Just had big fight with drunk DH (apologies, long post)

[weesazz]

I apologise in advance for posting. I doubt there's anything anyone can say to help but I haven't anyone else to turn to.

Tonight DH and I had a big fight. Writing this in the dark in DDs room as she sleeps, I don't want to be in the same room as DH.

DD has been night-wakening for roughly a week now, and getting harder to settle for naps. He works offshore, so when he's away there's only me here to deal (and pretty much when he's home too but never mind). After a particularly testing night last night and frequent crying bouts today, we settled down for dinner and DH opened a bottle of wine. Then another. Out of those bottles I had one glass, DH drained the rest, as he quite often will. Then left me to the crying when she woke up.

Nothing would settle her and I was getting really upset and anxious. I had a migraine and he was playing really loud music downstairs despite frequent requests to turn it right down. I became teary (as I often do when tired and upset). He just stared at me so I left the room and went back upstairs to try and comfort DD. After an eternity and in my tired state I left her to CIO. I'm ashamed to say I put ear plugs in (which didn't actually do anything). After 5 mins DH came tearing in shouting at me because I wasn't trying to calm her down. He shouted at me and I started crying. His response was "what the f are you crying for" and other profanities. I told him I had a sore head and couldn't cope and he shouted "f off then". This refrain was repeated several times, as well as mocking me for crying.

I fed her and before she had finished he had already passed out beside us. He's still comatose as I write. He's a disgrace. I have one moment of desperation and he vilifies me for it and he's so greedy with alcohol he passes out. He won't even remember this on the morning (conveniently). He never has any patience with DD and once left her to CIO when she was a newborn and I had to go and comfort her.

I've got a lot on my mind just now as have consultant appointment on Monday to discuss many issues (3b tear, horrendous birth with induction, large uterine fibroid, flashbacks and psychological effects of tear and to argue my case against induction for future pregnancies). I don't need this and I don't need to be made to feel like a child for crying.

You have a supportive family who will protect you from him if you leave him

would they help you care for dd as well

DM in particular has never been fond of anyone I've been with, rightly or wrongly. Before the abuse started with ex-partner, she made it clear she disapproved of our relationship (I was a lot younger then and still living at home). This paved the way for his campaign of abuse to flourish because 1) I was being ostracised by my family for my relationship choice and could not confide in them and 2) when I realised what was happening to me I was too ashamed and proud to admit the relationship had failed.

If things are going to worsen and not improve, I don't want to find myself in the same situation where I'm scared to speak out for fear of rejection from my family and "I told you so's/you've made your bed" etc.

But DM was right about the previous guy. OK she may have handled it badly but she wasn't wrong to disapprove. We've all made the mistake of choosing crappy boyfriends over families in those circumstances.... I know I have.... but we don't have to repeat the mistake. It's worth a few 'I told you so's' if you get your life back.

I'm glad he had the decency to be apologetic, but it means nothing if it isn't followed up by changes in behaviour and a willingness to admit fault and seek help.

He may very well be depressed/unstable/alcoholic. It doesn't excuse any of this behaviour and means he will have to work even harder to commit to changing. Apologising for upsetting you one night doesn't even begin to make up for months of failing to help, drinking, and aggression. And don't let the working away be an excuse - he has to pull his weight when he's around, end of discussion.

And please, please, don't alienate yourself from your family. Take what support you can, tell them what happened, ask for a bit of help with the baby so can recover and clear your mind a bit. I understand the long memory thing , but you don't owe your husband any secrecy right now.

Lots of support and hugs from here. Hope today is better for you.

I think you need help with dd if she's sleeping that badly, even if you really feel you can't tell them about the relationship issues you can go for a few days to get some rest and figure out how you feel. Many friends have fled home with a non sleeping dc to get some help.

Don't allow him to blame alcohol.

So many people do that when the truth is that alcohol does not change who you are

It has no power to change your personality.

It acts to 'disinhibit' you. It cannot make you do anything that you are not capable of doing, but it does make you do things that you could, would or want to do when sober, but your sober brain overrides, normally by understanding consequences.

So how he treats you when drunk? How he behaves when drunk? That's who he is.

I was in a relationship with a man who worked offshore, he spent his two weeks home getting mortal, I don't see your OH changing tbh, not whilst he's working away, it's like they try to cram in as much as they can when home and it does nothing apart from upset family life.

No one marries thinking it is temporary - but people and relationships change and sometimes they are no longer sustainable, that sort of thinking will only keep you well and truly stuck in an unhappy repeating pattern.

Depression is not an excuse to curb your responsibilities or to drink or to behave like a wanker. You need to start listening to your own heart and gut. If you are this unhappy, do something about it. Don't let him enjoy 'fragile peace', basically he totally got away with it scottfree and will do the same over and over again. Believe me any telling off he got went in one hungover ear and straight out the other. It doesn't matter if he is an alcoholic or not. Or depressed or not. This is who he is. What matters is what you wrote in your original post. You sound utterly miserable writing a post with tears in the dark ffs. Perhaps you should swallow your pride, get support from your family, and get some space.

Sometimes people outside the relationship notice things that we, inside the relationship, don't notice or don't want to.

Maybe your mother was right these two times, possibly more?

But don't fail to get rid of him, just because they may say I told you so.
Your life and your DD are too valuable for that.