dealing with your parents marital problems

[geekgrrl]

Hi all,

I'm visiting my parents at the moment and as per usual my mum is behaving like a complete bitch towards my dad.
She snaps at him, berates him, he can't do anything without it being the wrong thing.
My dad is peace-loving and easy-going and just puts up with this. Until the Easter holidays (which we also spent with my parents) he'd never spoken to me about this, but things really came to a head then when my mother vindictively told him that she'd ask for a divorce after the holidays because apparently he'd not been paying her enough attention . It was too much for him and he had a bit of a quiet emotional breakdown.

Well, it's all like this again now. And here I am right in the middle of it. My mum doesn't shy away from bitching at my father in front of me and then looking to me for encouragement - I just told her to not look at me for comment and walked away. I'm not my parents' marriage counsellor. On the other hand I to talk to my dad about it, because he doesn't have anyone to talk to and has been ground down so much by the constant bitchy comments.

Should I just keep out? I don't want to talk to my mum directly because she's manipulative and will just start crying or tell me all about how my dad had an affair 25 years ago.

My family have a solid habit of sweeping everything under the carpet and papering over the cracks. nothing ever gets discussed, and to be honest I don't feel up to instigating a change.

If you don't feel like instigating change (which I can completely understand) I think the best you can do is be there for your dad and continue to let your mum know that you do not support her behaviour.
Can you turn it round jokily - ooh, mum, stop nagging the poor man - kind of thing to break the tension?

thanks cupcakes, that's my feeling on this too. My poor father seemed to have got into the mindset that he really is a complete arse. He's a nice man and is always lovely to my mum. Bloody hell, if it was me I would have left years ago. TBH I know this sounds awful but I wish my mum would go through with a divorce. I'm sure my dad would have a much better life.

Look, I'd say the rot has already set in if you know what I mean. My parents were like that for all of our life, she demenaed him constantly always trying to get us to put the boot in too. My brothers always fell for it and took her side, speaking rudely to our dad, wheras us girls saw her for what she was really doing, she was bitter and unhappy and hated having so many childre when he could go out at weekends she wouldn't go and then she hated him for going without her! He couldn't win at all!
But they seperated after 30years of marriage and everyone who knows them said it was for the best, my dad finally had an affair, with someone who didn't berate him, or made him feel useless. That was when my mum threw him out. She treated him like shit for years and then expected him to stay about and still be treated like shit once all the kids had left home.. I'm glad he finally had enough.. not glad that he had to have an affair but glad he escaped.

I'd do as cc has said, make a joke of it or sigh loudly when she does it... I done that for ages!

What a horrible situation. I totally agree that you are not their marriage counsellor, but I also feel maybe you shouldn't get involved on either side and should perhaps encourage them to go and speak to someone neutral. Even though you are their daughter i doubt that you know all the ins and outs of the situation.

I do really understand, because my in-laws have been like this all the years I have known them. When they used to try to involve me by asking "what do you think?'I used to answer ''don't involve me I don't know''I used to swing regularly between thinking my mil had a point/ my fil had a point. Now my fil has been dead 2 years my mil misses him dreadfully - I think in a way it had become a way of life for them

That's it Pollylogos "A way of life" That's so true. Now on the rare occasions they are in the same room/house together they are still the same!

Oh Geek, sounds awful.

One thing that I would say is to listen to both sides before making a decision. Right now your mum is sounding like the baddie in this, but perhaps there is a reason?

My mum left my dad when I was 11, and I thought she was the evil bitch from hell (moved her boyfriend into the spare room as the "lodger") but it turned out that dad was a raging alcoholic who she'd spent years supporting, watering down his scotch and dealing with the nightmare of his financial screw-ups (house reposessed, still dealing with the official receiver 20 years later etc).

She spared me from the truth, but 20 years later she's still the baddie.

We also have a habit of sweeping stuff under the carpet. Probably, in retrospect because we need to