Relationship breakdown

[MolotovCocktail]

Relations between myself and immediate family have just completely broken down with my extended family.

We have had our ups and downs, like most families, but this follows months (prob 2 years) of falseness, and terrible gossip and backstabbing that's just come to surface. It's really horrible.

After all that has happened and been said, I'm don't want them in my life. Too much damage has been done.

I feel weird today, though. I'm still angry; still have things I want to say, but won't have the opportunity to. In a way, that's good, I suppose.

I don't know what I'm asking for. I just needed a place to mark my thoughts.

You don't have to have family in your life if you don't want to. You don't have to make it a Big Thing however. There's no need for an official declaration of no contact. Just get on with your own life and give them a wide berth. Do you all live in the same town?

Hi Cogito, I'm glad you've answered, thank-you. I've read advice you've given on other Relationships threads and I must say that I always think your advice is great.

I know that there doesn't need to be a geand statement about 'The End' but I have tried to ignore the nonsense ans remain dignified. It has gone past that now and a few calls and texts have gone about, with most of mine being ignored.

That's okay, but I suppose I feel foolish: like I haven't had a chance to really defend myself/DM, etc, yet I've listened to and read horrible things said about us.

We do live in the same town. I actually bumped into one extendes family member before Christmas who briefly stopped her car, then rolled her window up in the middle of our (brief) conversation.

I just feel a bit of a mug, you know?

(please excuse my type-o's in that last post! )

Agree , sometimes in order to grow we need to let go of family and all the baggage that comes with them and move on. Takes time but you will get through it and have more respect for yourself.

Yes, it's definitely time to move on. Too many cruel things have been said to us, that camnot be taken back or forgotten. It has all happened within the last couple of weeks, specifically the last two days. I need to give it time.

Would it be appropriate to return a birthday card sent to my dd from another extended family member? I feel certain that a lot of gossip has stemmed from her, and I don't feel comfortable accepting the card for my dd.

Unfortunately, you're in a no win situation. If you present your side of the story to people who have no interest in listening you simply add fuel to their gossipy fire. If you keep your distance and stay quiet then you're the 'snotty one' ... :) although they will eventually get bored with you and move onto their next target. So choose which approach would make you feel happier but don't expect to change anyone's attitude. When you can't please anyone, please yourself.

Pity you all live on top of each other.

"Would it be appropriate to return a birthday card "

No. That's just more fuel on the fire. Burn the card, shred the card, jump up and down on the card.... but don't return it.

Okay, Cogito, thanks for that. I can see how that would add fuel to the gossip fire and I know when I talk it over with DH, he'll probably say precisely the same thing.

What if there's money inside the card? What would you advise in that scenario, please?

There is a good chance we'll bump into eachother, but honestly, I would walk in the other direction rather than waste any more time or energy.

It's true that they hold false beliefs, and it isn't possible for me to change their minds. I suppose I just need to learn to accept that this is the way things are now and move on. Let go of the baggage, because that's all it is. I certainly don't want my children embroiled within a poisonous family.

I am very fortunate to have an immediate family where we genuinely love (and like!) eachother. They're who my energies ans and focus need to be on. It'll just take time for things to quieten down (and for me to stop mulling it all over in my head).

Although you see things from your point of view they equally see things from their point of view. You cannot change them though, you can only change yourself and how you deal with things. You can choose to not have them in your life and eventually the hurt and anger will fall away.

Keep the cash :) Put it in a charity box if you consider it dirty money. And a polite 'hello' before you walk the other way if you bump into this person will keep you on the moral high-ground. It's a great view from up there.

Thank-you Milly and thank-you Cogito. I may well donate the money to a charity. Dd is veey interested in animal welfare, so a donation to that would be better.

I'll bear in mind your words about the view from high on the moral high ground. I've not lost my temper, swore or slandered. It's something good to think about.

Thank-you both again.