is it me?

[topsy1]

haven't really posted before - but could really do with a bit of help... sorry if its long
i have a ds whos 21 mths and another db due in a couple of months. my dh has always had mood swings (i think he does but he denies this) - hes NEVER violent, but he sulks and can go a long time without speaking. i'm the opposite - i like to clear the air quickly.
i'm not doing much work at the moment due to ds and db, and he has had to go out and work hard - i used to be the main breadwinner. he seems to resent the fact that i'm at home and does NOTHING around the house - i do all the cooking, cleaning, washing etc plus i'm a sahm for mour ds. he does nothing for our ds except milk and story at bedtime. if i ask him ( and i have to ask) he gets cross and says he doesn't like to be asked but he never offers.
he adores our ds sometimes to the point of worship, but doesn't seem to realise that it might not be the quantity of time but the quality of time he spends with him (if he does look after ds he ususally watches sport as well)
it all came to a head again yesterday when we were meant to be going out as a family - he did nothing to help, but had a lenghty bath and a read of the paper - i did the dogs, ds and made a picnic - when we set off i was upset - he asked what was wrong, i told him and he continue to ask the same question, even though i had answered several times.
i got very upset - we fianlly went out and did what he wanted to do, mainly because he says i don't make an effort. he then met up with some friends and went for a drink (it was around 4pm). i didn't want to stay with dh - not suitable and ds was bored! so went home.
to cut a long story slightly shorter - he came home around 8.30 pissed - ds long in bed - didn't say a word to me and sat in another room and watched tv. when i went through at 10pm and asked what had happened - he said to leave him alone and what had he done wrong...then found out he had been at the pub next door since 6 but hadn't phoned or come round.
are my being unreasonable? he spent 25 quid on drink when i haven't been able to go shopping all week cause no money. should i expect him to help more when hes working? i don't mind him going out, just would like to be told whats happening? there are other things but am i expecti ng too much. my family live at the other end of the country and i've started to feel very alone. does anyone have any advice?
thanks (sorry its so long)

don't think you are xpecting too much, i'm afraid i have no advice for you but i'm sure someone will come along soon.

What was your relationship like before children and what was the divide of household responsibility like? Have you had any conversation about his true feelings? It is always tricky when one or both of you are already annoyed to discuss things logically.

One theory is that he is stressed and anxious due to the increased responsibility he now feels at being the main breadwinner. Therefore resentful of being asked to also do things around the house/with the children.

Another theory is that he is being a man and using excuses to evade household tasks.

He's being a dickhead. Sorry.

I'm sorry but he sounds like my ex - 'ex' for exactly the reasons you stated - mopey, mood swings, not taking responsibility etc etc. We didn't have kids which made it easier to leave. I'm sorry no advice but feel very for you, expecting a baby should be a happy time.

Do you want out?

thanks alot for your replies - no i don't think i want out at the moment - we went through a difficult patch about a year ago and i made the decision to stay then - now because of ds i want to make it work more than ever.
i think that you might be right Ags - we got married when he was quite old (hes 10 years older) and i don't think he ever had to take responsiblity for anyone else than himself - however - i'm a little fed up with that being an excuse?! how do we move on from that...it would be really nice to feel as though i was being looked after instead of having to do all the looking after.
sorry another rant..

Relate?

I think the worst thing about your story is the fact that he spent £25 on booze when you have not got any money for shopping . I am just ......... speechless at that.

i've suggested councelling but he doesn't think there is a problem espeically one we couldn't deal with. he thinks that really i'm just over emotional and irrational - maybe i am? to be fair - sometimes i don't think he really thinks about how i feel, just how he feels. i dunno...

Have it out with him - i find it best. DH and I can go for ages just being sulk at eachother, but when we really have it out, its alot better. Have you anywhere to stay a few days? Pack your bags and leave a note saying what youve basically said here, and go. If he doesnt care...well. But it might give him a shock and boost him back into reality! You cant just go on how you are... Is this what you want your life to be like forever? Hes just getting away with it. Good Luck x

Hi again topsy. Definitely don't think you're being unreasonable at all and have just read back over your thread and that you do still want to work at it with DH. Having had a very sulky ex as I mentioned, I was a bit more up front with my expectations of my DH and have been quite vocal sometimes about it when he doesn't meet my expectations. I don't think this has been a bad thing at all in our relationship - a few 'heated' discussions have ensued but results have generally been positive. btw he's 11 yrs older than me too.

When we got together the age difference didn't affect us as much as our previous lifestyles - I'd always lived with others and didn't really like being on my own much. He'd lived by himself a lot and needed time by himself. Of course when DS came along (same age as yours) things change and time by yourself becomes a distant memory. DH didn't cope well at all. We really had to work hard to resolve the situation as he ended up withdrawing completely and like you, I felt that i had to do everything and he wasn't helping at all. The solution for us was to allocate definite times during the week that are just for him - so he knows he will have time to himself, but equally I get time for me. I also had to spell out for him exactly what my expectations were and I told him that I wasn't going to ask him to do stuff, but I just expected him to get on with it. I think sometimes we women expect men to 'know' what we want from them but they just don't get it - they're not as socially adept as us poor things! The other practical thing I did was to teach DH exactly what needs to be in the change bag and it's now his responsibility to get that ready before we go anywhere - so I can concentrate on DS + anything else. If I need anything else I write a list and just give it to him and ask him to sort that stuff out by the time we leave.

The other really important thing I did was to get myself a life - not wanting to sound sad - but all I did was go to work 2 days a week and then spend the rest of my time with DS or DH. What really made me feel happier was when I started going out on my own again in the evenings - just round to a friends house or something nice, I also started a course at college where I met 'non-baby' people and talked about stuff completely unrelated to home.

Sorry about the long post - matched your opening I think. Hope some of the practical stuff can be of help. WHen's your baby due btw? I can definitely recommend joining and ante-nata; thread on here for some 'time-out' - I'm on the september one and it's been great being able to have the occasional 'vent' and discuss all those little pg niggles etc.

Good luck with your DH, hope he comes round.

thank you so much liquidclocks - some really helpful advice, i'm definatly going to try it out..feel abit better having some pointers to the direction and not feeling quite so overwhelmed - it is easy to feel that everything is the end of the world, esp when pg (its due in nov)thanks again.x

I'm sure you'll be ok topsy - and I'm no expert on happy relationships at all, I don't know if anyone's is 'perfect'. But as long as you and your DH love each other and you can talk about stuff you'll muddle through. Goodness knows there's been a few times this pg I've seriously considered if I'd be better off on my own - then I wake up next morning and wonder what I was so upset about!