Am I stuck with him

[mummyto2boysandagirl3]

Some of u may have seen my thread on aibu the other day about me having mastitis and dh not helping.

I'm still not feeling well but iv had enough. I don't want to b with him anymore. He constantly belittles me for being a sahm ( prior to dc I had the "better" job) is short tempered with the dc (never violent) and overlooks the fact they r children he expects far too much from them. He is constantly moaning at me about everything but mostly money. I know we aren't flush and money is tight but if I buy anything at all I am in for days of constant moaning about the bills/bank balance. Yet it seems perfectly acceptable for him to go but xbox games and clothes for himself and of course his beer money for nights out once a month. If me or the dc dare to b Ill when he has a night out planned I will get hell about how he never gets to go anywhere (except football every Sunday and lads nights out after pay day every month and all his mates r getting married now so of course the stag dos) and I ruin everything for him. He will still go out then when I phone him to tell him he needs to come back cos oohs trip is needed I get given a mouthful about how unfair I am and he will sulk for days.

I don't even trust him anymore he's got this snapchat thing on his phone that deletes any pictures/msgs that have been sent y would he need that?

As stated in my other thread he never helps when I'm ill cos apparently I'm not ill/over reacting nothing is ever as serious as when he has it.

I did want 4 dc but I can't put up with him anymore. Anyone any advice on how I go about things? He was not like this before the dc this has been a gradual thing since having them we have grown apart massively and seems our views on parenting r polar opposite!

I haven't worked for 5 yrs so won't get a job that will anywhere near cover my child care costs and have no one that could step in as child care I also really don't want to leave my dc now that iv committed to being a sahm I feel guilty like I'm abandoning them even tho I know I am not some of the happiest kids I know have working mums and have a fantastic bond so pls no one take that the wrong way I am just a bit angry at thought of having to change how I parent as iv been happy with that.

Iv no friends at all all stopped speaking to me cos of dh and thinking back he used to put a stop to a lot of my socialising way back so by time the dc came a long I wasn't socialising at all as had literally no friends. He talked me in to coming off fb so I have no way of reconnecting with ppl now.

I have ocd and when I have asked him to leave he just tells me that he will have the dc taken from me cos of my mental illness.

Iv had enough I just want it to b me and the dc I think we would all b a lot happier but I have no idea how to do it cos I have no money or anything in my name apart from my name being on mortgage.

Sorry for long post and bit of a rant but if anyone has any advice I'd be v grateful I want a better life than this for my dc

"(I'm still taking responsibility as I ultimately aloud this to happen)"

I'm going to disagree with you on this one. :) You did not set out to be in a relationship with a bully. When you met him he won't have behaved the way he does now. If he had, he'd never have got a second date. Abusive people are very sly and manipulative. They lay out their traps carefully, get you on board by hiding their true selves and then, gradually... very gradually... they chip away at you with a insult here and a criticism there.

When he first objected to you going out with your friends how did he put it? Something flattering no doubt that made it seem perfectly reasonable that you'd want to be with him and not your girlfriends. Being 'funny about your weight' probably started with flattery as well. He loved your figure but... ooh be careful.... little spare tyre there you might want to get rid of.... just joking babe... where's your sense of humour?

So please don't think you've let any of this happen. You haven't.

It shows up what an imbecile he is, those sort of personal criticisms are laughable, you have dc and are a size 8? I take my hat off to you. He's likely well aware you can do better than him and trying to make sure you never realise that. Think about how restful it'll be not to hear his lies to motivate you.

I definitely think you should call women's aid. He's emotionally abusing you. I hope they are able to help.

Contact rights of women their phone lines are manned by solicitors. You'll get good legal advice hopefully.

And the Snapchat thing will be a quick fix ego boost, any female daft enough to swap pics will be unaware of his oafish personality. He is so desperate to seem the alpha male in your house he has to stoop to insults. It's a cheap way of building himself up at your expense.

Emotionally detaching he feels free to heap on unkindnesses. Eventually as your DCs get older he will feel more inadequate and start in on them.

Take care OP and get advice.

I have always been insecure about my looks. I was a size 8/10 when I met him he kept saying he liked skinny girls so I lost weight told myself I wanted to anyway and ended up a size 6 I'm 5ft 9 1/2 so I looked gaunt and when I say size 6 some of my stuff was baggy. I ended up comfort eating along the way with ttc not going so well and some mcs so got to a 14/16 which tbh I felt rotten and would've wanted to lose the weight for myself anyway but I remember him putting me on a low gi diet 2 days after an mc as I'd said before I'd got the bfp I thought it'd help and I know it wasn't healthy but all I wanted to do was cry cuddle the 2 I had (was before dd) and feed my face full of junk. Ultimately I ended up sneaking to the shops and takeaway while he was at work and filling my face and I got a telling off about the money.

He frequently tells me he hates his life (our dc have some v minor health problems so sometimes can b a bit difficult) I have ruined it and I have made the dc horrible by cuddling them too much. We can not agree on parenting styles. I'm not a judgey mum but I really am 100% on my parenting and it seems to b the only thing left I'm confident enough to not back down. (I don't have any issues with ppl doing things different to me I just want to do what feels right for my own)

I think he would like to leave and have my suspicions there's someone else I don't think anything has happened but I think he'd like it to. He has made everyone think he is perfect and I am shit so I don't think he will go as it will make him look bad if that makes sense? If it's going to fall apart he wants me to look bad.

He frequently tells me he's embarrassed by me he doesn't take me to any work dos or when his mates have bbqs and they often have a takeaway night him and his mates they take it in turns to have a takeaway at each other's houses dws all go except me and when it's dhs turn they go to the Chinese. I only found out about this as we took dd in to his office when she was born and one of his mates (also works at same place) made a comment about bbqs and takeaway nights and they dc r delightful I should relax and let them go to the bbqs and get a sitter when dd was bigger for takeaway night. Turns out dh had been telling his mates that I won't leave the dc (it's true I don't enjoy it but I also never have any cause to) and won't take them to the bbqs bcos they r badly behaved but had been telling me it was a lads thing. He then told me this was bcos I was an embarrassment I'm a freak with my ocd and he doesn't want me spoiling his time with his mates. Dd was a wk old!

My confidence is completely rock bottom but I will find some and get rid of him I don't want to subject my dc to this any longer than needed

Sorry x posts with a couple of u

Fuzzy thank u I will have a look and call them

Donkey can u explain snap chat to me I don't really understand it iv just been told it's for sending naughty/flirty pics etc and they only stay visible for a few minutes then r automatically deleted? Am I right in thinking this isn't something a married father of 3 should have on his phone?

That's what I was told it is - admittedly not necessarily sexting but if he is glued to his phone and generally secretive he might be messing about.

Is it something worth mentioning to a solicitor or will bringing it up confirm dhs picture he paints of me as crazy paranoid woman?

I don't c y ud need an app that deletes the pics/msgs if u had nothing to hide?

snapchat isn't just for flirty pics etc. me and dp and friends send funny pics etc.

but more importantly, I really hope you find the strength to leave this man. he ticks all the boxes of an emotional abuser. he will drag you down to the pits purely so he can control you and make you not leave (no one will want you, your fat etc as an example). You should not feel bad about how you look? you got 3 DC and are a size 8..I doubt many women can say that.

please call Women's aid for advice. You need to leave this horrible , sick man. you will find you will feel alot better and calmer without him.

Tbh if he is looking for a new relationship good riddance he may announce that he wants to end this soon. I am not an expert but you have so much to describe to a solicitor I don't think you even need to speculate what he's up to if anything. I would hate to think he'd get in first, and imply you are in any way at fault.

Oh lovely you sounds like you could do with a really big hug. (( )).

Be strong. You sound like you'll be great without him.

Noone would put up with your shit???? Errrrrr no, correction. No one else will put up with HIS shit.

I know a single mum who has OCD. She is a brilliant mum but has to be told to stop cleaning sometimes. I wish I could let her loose in my house. She's found making jokes about it and being open helps.

You will be fine after you get this loser out of your life

I have started doing the freedom programme and I am finding it a real help- I too felt responsible for how he had treated me...why did I let him? But it really does help you to understand that it's nothing you do or have done, it's who he is. Highly recommend it for you too.

Also the course covers how much of a negative impact such an abusive man has on the children. I know he will probably end up having contact with your children if you separate, but your kids won't grow up seeing dad talking down to mum, demeaning her. You will be their main carer (a selfish man like that wouldn't be interested in doing more than the bare minimum of parenting surely? 3 kids on his own would be too much like hard work! My H has happily slipped into 'weekend dad' role). You will get to shape their upbringing and make their home a happy and safe one. Kids aren't stupid, they grow up and realise who really cares. I see this with my teenage stepchild- they see my H as a cash machine and little else as he has been such a poor parent over the years. I would hate for my son to grow up to behave like his dad.

The women running the freedom course also said I may be eligible for legal aid. Even though I have never called the police or anything. They said they would write me a letter explaining I had been subject to EA and that may be enough to qualify for help. Another thing that's made me feel a little bit more in control of my situation. So please do speak to WA and get any help you can- I have found there is plenty out there.

I have low self esteem and no self confidence after 7 years with my H. Your mental health will improve greatly once you are free from him. Mine is! Speak to a solicitor, call WA, lean on family, reconnect with old friends. Remember to look after yourself too-if it all seems too hard, a few deep breaths and tackle it one thing at a time.

Well I seem to have sorted my worry about being able to feed the dc did a quick benefit calculator online and I'm entitled to enough to cover bills food etc if I can get council to house us private rent would b too much and I couldn't cover the mortgage so we will need to sell the house as doubt dh will pay if he's not living here.

Anyone in this position how did u get ur dh to accept what u wanted and go? I obv can't just take off to prove I mean it as have 3 dc but I know he won't go easily.

I know he will make out it is all my fault but I'm so unhappy and I think my dc r picking up on it ds2 is sticking to me like glue at the moment (he is full of cold but more than normal) usually they dh happy to c their daddy but tonight all 3 just wanted me and hardly bothered with him. I don't want him upsetting them anymore ds2 has had a telling off cos he woke up coughing. Seems that's being manipulative as he's got his own way now iv brought him in with me so he could b comfortable. Dh has now slunk off to the spare room with the laptop

I've not been in that position.
I would advise you call Womens Aid today and they can help you understand what you are entitled to... or they will point you in the right direction.
I hope you manage to call them today and start to get your exit plan sorted out.
You are sounding much stronger and much more positive.
You will get out and you will be so much happier.
Keep posting for support.

Thank u everyone I will phone wa at wkend as dh is going to b out.

I know this a weird thing to ask but as I seem to have a warped view of a normal relationship could someone give me an idea of what is normal when one parent sah with the dc. I know I chose to give up my career but should I have also given up access to money (I don't have a bank account he encouraged me to close it and we had a joint account when pg with dc1 then about 6 months ago he closed the account and switched to another bank but all in his name so no longer joint keeps saying he'll add me to it but never does and wants his name as the lead on the dc savings accounts but it's currently me) and basic things like clothes haircuts etc not as a luxury but when generally needed. Ive not had my hair cut for 5 yrs and I'm currently wearing clothes that iv had about 10 yrs and r looking it too. I'm not saying shod I b able to go to self ridges but a couple of basic things from primark?should I have to do all the housework even when I'm ill? Do other ppls dh do these kind of things?

A normal relationship is where the money is family money - not necessarily a joint account but a situation where both partners have access to the money they need to keep the family going. The joint account you had meets those criteria, what your DH did to close that account and transfer it into is own name is known as financial abuse.

It is also not normal for one partner to have free spending on clothes, treats etc. but for the other partner not to have this - when all the essentials are paid for, both should have equal amounts of money to spend.

It is normal when one partner is ill for the other partner to pick up the slack. Doesn't matter whether one is a SAHM and the other works, this is what you do. My DH and I both work - when one of us if not well, the other picks up all the housework, childcare etc. At the moment my DH is suffering with back pain and depression so I am doing more when we are both home - however he still does what he can. When I am away overnight with work in a few weeks' time, he will do everything. That's how people in a loving partnership treat each other.

It is also not normal to call your partner 'fat' (whether they are or not) and it is not normal for the working partner to do nothing at all on weekends - both parties should have equal leisure time.

You really need to do the Freedom Programme.

Thank u :) sorry to sound thick but what is the freedom programme?

Have copied this from a thread elsewhere, hope it explains:

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk.

The Freedom Programme© is a domestic abuse programme which was created run by Pat Craven. The Programme was primarily designed for women as victims of domestic violence, to learn about the issues, beliefs, attitudes and behaviours which make up domestic abuse. The Freedom Programme© examines the roles played by attitudes and beliefs on the actions of abusive men and the responses of women victims and survivors. The aim is to help women who have experience domestic abuse to make sense of and understand what has happened to them, instead of the whole experience just feeling like a horrible mess. it also shows the contrast between abusive relationships and non-abusive, supportive relationships.

You can do the course online alone but it is free to attend a group in person. the link above will let you search for your nearest course. The advantage of this is that you meet real people who have similar experiences and stories and can gain insight and support from them, as well as making some friends.

I am sure Shineywhiney can elaborate x

Thank u :)