I think I might be writing this simply to get my thoughts out, but I would love to hear if anyone else can empathise with my situation.
I have been with dh for just less than 8 years and we have three children. I will be totally honest although I feel awful for admitting it, but if I had not become pregnant with our first child I am not sure we would still be together. I am not sure I love him or have ever loved him.
He is not a bad person in any way, but we don't have a spark between us. I see the way other people look at their dh or the way they talk about them, and even when they are moaning about them there is an obvious affection underlying whatever they say.
I guess I felt that many relationships start off with you feeling madly in love and run the risk of coming unstuck when the tedium of daily life takes over. I hoped that, perhaps like in a successful arranged marriage, our common needs and hopes for the family would help us to build our relationship and that love could grow.
I still actually think this could happen, but my dh is such an absolutely AWFUL communicator that I am losing patience and beginning not to care anymore.
We went to Relate a few years ago (when we had only one child) and this helped for a while. We were given techniques to "re-connect" with each other each day (basically just ensuring we talked for a few minutes before getting on with dinner, bedtimes etc) but we quickly became complacent and stopped doing this.
Over the last year or so we have ended up doing different things in the evenings once the kids are in bed - one watching TV and the other on the computer for instance. Even when we did watch tv together there was no conversation.
I tried to start a discussion about our relationship on a number of occasions but when I ask dh for his view, opinion, or how he feels about what I have said he really stumbles for something to say which frustrates me. I spend quite a bit of time thinking about how distant we are from each other but I get the impression that he doesn't worry about it as he doesn't have anything to say about it!
Once, I arranged for a babysitter so we could go out for dinner (a couple of months before third baby was due) and after a while I said perhaps we should talk about how our relationship was doing because in a while, with the new baby,we would be under even more pressure as a couple. Unfortunately we were the only people in the restaurant so he said he didn't want to talk in case we were overheard. I said OK, but I wanted him to find the right time to raise the discussion again - of course, he didn't.
I then arranged for us to go and see a private counsellor. She gave us an exercise in communicating - we had to take it in tunrs to talk for about 5 minutes and then the listener had to say what they had heard - ie ensure they had properly listened to the speaker. We managed this once. We made a second visit to the counsellor (only days before baby due) and she added to our homework by suggesting dh ask me how I am at least once a week - he has never done it.
I will no doubt at some point try to open up a discussion again, but I am upset that it always takes me to raise the problem. I feel that if he cared enough he would be saying "we haven't done our 5 minute discussion thing for a while" or what ever.
He is a great dad, but I have told him that whilst I appreciate this, it is not the same as being a great husband - I need a companion as well as a father for my children. I am far from innocent as I find it v hard to be affectionate to him - although I am not sure now whether this is because I feel so disconnected from him.
I have been in a previous relationship where communication was v much better but we also shared morpe interests and had no children - not sure if this is what is making the difference. I just want him to talk to me!! Anyone been through this too?