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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would we go about getting help re: partners drinking?

16 replies

OrangeCooker · 12/02/2014 14:47

Husband has finally admitted he has a problem. We are still love each very much, but I can't live with this treatment anymore.

How would we go about getting some help for his drinking?

I called Al Anon and they were very unhelpful. I was told I should attend meeting, I said I couldn't as I have 2 dc under 2 with no one to look after them. After that I was told to read about help or do a google search.

Should I see the GP? Should my husband? The HV?

We don't have money for private counselling.

OP posts:
exWifebeginsat40 · 12/02/2014 14:50

see the GP and find out what Drug and Alcohol services there are in your area. where i am you can self-refer and they have various treatment options, most of which are outpatient.

i find AA meetings really helpful but i know it's not for everyone.

you need to keep the communication going between the two of you. by the time i got into recovery my husband had just plain had enough and we are separated.

wishing you all the luck with this. alcoholism is a destructive disease, and not just to the drinker.

Louisem81 · 12/02/2014 14:51

I think doctor would be first stop ...they will put u in touch with other help providers...it would b best if u went with ur husband and the doctor could arrange counselling for both of u...my mum was a drinker and the doctor was a great help but ur husband has to admit to doctor that he needs help....good luck xx

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2014 14:57

"Husband has finally admitted he has a problem. We are still love each very much, but I can't live with this treatment anymore.

How would we go about getting some help for his drinking? "

No, no and no again. You used the word WE - no, you must not use that word ever when it comes to alcoholism!. His alcoholism is NOT your responsibility or something to take ownership of. You've also played a role here in his alcoholism; one of enabler and codependent. You absolutely must not enable him, it does not help him or you as enabling gives you a false sense of control.

Alcoholism is truly a family disease and you're in deep as well.

What has he done to date about his drink problem?. Sounds like he has just paid lip service to it. Its down to him and he alone to seek help and he may well still be saying that, "yeah he does indeed have a problem" because that is what you so badly want to hear.

He should to my mind leave the marital home now.

Unless he himself decides to get help and you can play NO part in that process then there is nothing you can do to help him. You can only help your own self here.

Is it really the case there is no-one to look after your children?. At the very least you could read Al-anon's literature on the subject. I would also suggest you read up on co-dependency as this state is often a feature of such relationships. A book called "Co-dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie is a book you should read.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2014 14:59

He has to be the one to go to the GP and has to do so of his own volition. If he wants to stop because of you or because you have told him to such an attempt is doomed to failure.

The 3cs re alcoholism are indeed ones you would do well to remember:-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this

Note that last one in particular.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2014 15:03

Your husband needs to drive this, not you. If you need help for yourself that's different but he has to fully engage with his own recovery, take the initiative and do reading, the Googling and attending the meetings. Otherwise, even though he's admitted there is a problem, that will be as far as it goes.

Worst case scenario if you seem to be too much in charge of things - and I have experienced this personally - is that he will start to see you as the authority figure spoiling his fun. You will become the person to sneak drinks past. When he falls off the wagon he will find a way to blame you. He will resent your involvement.

Original poster
OrangeCooker · 12/02/2014 15:05

That you for your help and advice.

I've asked him to speak to the GP and to get an appointment. I said if he didn't do this then he will be asked to leave and we will separate.

He said it's not something he wants and for the first time in 10 years has admitted he has a problem. I was just wondering if there were such services where we could speak to a counsellor together, or if, in this situation, he should be dealing with the problem himself.

I have no family I can speak with or get support from, but am able to talk with a friend about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
OrangeCooker · 12/02/2014 15:06

I've been crying all day actually, but trying to hold it together for the children. Don't want them to see me fall apart.

OP posts:
JeanSeberg · 12/02/2014 15:12

The obvious question is why are you doing the phoning round and not him?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/02/2014 15:13

"I've asked him to speak to the GP and to get an appointment. I said if he didn't do this then he will be asked to leave and we will separate.
He said it's not something he wants and for the first time in 10 years has admitted he has a problem. I was just wondering if there were such services where we could speak to a counsellor together, or if, in this situation, he should be dealing with the problem himself".

He may well have admitted to a problem only because you told him you would separate from him otherwise. That scenario, if this is the case, is not a good sign of him being serious about him actually wanting to address his alcoholism and causes of.

Has he as yet made an appointment with the GP?. If he has not I would tell him to go. Infact you need to ask him to leave as of now anyway; your children do not need or warrant having a drunkard for a dad around them and nor do you. You need space and time apart. I would seek legal advice for your own self asap.

He should be dealing with the problem himself and without any input from you. Forget joint counselling as well. If counselling is considered you need to go on your own to any such sessions.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/02/2014 15:24

It's OK to support him but he really does have to deal with the problem himself. As I say, even if you think all you're doing is being supportive, it can still mean you receive no thanks and instead become a figure of resentment. He's only acting now because you've given him an ultimatum. He didn't volunteer this.

I'm sorry you're in this situation and I know how incredibly depressing it is to have to push someone you care for to the edge before they take things seriously. Even then, it is a thankless task and the chances of success are slim. Stay realistic

justgivein · 12/02/2014 15:34

He needs to get to AA on his own .I attended a couple of meetings and the people there from all walks of life really befriended me straight away.I was asigned a mentor who encouraged me to ring for support at any time but in the end it was the tragic stories at the meetings that helped me to give up for nine months .It really helps to meet others in the same situation.

rosiesarered · 12/02/2014 16:57

he needs to go to the gp.
what others are saying is right he has to do it himself and if you need support you get that for you from somewhere else. you might be able go with him to counselling, i went with my ex once.
gp will refere him to somewhere, in the end my ex was offered a place on residential detox and the anti alcohol tablets can help but that's really a last resort.
you need to be realistic and know that even if he really really wants to get better he will have set backs and recovering from addiction is a lifelong struggle

Loopytiles · 12/02/2014 17:08

There will be services to help him, if he contacts them.

Don't give up on al-anon without trying it, presumably you can't leave your DC with him due to the alcohol problem, but is there a friend who might help or any money for a babysitter for a couple of hours? Some Childminders, nursery workers and nannies do babysitting, and it'd be a good idea anyway to have childcare back-up.

Original poster
OrangeCooker · 12/02/2014 18:19

Thank you for the advice everyone. I'll keep out of it and if he comes home sober tonight, will start making plans to separate.

Feel incredibly low.

There's no money for a babysitter. I'm on mat leave and husband spends any spare cash on going out.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 12/02/2014 18:24

Sorry to hear that orangecooker. Hope you're able to get some support for yourself in RL, as well as MN/online Brew

Timeforabiscuit · 12/02/2014 20:08

I'm so sorry you're going through this orange, but your part in this is incidental - all the momentum for change MUST come from him.

AA is very useful for working through issues for you - not as a couple, as it can give you headspace and perspective.

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