Help needed

[Elixir123]

First I have to say that I am writing this thread as I am unsure where to turn to.
My friend (that old chestnut, but seriously it is a friend) has had is world turned upside down and has become somebody that I no longer recognise.
So why come here, well I need to find a way to bring him back from the brink.
Let me give you the background.

He was dating a single mother for 7 months, then she finished with him.
Now whilst this is not a problem, what is a problem is that just a few weeks before they had both introduced each other to their kids.
Ever since his divorce my friend had always been concerned about introducing his son to any partner, as any parent would be.
He and the woman in question and both agreed that they would wait 6 months to ensure that the relationship was going somewhere before the kids were introduced. Again as any parent would.
However, as it transpires, the woman in question was having doubts for a couple of weeks before she met his son, and so she told him she discussed meeting his son with a friend of hers and they both decided that in order to see the the whole man she needed to see my friend with his son.
His son liked her almost from the first moment, and my friend was over the moon. He and I went out and had a little celbratory drink that introductions had gone so well, and he had fallen in love with her daughter. Her daughter had special needs and he was so moved after meeting her the first time that she became one of the things that he talked about the most, how she was so happy and he couldn't wait to be a more permanent part of her life and learn about her needs and to help in any way that he could.
Then a few weeks later the fall out started.
His son was devestated (he had only just turned 8)
My friend sees it that he didn't protect his son from getting hurt.
Whilst he was upset at the relationship ending he was also realistic in that these things happen, but seeing his son hurt by this has really changed his character, he sees himself as being a terrible parent for allowing this to happen to his little boy. His son even now some 5 months on gets upset about it. He has asked me many times if I will take him to see her and her daughter as he knows his daddy wont. It's heartbreaking.

How can I make my friend see that he did everything possible to protect his son?
Also could somebody tell me how a mother would use a partners child in this manner?
He believed that they would only meet and introduce their kids if they were both 100% certain that they would be progressing the relationship, after all once the kids were introduced it would make it easier to spend more time together, rather than having to sneak around, they would have 'family days out', etc.
I just need some advice as I am at a loss as to why someone would use a child in that manner, especially as the reasons for her leaving him would never have changed after meeting his son. So I find it quite sick that she did this, I would love to name and shame her but there is no point in that.
As a non parent myself I cannot comprehend either side of the story, a work colleague of mine suggested this site as she has seen many forums that she helped her through some difficult times.
Any help or advice would be really helpful, equally if this is a common thing to happen, how do other parents cope with it so that I can pass that on.
My friend has changed so much, I guess that if you feel like a terrible parent it can be all consuming

Nobody has used any children here. As you have stated in your post, until you see someone with their children and find out how they act, how they deal with behaviour and the inevitable stress of being a parent, you don't really know them at all.

It may be that once she met your friend's son and saw how he behaved as a family man she realised that it was all too much and that the impact on her own children was something that she hadn't expected.

If I had suddenly felt overwhelmed by meeting someone's children I would probably tell them that I'd already had doubts rather than put the 'blame' on meeting the child. If she had told your friend that she had been blissfully happy until that point but suddenly had a change of heart he would have been even more devastated and angry with her for not accepting his child.

Blended families are even harder work than first families so nobody is obliged to continue in a relationship with someone if it doesn't make them happy, regardless of who they have met or how long they've been together before or afterwards.

People make a big fuss about not introducing children until things are serious, as if it will prevent this from happening. I tend to think it's better the other way round, introduce the children to lots of new friends and acquaintances as soon as possible so that they don't get attached to one person in particular and anyone new gets to meet the whole person not just the carefree part they want to present to new partners.

If I were you I'd advise your friend to consider this a lesson learned about putting all your eggs in one basket. There is absolutely no need for anyone to 'fall in love' with anyone else's children, especially not so quickly. It strikes me from what you've said that the woman may have even been a bit concerned about his strong emotional reaction to her daughter with special needs. It comes across as patronising at best and slightly creepy at worst.

trying to get my friend to realise that he did all he could to protect his son

But he didn't, did he. He made some classic mistakes of too much too soon. That's what he needs to take away from this. Absolving him of blame is not helpful, because the first step towards dealing with guilt and forgiving himself is to accept responsibility and then accept that he's human and it's ok to make mistakes.

Hindsight is a perfect science and if his son bears any residual scars I would lay my mortgage on the fact that they appeared mostly because of the previous situation when the marriage broke down, not because of this relationship and this woman. Your friend is powerless to change that.

Sometimes life deals us a shitty hand. Sometimes we make mistakes. IT happens. All we can do is own them and learn from them and do our best to make it better in the future. That's how we develop as individuals and that's how we teach our own children one of the most valuable skills in life - resilience.

Has he explained to his son what happened with this woman?
It sounds like he's not aware of what is going on, rather than being upset.

Yes, when he told his son he was over at mine for the weekend so that we could distract him with all sorts in case he got upset.
His son was told in a very truthful way, while not going into detail. There were many tears and his son asked if it was something he did. Always a heartbreaker when a child sees things that way. We eased his fears and tried to make the rest of the weekend as fun as possible.

I think what I can pass on to my friend in all of this is that the ex girlfriend is completely blameless in all of this and that he didn't do enough to protect his son, that seems to be the gyst of everybody.

". There were many tears and his son asked if it was something he did. "

The child is only 8. I don't know when his parents broke up but it was obviously prolongued and stressful. So for a big chunk of his young life he has seen the important adults around him falling out and parting company. He wonders if it's something he did. Then Dad gets a new girlfriend for a few weeks (as far as the DS is concerned), seems happy, but then they fall out and they part company. So it's like history repeating itself. That's the part your friend has to manage.

The ex girlfriend's prime responsibility is to herself and her own child. I'm sure she didn't set out to deliberately upset someone else's 8yo .

I can't decide whether you're a good caring friend or massively over-invested in this, tbh.
All this "we distracted him" stuff - could his father not handle that alone? I think he needs to. It makes him sound like he hasn't got his shit together, tbh. Sorry, I know that sounds harsh - but even you posting here and not him... If he wants opinions he should ask for them, not hide behind you.
Ugh - I really do sound harsh, but I think over all your friend has my hackles up - as others have said, all this "falling in love with his daughter" stuff.

Some wise words from others about the effect of the divorce being the issue here, and also how it was handled with the son.

FWIW, my 4yo met my boyfriend VERY quickly. And in all honesty, I'd have judged someone else saying that, before it was me. But I think it's down to how you handle it, and there personality.

If you asked my daughter about my boyfriend, she'd giggle and say mummy lurrrrrves him (I haven't told her that). Then she'd say - they are dating to see if they like each other, that takes a long time, he might not be her One True Love. Big Disney fan here! But you see I'm not worried about her coping if we split, because she's gone into meeting him knowing that we just don't know yet.

Reading between the lines, I suspect your friend wasn't clear enough on that.

I don't necessarily think she's blameless, but that is not the point.
What matters now is what can he do to help his DS and how to avoid falling into the same trap in future.

It does seem like this has made all the problems from the parents' split that this child carried, possibly buried so far. It may be worth getting some counselling to make sure the DS deals with the separation better.

It's great that you're so loyal and supportive to your friend, it really is. You are obviously a lovely friend and he is lucky to have you. But we don't do our friends any favours if, in supporting them, we deny any contribution they have made to their own misfortunes because how will they learn to prevent themselves falling into the same trap again?

It's not about being judgy or saying "I told you so" because only horrible people do that. It's perfectly possible to point out mistakes gently and with kindness, while looking for ways to provide solutions and create a positive out of bad situation.

In fact, knowing that you are still cared for, valued and respected in spite of your mistakes or weaknesses forms a far better basis for all types of relationships than always being told you're perfect and worrying terribly that you will be less well thought of if you mess up.

Cabrinha, his son is my godson, as a catholic Italian this is a very important relationship. I will always invest my time and energy in ensuring that my godson has the best possible life and that my friend has all the support he needs, so forgive me if I take offence to your comment about me being over-invested.

There has been counselling involved with his son and some things have come out of that that he has taken on board and is using to help his son get over some of the issues raised.

My friend has not hidden from anything, he has discussed this amongst other single parents that he knows, and has taken the full brunt from his ex wife over this. Some of what she has said has been brutal but he has taken it.

I took this upon myself as I wanted to get more input from other people who were neither invested in me or in him. To get a view in order that I can see whether or not he needed a bit of a reality check.
He and I have never been the type of friend that sugar coat things too much. Shoot from the hip and if one or other of us is out of order then we let the other know. That's why the friendship has lasted 30 years. We know each others strengths and weaknesses and we are always there for each other.