I can't live feeling like this for any longer, I've only acknowledged it for 4 years but it's draining me more and more everyday. Since DD it's become worse.
Whilst in Turkey (I can't believe I just 'said' the place) when I was 12, two men befriended me; giving me cigarettes, alcohol, attention that I had never had/thought about having before. Short man was around 21 and Flat face was around 35.
One night, I found myself on my own, in a dark stairwell of the hotel with the two men and gritting my teeth in pain, sobbing.
I sat on a grass verge for a long time (but a long time is not that long when you're younger, is it?) and noticed I'd wet myself as my trousers started to cool.
I went back to the apartment, with blood spots on my wet trousers and seen my mum. My mum is so maternal and loving, I love her to the maximum.
I went to sleep and until 18 years of age I didn't acknowledge anything. It just didn't happen, don't think of it.
Between 16 and 19 I was in a relationship with a man eleven years older than me, who wasn't very nice to me. He was the first person that I told and used to abuse me mentally about it, amongst other things.
I then had my amazing DD (I'm not with her dad anymore) and ever since then, I can literally feel the flashbacks, thoughts and feelings eating away at me. I think everyday how much I'd love to just wake up and not think about it. Everything triggers it off, near enough. I can't cope with hearing the term.
The reason I'm posting is because a) I need help, anything really. b) my brother knows as I remember talking to him on the plane, yet he says nothing. I feel resentment towards him, but feel guilty because, what could he do? c) I have met this really nice guy but my experience and negative thoughts towards men in that way is stopping anything from going further because I just can't.. Well take it to that next level.
Sorry and thanks