Is it time to go or still a chance it will work?

[Middledaughter]

I have been married for 4 years, together for 7. we have 2 small children.

In the time that I've known him we have struggled to find a way to resolve arguments. I want to talk, he shuts down and won't comfort me a I get more upset because he won't talk to me!! In the past we've always made up after few days but never really resolved the problem. In the last 6 months things have got a lot worse. I have lost my temper a number of times which I am not proud of but have been on the end of him telling me I don't care about him or the children, I don't do anything aroudn the house, if I help out friends I am trying to socially climb and apparently, I am trying to put him down infront of others constantly but these put downs are things that are innocuous and I'm not aware that I am saying them.

I have asked for us to go to counselling which he says I'm pathetic to want to try as we should be able to resolve ourselves. I am going alone.

I have said for the sake of the children (in front of whom we don't argue but quite often have frosty atmospheres) we need to learn to resolve arguments. He says we wouldn't have arguments if I wasn't so difficult, confrontational etc and I am not brave enough to make the changes which will save our relationship which are not losing my temper and not talking to others about or relationship. He apparently doesn't need to change anything about himself or to compromise. He says I am constantly trying to control him. That I ruin holidays, weddings etc with my behaviour.

I think I thnk what he says is rubbish and we both need to work on our relationship together but it so very hard to know what to do next. I have lost my gut reactions as this has been going on for a while. I never thought I would leave the father of my children but I don't think I can stay in a situation where we never resolve anything plus I don't believe this is all my fault.

Thank you. I know that if heard a friend going through this I'd be telling her to escape but somehow when you're in it the same rules don't seem to apply. Plus an exit is not an easy thing to do. We love in the centre of a village and I am desperate to keep the kids here as the have friends, pre school, security etc but I know I won't get him to go without a fight and I don't really feel like I have the guts. That's why I want him to be totally awful all the time so I can justify it! I am also scared about family fall out as his lot will be devastated but unable to talk about it.

He has shown some effort recently like less drinking, arranging an interview etc but when it comes to an argument I am always wrong, always 'trying to impress other people' or to put him down, or to make a point. Having come from a background where we openly discuss and resolve problems I know I can't live with someone for whom that isn't possible but I feel so guilty about what the consequences will be for him and our children. You can't help but think it is your fault or that you could have done things differently.

You have seemingly not as yet sought any legal advice; I would suggest you do so asap so you know where you properly stand.

You could still perhaps stay in the village with these children. This house as it is though is not really a home is it, well not as it stands. Its not really their sanctuary is it?. They sense all the frosty atmospheres though between you and perhaps even blame themselves for their parents problems. You have also trodden on eggshells aka living in fear long enough. You have certainly modified your own behaviours over time.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships here because currently both of you are doing your fair bit to teach them a whole lot of damaging lessons. No nice village or school will go anywhere near compensating for that.

I would read up on co-dependency as well as this can often feature in relationships where excessive alcohol consumption is a feature.

Abusers as well can be nice occasionally but they do nice/nasty very well and that is also a continuous cycle.

No man is above the law and he can be made to leave if he proves difficult to get out of the marital home. You seem very afraid of him; that fear can also keep people trapped in marriages that they should really have got out of far sooner.

I would talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247.

Please be careful middle men that are abusers do not like to give up their victims easily.

Plan carefully, have counselling via your gp (if private then check out BACP website), this will help to empower you, give you strength, insight and support.

Do you have any rl support?