Thinking of getting a toyboy - how wrong is this?

[Sarah36X]

I met my XH when I was 20 and we were married for 14 years - we have a dd (11) and ds (7). This relationship started well but seriously affected my self esteem as after a few years together I felt he no longer appreciated me and he never told me I was beautiful. I should have left earlier on tbh. Eventually he traded me in for a younger model.

I haven't really dated since the separation, but am thinking of getting back on the horse...

I get a fair amount of attention from younger men, one in particular who is 23 (I am 36). But I don't know whether I should go for it. What do you think? I am attracted to him and there is definitely chemistry but I'm worried about being judged negatively.

I'm not really looking for anything too serious in a relationship at the moment. E.g. I'm not planning on marriage or more kids or anything!

Anyway what are your thoughts? Do you know anyone who has dealt with a similar situation? How did it turn out? I greatly appreciate any response.

If they are capable of making a decision for themselves, go for it! A bit of fun is always welcome, and if it turns into anything else, well fuck everyone else's opinions!

Hop back on that horse OP!

I'm 35 and in a happy relationship. But I have a secret crush on a 26 year old. He's adorable, and if I was single I definitely would give it a go.

He probably won't be relationship material for you - I imagine you're at very different places in your lives - but if it's a bit of fun you're after, and as long as he's clear with that too, go for it!

Dh was 22 when we met and I was 34. We have been together for 14 years now. Another couple I knew years ago, the woman was 50 odd, and the man 30 odd. As far as I know, they're still together. My friend's mother was widowed at 40. At 42 she met a 28 year old and they are still together even though she is now in her 70s.

It's not wrong - you 've just been conditioned to believe it is - age is unimportant in other countries/cultures and you should do whatever moves you. Any duck's arse lipped people are just that - duck's arses.

I am 35 and dating a 25 year old. I wouldn't date any old 25 year old, as I think some of interest I've had from 25 year olds on dating sites have had fairly sleazy intentions, but he is cute, clever and charming. He's putting in a lot of effort with me - more than other men I've dated my own age or older. What's not to love?
You can't judge purely on age. Some 25 year olds are very immature and just want to play around. Also some 40 year olds are very immature and just want to play around in my experience.
If you've met someone you are clicking with, you should go for it. Chemistry is hard to find.

Not sure why you title the thread 'getting'..a toyboy.. And you mention 'trading' for a younger model. It sounds like you think of relationships as possessions...... I hope not, because the world of dating will be tough if you do.

oh Fraxinus, do lighten up.

Go for it - a bit of fun never hurt anyone*

• it probably has, but hopefully not in this circumstance x

There are plenty of 40 year old man-children out there, many with baggage too.

I'm not jealous that you might get to shag a 23 year old, not me, noo not at all......

Mrs maison is only 7 years older than me and jokes that I'm her toy boy. One of her frieds advice was ... "Oh just fuck him till you get bored". 15 years later I'm still here.
....( she must have a very high boredom threshold)!!

Just go for it

Thanks so much! It's great to hear some encouragement. I've spoken to a couple of my girlfriends about it and they've been quite negative...

I usually bump into him on the way back from work at my local Starbucks - so I might try and arrange a date and just see how it goes fingers crossed

I'll keep you updated

Tbh I was thinking the same as Fraxinus.

To my mind you date a person, not an age. Your ex left you for another woman, not a younger model. You are thinking of dating another man, not a younger model.

If you get judged, you can explain all the things that you like about this person and it won't include age. If you do it will be from people like you've come across in your OP in which you seem to see age as the most relevant thing.

I was thinking the same as fraxinus too.

I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable with that age gap really, my little brother is 23 and I'd be worried about him if he started dating someone who was 36 and therefore almost old enough to have given birth to him... I'm normally a bit wary about relationships where there is an obvious inequality though; age, money, intelligence etc.

It really is up to you though. Has you self esteem improved? It's not great to get into any relationship really when your self esteem is low.

Based on your OP, I wouldn't TBH. There is nothing wrong with age-gap relationships, but they don't work for everyone. I don't think you are the sort of person it will work for, sorry.

Your XH obviously really hurt you and it doesn't sound like you've dealt with that. The comments of "he never told me I was beautiful" "Eventually he traded me in for a younger model." "I get a fair amount of attention from younger men" - to me it all smacks of someone desperately trying to prove they've not lost their youth or their looks and validating themselves by the amount of sexual attention they're getting.

Given your XH, that's not altogether surprising. I think you're trying to undo the damage done by one man by taking up with another. It rarely works. If potential date dumps you and in any way references your age, you'll be put back beyond square one.

Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh.

I would like to apologise for my slightly improper use of semantics. I do not see relationships as possessions - it was meant to be taken with a pinch of salt. Perhaps if I had dedicated an hour to proof reading my post I would have reworded slightly.

To address the self esteem issue - yes my self esteem was quite low but certainly not rock bottom. I hardly feel desperate or like I have a low sense of worth. I have found my self esteem has in fact increased due to the knowledge that I am hot enough to pull a 20-something - I feel quite proud! As long as both of us see this the same way - neither party looking for anything too serious, I don't feel it is an issue for me to "validate" my sexuality and get a boost to my confidence.

Over the weekend I did go out for drinks with the guy in question and I had a pretty good time, however in accordance with some of your views and my own inklings, I found him too young. After spending some alone time with him I realised he was a little too immature for my liking. However I do feel that this was due to his personality rather than his age.

As previously mentioned, it has been a while since my XH. I have come to terms with this and I don't imagine any large negative impact when my next relationship ends as I am comfortable in myself and coming to terms with my age. I am just looking for a little fun, perhaps an ego boost. In my pursuit of finding a younger man (although a little older than 23!) I have since signed up to a dating website and I'll see where this takes me.

for what it's worth, Mr Meerka is 12 years younger than me. I avoided anything more than normal friendship for a long time becuase of the age gap. it does work for us though ... now ... there was a horribly rocky patch at first. But that's over with and we're doing well.

But it sounds like you've tested the water a bit and it's not quite yoru thing, so fair enough :)

the oddly-wise Dan Savage has a Campsite Rule - if you go out with someone younger, leave them in a better condition than you found them. That means happy, wiser and not disillusioned .. a few other things too but they don't apply here =)

good luck generally

I was going to say 23 years is really young, especially for a male, they usually are more immature than females too. Yes I agree you might have felt you needed the ego boost and good for you, perhaps this young blood did really want to be with you, I'm a bit more sceptical about these things, most 23 year olds (not all) would be looking on you as a cougar and dare I say it, desperate for a bit young attention, making it all feel a bit sordid to me if I was in that position (or lucky enough whatever way you view it).

Nothing wrong with fun but tbh I think dating someone that young wouldn't bring you fun for long, they'd probably bore you to death after the deed has been done.

I think what I am trying to say is he'd have to be a pretty remarkable 23 year old for me to risk my own intelligence on him but also be able to rise above the derogatory comments, whether behind my back or not.

Thanks for updating OP and well done you. It sounds like this man has given you the confidence boost you needed without having to jump into bed with him.

Enjoy online dating, have fun with it, refine your flirting skills and generally have a good time.

Good luck!

Meerka, what are the other things please? Really want to know!

XH2 was 12 years younger than me. The age gap was immaterial in our split - we both agreed on that. We managed to survive having watched different TV programmes as children: for some peculiar reason, loads of people saw that as a problem

Your title made me cringe, too.

XH2 was 27 when we met. I think people change a lot over their twenties and, yes, a 23-year-old would probably have seemed childish to me.

I'm sure you'll have plenty of good times, OP.

About as wrong as a man posting he is getting himself a toy girl. Not semantics.

I agree 23 is probably, as you found, too young. I've had an ongoing flirtation going on with a guy that age (I am 41) for about 18 months, on and off.

He is funny, very charming (in a quite mature and not 23yo way), ridiculously good looking and thinks I'm amazing. BUT nothing has ever happened, because we're at v different stages in our lives (I have an established career, house, financial security and teen DC, whereas he is just starting out, still lives at home, and constantly at his overdraft limit - albeit he does have DC who he supports financially), but mainly because I want a relationship, living together, marriage. And none of that stuff is on his radar. So I just enjoyed the flirting and left it at that

I'm 35 and have 'dated' ie fucked a few 25/26 year olds. All fun as long as everyone's on the same page! ??

mychild the other things? ahem ... don't give them an STI and if they're female, don't leave them preg. I didnt want to put them becuase I thought the OP might feel a bit insulted (blush) it's Dan's rules not mine!

Meerka, surely those are the minimum rules for any relationship, and also I think a 25 year old is the one that is more likely to give the older partner the STD!!!

But I like your other rules and will keep them in mind with my relationship.

Meerka, those rules are a really great way of looking at things.
Velvetspoon, that sounds really familiar! I agree and have left it at a bit of a flirtation.

In terms of what I am currently doing: I have signed up to toyboywarehouse.com which despite the slightly cringey name has produced some pretty decent results! Some of the guys are pretty weird - as expected, this is the internet after all. But I have spoken to a few guys who I am really interested in! They are also a bit nearer to my age, but still have that youthful spirit I like.

Feeling optimistic about the future