Need a middle ground

[GingerPCatt]

DH has an outdoors hobby. He trains twice a week for a couple of hours each time. He also goes away and does his hobby for a week at least once a year. We have a 2.7 yr old DS. I completely resent him having this time to do whatever he wants. I work evening and Saturday so do most of the childcare and housework. I don't really have a hobby outside of mn and reading. I'm not really sure what I'd do if I had any real leisure time. This has been an on going issue for several years and I just don't know what to do anymore. DH days he needs his hobby to keep him sane and it's a major part of him. I'm not sure if I resent the time away or the fact I don't have a hobby that engrosses me. We've just had another row about him booking a hobby holiday with a mate. I hate either being left home on my own or left to wonder around wherever with DS. There must be some middle ground where we're both happy but I can't see it. I'm almost at the point of saying fuck it and throwing in the towel. But I do love him and he would be devastated to be apart from DS.

Do you work every evening OP? I think you should get time out too. Can't you just take off on a Sunday and do something (anything!) to recharge your batteries?

Can't you go with him on the holiday, or get evenings off to see friends or family?

If you like to read, maybe join a book club?

It doesn't sound excessive to me, a couple of hours twice a week, or a holiday doing it. What's the cost, is that the issue?

Is the problem you feel you are picking up the slack and you don't see him much if you are working weekends and evenings? Do you feel if you got a cleaner you would still be alone and feeling like a single mum with an affable lodger?:)

You could write a time sheet for everyday and ask him to look at it with you and help make some space.

What would you like to be doing in that space? Something for you or time with him?

Part if the problem is that we've just moved about a year ago. I've met some people but I don't really know them well enough to go out for a drink or meal yet. Most are either people from work or mums with similar aged DC. We don't have any family in this country.
Ideally I'd like to spend spare time together as a family. I work 3 nights a week and DH does his hobby one of the nights I'm off and I don't get home until sat evening and he does his hobby sun morning.
In many ways I feel I've sacrificed a lot for him. We moved here for his job away from a job I loved and my friends. Now with my work hours we don't get much time together. I do like my current job and eventually I think I could get better hours, but with current hours we don't have to pay for nursery as much.

Could you find local mum's groups or book clubs, or a gym or something along those lines?

I think book club would be good for you OP. I think your dh should be a bit more understanding and there should be a more open dialogue re work/life balance issues. But, on the face of it the hours he is spending pursuing a hobby are not excessive. What about housework ? Could he shoulder more of that burden?

The way to show up the disparity is to be very understanding about his need for a hobby and say it's now time for you to have the same.

Each time he gets hours out of the house, tell him you will be taking the same time and money to keep you sane and find the part if you that's missing and he has found in himself.

Surely nobody reasonable could argue against their own reasoning for their own hobby

Are you in the UK? Or from where? Is there an expat group or anything?

I think you need to tell him how you feel, unless you have? can't he do his hobby other nights? Or in the morning early?

I think maybe finding a hobby of your own would be best - anyone would be a bit annoyed at being left on their own all the time, but I don't think it's fair to expect him to give up something he cares about so much in favour of sitting round the house. How about amateur drama, or a jewellery making class or learning French - do something for yourself, maybe put the DS with a childminder for an hour or two while you go swimming?

It doesn't sound like he's trying to stop you going out and meeting people, unless I missed that part. Especially if you've just moved to the area, he'd probably be all for you getting out and meeting people.

Thanks for the replies. We had a long talk last night and are going to implement some of your suggestions. DH is going to find a sitter so that we have a bit of back up and flexibility with DS. I'm going to take more time for myself during the week and try to find a hobby I enjoy. DH is also going to see if he can plan his trip while my mom is visiting so I'm not on my own for a week.
We also talked a lot about the need for communication since he often springs these trips or other plans on me. Hopefully we can stick to these things.

Well done. I was thinking, before I read your update, that if you took the remaining evening and every Sunday afternoon to yourself as 'me time', you and DH would rarely be in the house together - but the status quo has you close to splitting anyway, so hey ho! The babysitter idea is a good one, but try to find a regular arrangement eg an evening/exercise class , for 2 reasons - doing the same thing at the same time is a good way to meet the same people and get to know them; and going out on your own (eg film etc) can be lonely and may end up not bothering. Good luck!

That sounds really good

You might want to have a set time each week to go through stuff and make plans, talk about things bothering you... Saves festering:) keep a little notebook and a big wall planner! This is nice for dc as well- they can see plans and help think of things to do.

Also, your dh will be able to see family life a bit better, and not spring things on you. He can sit with you and look at the planner!

Get it filled in:)