fell for him too but a married woman with 3 kids is a lot to take on.i stay cos of the kids and the stuff and cos noone will ever love my kids or me more than he does.so ,ultimaley u have to ask yourself if u can live with your emptyness or not?hard one isnt it.i still havent decided yet.im here if u want to chat.perhaps we could help eachother.xx

ps.im 33 now and all my kids will be at school in september.the empitiness is going to get worse.i dont have to work but im going too or i think i will go mad.

FeelHorrible, to be honest it sounds like the things that make him desirable (stable, honest, well-off, hardworking etc) are the very things that make him undesirable (not impulsive, spontaneous, isn't a 'bad guy').
I suspect that the things that attracted him to you (he could look after you, treat you like a lady, buy you stuff) are the very things that he thinks you want.
If you let him know that you need a bit of silliness, a bit of spontaneity, you may discover that he's been hiding this side of himself because he thought you wanted the respectable man, and, as prettycandles suggests, you may be able to encourage it!

I think deferring marriage to give yourself a bit of time to think isn't a bad plan, but don't do anything rash.
Also agree that a FE or OU course is a very good idea to boost both your selfesteem and your earning power in case you ever want to be a little more independent in the future - I'd recommend it to lislou too.

[contraversial and possibly wildly off the mark]
Are the 'real men' you're fantasising about men like the bloke from college who it didn't work with? Men like strong role models you had as a little girl?
I had a very long-term relationship with a man who, I can see now, was rather similar to my father, in that he was passive and disorganised and seemed to need someone to 'sort him out'. However, eventually I saw this was driving me almost to bully him, just as my mother bullies my father, and I left him as I didn't want to end up (to quote a friend) 'riddled with spite and dressed in floral prints'.
DH's and my relationship is much more a partnership of equals, and as such is a conscious rejection of the bad qualities of my parent's relationship.

Just a few things to think about...

mrs badger i agree with all u say.i picked my hub cos he was the opposite of my dad though.my dad killed himself when i was 11 and up until then wasnt a very good dad.he was wild and excentric and a lot of fun but ultimaltly a bad dad. i vowed my kids would have a good dad and they have got one,whether we are together or not that will never change so for that i am glad i chose the good bye.we all love a bastard before we appreciate a good man.but the grass is sometimes greener on the other side ,the only prob is we dont know that until we get there.is it a risk to take ,i dont know?

good guy not goobye...dur my spellings crap....its the kids distracting me!

i goota go now cos hubs back soon.i will check tomorrow to see how u are going. cu poppett

hows things today?