How can I stop this?

[Legolady123]

Everytime a man is nice to me, I fall for him. Age, looks, personality- nothing matters. Situation doesn't matter, it can be a simple thing and I will develop feelings. It doesn't happen with one-off encounters, it has to be someone I see a few times etc.

I am very happily married with young children. I know why this happens to me, most probably because of my childhood- aggressive, physically abusive father who treated me badly. Sexually abusive sibling who abused me from around the age of 5 to 12 years old.

I am not prepared to talk about this in real life at all, I have a great life now. I am happy. I still see my father, he is much more calmer in his old age. I have no contact with my sibling. I had a few very short relationships before I met DH and one long term on/off relationship long distance with a complete loon.

The only thing I want right now is to stop these feelings arising. What can I do?

I'm so sorry you had such a dreadful time
I would say counselling would be your best option. Have you had any to help you deal with what happened to you?

The reason you do this is because you lack confidence and you're insecure. You seek affirmation in the eyes of others and you seem desperate for affection. If you were happier in your skin you wouldn't need to look for it in others. Having said that, as long as it remains at the 'crush' level, it isn't actually harming anyone. But if it's getting in the way of you enjoying a normal relationship with your DH (assuming he's not part of the reason why you lack confidence of course) then it's a problem.

I'm absolutely with cog on this one...spot on.

Thank you for your replies.

DevonFolk, I haven't had any counselling for my past. I just seem to have bumbled through things to where I am now.

Cogito, that sounds about right. How can I become more secure and confident? Dh is fine, he is very kind and complimentary to me.

Confidence and security come from within. How you achieve them can involve all kinds of strategies plus some time and effort. Some go the route of counselling or self-help books. I personally prefer the approach of setting personal goals & challenges to overcome. A job, learning a new skill, solo travelling, a sporting challenge ... anything that is outside your normal run-of-the-mill life that focuses your energies and which, at the end of the day, you can proudly say to yourself 'I did that'.

It doesn't mean you don't need others in your life to be happy - we all want to feel attractive and loved - but it means that you're relying a lot less on others for your sense of self-worth.

You know, we think we've sorted out our past abuse on our own but really all we've done is suppress it. It hasn't been dealt with at all of worked through in a systematic manner with someone who is trained to help us get back on our feet emotionally. Not doing this nearly ruined my life but now I get support and work with a psychologist it is much better.

I would very strongly recommend you go and speak to you gp about your past experiences and see if there is any help on the NHS or what could be available privately. There is also NAPAC a charity supporting adults abused in childhood who were fantastic www.napac.org.uk

What is your relationship like with your dh? Does he know all you have been through? So sorry you had this

Or not of sorry stupid phone